Jokes Thread

Status
Not open for further replies.

frankb

Senior member
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
587
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
10/2010
Country
US
State
Georgia
City
Sandy Springs
I was at the bar the other night and heard three girls with an over-abundance of flesh, talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And. . . . that is the last thing I remember . . .
 

vickim

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 20, 2012
Messages
2,280
Reason
Friend was DX
Diagnosis
03/2012
Country
US
State
MO
City
aaaa
That was great! Thanks
 

marypat

Distinguished member
Joined
Jan 3, 2012
Messages
287
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
11/2010
Country
US
State
OHIO
City
london
that was great frank! one back at ya...


The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)


'Dammit, Herb, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
 

vickim

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 20, 2012
Messages
2,280
Reason
Friend was DX
Diagnosis
03/2012
Country
US
State
MO
City
aaaa
OH YEAH! Love it, that was funny!
 

wattif

Member
Joined
Jun 12, 2012
Messages
24
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
09/2009
Country
US
State
Kansas
City
Wichita
That was good, Marypat. Here's one;


When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me into me widdle bed
And spanked me till me ass was red
Me mudder

Who took me from me cozy cot
and put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not
Me mudder

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
who wiped me tiny widdle bum
me mudder

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart
me mudder

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit
me mudder

When at night her bed did squeek
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep
me fadder
 

vickim

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 20, 2012
Messages
2,280
Reason
Friend was DX
Diagnosis
03/2012
Country
US
State
MO
City
aaaa
HA HA HA that was really funny!
 

marypat

Distinguished member
Joined
Jan 3, 2012
Messages
287
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
11/2010
Country
US
State
OHIO
City
london
my dad used to recite that lol
 

vickim

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 20, 2012
Messages
2,280
Reason
Friend was DX
Diagnosis
03/2012
Country
US
State
MO
City
aaaa
Adults learn from kids
Things Adults Learn From Kids:


There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.


If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.


A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.


4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.


It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.


Baseballs make marks on ceilings.


You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.


When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.


A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.


The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.


When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.


Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.


A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.


A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.


If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.


A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.


Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.


Duplos will not.


Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.


Super glue is forever.


McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.


Ditto Tarzan.


No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.


Pool filters do not like Jello.


VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.


Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.


Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.


You probably do not want to know what that odor is.


Always look in the oven before you turn it on.


Plastic toys do not like ovens.


The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.


The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.


It will however make cats dizzy.


Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.


A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
 

momap53

Very helpful member
Joined
Jul 2, 2011
Messages
1,663
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
05/2011
Country
US
State
GA
City
EGA
Loved this one Vicki!
 

frankb

Senior member
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
587
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
10/2010
Country
US
State
Georgia
City
Sandy Springs
Many chuckles ! !/thanks
 

ajandthehabs

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2013
Messages
8
Reason
CALS
Country
CA
State
Ontario
City
Durham
this joke feed is great I'll have to get my husband in here to cheer him up too
 

vickim

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 20, 2012
Messages
2,280
Reason
Friend was DX
Diagnosis
03/2012
Country
US
State
MO
City
aaaa
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary
 

frankb

Senior member
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
587
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
10/2010
Country
US
State
Georgia
City
Sandy Springs
Number four rules with the men folk ! ! !
 

frankb

Senior member
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
587
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
10/2010
Country
US
State
Georgia
City
Sandy Springs
Recent "thoughts" via e-mail:

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the Window?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human (or other animal) would eat?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

What disease did cured ham actually have?
 

vickim

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 20, 2012
Messages
2,280
Reason
Friend was DX
Diagnosis
03/2012
Country
US
State
MO
City
aaaa
You are too funny! Thank you, I was having a hissy fit earlier. I needed a good laugh.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top