Jokes Thread

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vickim

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Happy New Year Frank! I don't make resolutions, I have no will power and can't keep them.
 

ottawa girl

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HAPPY NEW YEAR to all comics... and wannabes
__________________________________________________________

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when an intruder startled her.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38” (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven).

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man, he asked him: “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a scripture to you”

“Scripture?” replied the intruder. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
 

vickim

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frankb

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Good one, Elaine ! !
 

CindyRN

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Funny one Elaine!
 

marypat

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love it elaine.
thinking of you frank,


Story of the Year:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 

vickim

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Ha Ha Ha that was great!
 

ottawa girl

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MP .... I laughed out loud, really needed that today! How'd ya know.
 

vickim

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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
 

CindyRN

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frankb

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This one is hot off the e-mail circuit:

Jack Daniels Fish Story: I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth (a very dangerous water snake) with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the neck, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that damn snake.

With two more frogs.
 

marypat

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love it frank!
 

vickim

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Oh Frank what a fish story! I love it, thanks. I had a bad day and you just made it better!
 

ottawa girl

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Ditto what Vicki wrote... We're like twins today!
 

Susan10

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COSMIC LAWS......
(Also known as "Truisms")...LOL



1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, IT WILL!

10. Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater &Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument -Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Olivers Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
 
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