jokes

[frankb]

George Carlin again:

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. (written by Mrs. Carlin? ? ?)

Men socialize by insulting each other, - - - but they really don't mean it.
Women socialize by complimenting each other, and they don't really mean it either.

 

[JustTrying]

Polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a ...... Beer."
Bartender says "why the big pause?"
Polar bear holds up his paws and shrugs "always had 'em!"

 

[frankb]

To some it is a six pack, to me it is a support group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

Golf and sex are the only things one can enjoy without being good at either.

 

[vickim]

Ok Frank and justrying Those were great. :lol:

Here's one for you



Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT?" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

 

[vickim]

Holy cow my joke went to mod.....

 

[vickim]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

 

[frankb]

Good ones, Vicki ! !

 

[frankb]

Just off the e-mail circuit:

Doesn't TV have a powerful influence on our kids ? ? ?

A Southern Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. = = = Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand . . .

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

 

[here4her]

Why Go to Church?
>>
>> One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
>> "Why not?" she asked.
>> I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
>> His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
>> (1) You're 49 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
>>
>> The Picnic
>> A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
>> "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
>> The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
>>
>>
>> The Usher
>> An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
>> "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
>> "The front row, please," she answered..
>> "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
>> "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
>> "No," he said.
>> "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
>> "Do you know who I am?" he asked.
>> "No," she said.
>> "Good," he answered.

 

[here4her]

Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way to Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed... "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ...."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

 

[frankb]

You are on a roll, here4her. Thanks for the laughs.

 

[vickim]

Crafty Mom
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.

She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.

She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"

"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love Thy Husband
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied

 

[frankb]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds ? ? ?

 

[vickim]

OH Frank, that is soooo funny ! I have never run 8 miles.

 

[here4her]

> Subject: Fwd: Why she is divorced
>
>
>
> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
> I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
> 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
>
> As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
> I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
>
> My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word.
> So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent..
>
> As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and
>
> by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
>
> I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
> it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out
>
> to lunch, just you and me.....'
>
> I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
>
> We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead
>
> a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal
>
> tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful
>
> day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
>
>
> I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
>
>
> He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
>
> After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to
>
> step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
>
> He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge
>
> birthday cake ..... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and
>
> co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
>
> And I just sat there.... On the couch......Naked.
>
>