Jokes Thread

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Really good joke, Glen. I do love to laugh...
 
Very funny and so right on, I just e-mailed to my Wife!
 
A Blond Joke, sorry to all the blonds I know but you can get me back by posting some Aussie jokes.


A few days ago, I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one...'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is ......




cheers :lol:
Peter
 

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Ok Peter...I'm a blond and I did not take offense. I actually lol! That was a good one. I'll have to look and see if my 710 is there... :)
 
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."
 
I like that one Mary! That was hysterical!
 
Drunks

PD Officer walking his beat one night came upon two drunks face down on the sidewalk.

One of the drunks has his pants down around his ankles and the other drunk has his finger jammed up his bottom…..

The Officer trying to keep a strait face asks,

“What seems to be the trouble?”

The drunk with his finger in the others bottom replies,

“Thish is mmyyy faarrend annnd hee’s ssiickk annd iiii’mm tyrrrring tooo maaakke hhiimm tharrroooww uupp!”

Officer with a big grin replies,

“You’ll never make him throw up like that”

Drunk:

“ Ooohh yyess Iii whiill waaiitt ttiill iii sssaaawiicchh maahh fffinngggerr taaa hhisss maahhoouth…hhhee’ll tharrroooww uuupp”!



What a good friend...,,
 
lol.. Good one. Anyone who fits into my clothes...lol..
 
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

cheers Peter
 
Conversation at our dinner table last night:
Me, to my daughter, who was supposed to mow the lawn and weed whack:
"Beth, I really need you to get this lawn done. You need to whack and mow"
Daughter: " What? You need me to whack-a-mole?"
Mother in law:" Guacamole? I hate guacamole!"
 
Sooo funny, Tom. Whisper down the lane without whispering.

Peter...also very funny... and regarding the jar lid only, very close to home. Ziplock bags are no longer in my league. My father and I joke a lot about our similar declines. He calls it his "level of decrepitude". What isn't funny is that his memory has declined to my level. I've given him my Rollator to use...not for his brain, of course. I can't afford to give away anything related to the brain.:?
 
When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, just like my grandfather did and not screaming like all of the other people in the car with him.
 
The first grade Sunday School class was learning about the birth of Jesus. Mrs. Smith, the teacher asked if someone could tell her the name of Jesus' mother. Little Sally quickly raised her hand and when called on, she responded with, "Mary!".

Mrs. Smith went on to ask if someone could tell her the name of Mary's husband. Little Billy was the first to raise his hand and was given the opportunity to answer. He answered with enthusiasm, "Virge!".

As you can imagine, the teacher was a bit taken back with this response. The rest of the class had a puzzled look on their faces as well.

Mrs. Smith asked the little boy, "Billy, where in the world did you come up with Virge?"

He replied in earnest, "Awe shucks, teacher, everyone's heard of Virge and Mary!".
 
Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."



Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.
 
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So funny, CJ. Thanks for the laugh! Any more bats?
 
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