Jokes Thread

[frankb]

Thanks, Elaine. I will be very careful on our local racetrack, sometimes known as I-285. Also, to my dismay, I eat enough soup these days to float a battleship ! !

Frank

 

[marypat]

PROSTATE EXAM
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.


When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.


The female doctor says, I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.


I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,'99".Again, the old guy says,'99'."
The doctor said, Very good
�.Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.
The old guy begins,"One...two...three

 

[frankb]

Good one, Mary Pat. This one (partially) is hot off the press from an e-mail friend:
Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. Ifr your sister (or brother) hits yo8, don't hit6 back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to wat6ch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.

 

[ottawa girl]

# 5 is especially true!
___________________________________________

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Manager's door. The Foreman enters and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that Lena is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[CindyRN]

MP, Frank and Elaine...keep em coming, those are great!

 

[marypat]

love'm elaine and frank!

 

[marypat]

An elderly lady was invited to
an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend
preceded every request to her husband
with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years
and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room,
her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
'I think it's wonderful that,
after all these years,
you still call your husband
all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head.
'I have to tell you the truth,'
she said,
'his name slipped my mind
about 10 years ago,
and I'm scared to death
to ask the cranky old *******
what his name is

 

[frankb]

Love it, MP ! !

 

[marypat]

thanks frank!

 

[frankb]

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress:
a man's HEART beats faster,
his THROAT gets dry, and
he gets WEAK in the knees.
Ever wondered why? ?
- - It's because she smells like a
new pickup truck ! ! !

 

[marypat]

too true and too funny!

 

[frankb]

Signs from around the U.S.:

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for4 men with 16 and 17 necks."
- - and the one I like:
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

 

[cervus]

So funny! I laughed out loud. Keep posting! Yasmin.

 

[vickim]

An elderly couple were reading the morning paper and the wife read an article on sperm banks and the need for donors.
She told her husband he should donate because he could make some childless couple happy.
Together they went to the sperm bank and told the receptionist they would like to make a donation.
After filling out the paper work the receptionist handed the husband a cup and told him to go in the small room and fill the cup.
The wife went with him and after several minutes they came out with an empty cup and went to the receptionist.
the wife said my husband tried with his right hand and then his left hand.
Then I tried with with my right hand and then my left hand But we couldn't get the lid off the cup!

 

[frankb]

Good laugh, Vickim ! ! - - -and I thought I had trouble getting a cork out of a champagne bottle ! !