Jokes Thread

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frankb

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Besides "I love you," what other three words does a wife want to hear most?
"I'll fix it."

What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.

A smart husband buys his wife fine china so she won't trust him to wash it. (works for me on crystal glasses ! !)

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
 

frankb

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A man was attacked and left bleeding in a ditch. Two psychiatrists passed by and on said to the other, "We must find the person who did this - - - he nreally needs help !"
 

momap53

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Long day, frankb. Thanks for the laughs:lol::lol::lol::lol:
 

ottawa girl

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Good ones Frank!
-----------------------------------

You'll feel smarter after reading these unfortunate remarks:

On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 

frankb

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Every quote brings a big chuckle ! ! Every time I see Mariah on TV I will remember the quote !
 

marypat

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oh elaine those were very good!
 

marypat

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Phone Etiquette...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone
and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes,
I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.

No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.

No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next
to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
 

ottawa girl

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MP funny.... So many times I've been tempted to silence the cell phone screamers. Particularly on the bus and at the airport departure lounges. And the personal stuff I've heard at the grocery store is just plain weird!

So there a few more of those quotes.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix..."
-- Dan Quayle

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.



Ttttttthhhhaaaattttssss all folks! Happy weekend.
 

wattif

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Three blonds were about to enter the gates of heaven. St. Peter met them at the gate and said "before you enter the gates of
Heaven you must tell me the true meaning of Easter." He turned to the first blond and said "Can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?" She said "Sure. That's when we decorate the tree and I get lots of presents." St. Peter said "I'm sorry my child but you cannot enter the gates of Heaven."

He turned to the second blond and said "Can you tell me the true meaning of Easter? She said "yes. Thats when we eat a lot of turkey and watch football games. You know, it's the pilgrim thing." St. Peter said, "I'm sorry my child but you cannot enter the gates of Heaven."

St. Peter turned to the third blond and said "Can you give me the true meaning of Easter?" She said "I believe so. That's when Christ was crowned with thorns. He carried a cross while being spit on and whipped. He was crucified. His body was taken down from the cross and put in a cave with a large rock rolled in front of the opening. Three days later he arose from the dead and came out of cave and if he saw his shadow....:
 

ysabel

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These are great got to finish reading them! lmao!
 

ottawa girl

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HAPPY MONDAY


Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere.

The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
 

frankb

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Funny, funnyk, funny ! ! !
 

frankb

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Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?
When it is time to regress to childhood, men are already there.

On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"
She says, "Why does everyone ask me that? ?"
 
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