Jokes Thread

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ottawa girl

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You guys are funny! thanks.
_____________________________________

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, “I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
“Grandpa..........Go home!”
 

CindyRN

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You guys keep me ROFL! Keep them coming...I can never tell a joke, always forget the punchline.
 

vickim

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My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time.
Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked,
"What time does Jesus get here?"
 

vickim

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Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
A. The Elfabet.

Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?
A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?
A: Minivans.

Q: What do Santa’s elves drink?
A: Minnesoda.

Q: What is Claustrophobia?
A: The fear of Santa Claus.

Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?
A: Sandy Claws.

Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.

Q: What type of cars do elves drive?
A: Toy-otas.

Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
A: It needed to be trimmed.
 

vickim

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A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights.
I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in.
I did, and each one lit up.
"Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box.
But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."
 

frankb

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A man has sued his local hospital, saying that after his wife was treated recently, she has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied - "The woman was admitted for eye surgery - all we did was restore her eyesight. . ."
 

ottawa girl

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Vicki- your jokes are funny! Thanks and keep 'em comin'
 

vickim

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'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!
 

vickim

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There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.
My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.
I leave home and come to this bar.
And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 

frankb

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Great one, Vicki. The punchline really got me ! !
 

vickim

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Travel to Heaven
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
 

frankb

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Good one, Vicki. Speaking of octogenarians reminds me of and e-mail cartoon recieved a couple of days ago. During the Christmas season two octogenarian ladies were discussing the birth of Christ scene and one said "I can certainly believe a virgin birth, - - but finding three wise men? ? ?"
 

vickim

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Ha Ha Ha, thats funny! Sadly true! thanks for the chuckle.
 

vickim

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If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
 

frankb

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From NYT: My New Year's resolution is to stop drinking so much wine. It's affecting my weight, so I'm switching to vodka.

Personally, my New Year's resolution is to laugh more, and share more so that others can also laugh. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL ! ! ! !
 
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