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vickim

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An very old man and a young woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damned blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my booger?
 

frankb

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For the seniors among us:

The only trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

I believe in sex on the first date. At my age, there might not be a second.

Young at heart, slightly older in other places.

I'm speeding because I want to get there before I forget where I'm going.

At my age "getting some" means sleep.

Eat wise, exercise, die anyway.

At my age the only thing that get hard is my arteries.
 

stellakevin11

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Man: what you have prepared to eat today?
Wife: nothing
Man: but you did nothing yesterday
Wife : I made it for two days.

Wife: what was you doing today?
Man: nothing
Wife: but you did nothing yesterday
Man: Haven't finished yet.

ha ha ha very funny:p
 

affected

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An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
 

affected

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OK facebook seems to have everyone staring at screens, so I got a couple of fb jokes

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

Guy comes up the hill, look up to the sky and yells, "God, I want to hear your opinion! Is Facebook harmful?" And response from heaven, "A moment, I just finish this status.."

A client calls to hotline of internet service provider: I have a problem, internet stopped working two days ago, neither I nor my son nor anyone else can access it now.. I see, do you know what's the operating system on your PC? Of course I do - it's Facebook...

Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook?
When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner?
No? Me neither.
 

frankb

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Golf again?

The golf pro started the dlesson by saying "First, take a couple ofr swings without hitting the ball." The duffer grunted and said, "I can already do that, that's why I'm here."

Why did the Club name a drink "Lilac Crazy" in honor of one of it's members? - -Because each time he went to the 19th hole that what he did.
 

here4her

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HOW THE INTERNET STARTED

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load. Knowing a safe response, he said, "How can I do that, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, and said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began.
 

frankb

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Why do banks leave both doors open but chain their pens to the counter?

Why do people order a double cheeseburger with fries and a diet coke?

Some people have all their lights on but are still in the dark.

Why do we leave cars worth thousand das in the driveway and keep useless junk in the garage?

We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.

You can tell a lot about people by these three things: a rainy day;lost luggage; and tangled Christmas.tree lights.
 

here4her

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Well, I posted one, but it went to mod land......maybe it will show up soon.
 

frankb

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good to see you back, here4her ! ! !
 

vickim

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A Day At The Fair
Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

"Fred, that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars," Ethel replied.

The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the ten dollars."

Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word."

"Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Honey it's me
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 

here4her

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Thanks Frank, I'm going to try this again, maybe it will work this time.

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load. Knowing a safe response, he said, "How can I do that, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, and said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began.
 

here4her

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Nope, didn't work, went to mod again......it's not that bad, I promise!
 

here4her

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Well, I guess my timing was off.....both times! Gotta be more patient next time, sorry about the double post folks.
 

here4her

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.


After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt and said,
"I do.... why?"


The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead!"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about
to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger gave the horse water and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.


The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough
of a breeze to help him to feel better."


Tonto said,
"Sure, Kemosabe", and started running circles around Silver.


Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to
the saloon to finish his beer.

Sometime later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and says,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"


The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...












"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'."
 
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