Jokes Thread

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marypat

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Kevin had shingles.


Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'
 

ottawa girl

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Good one Mary Pat!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in Smithville wakes early and goes to church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews quietly chatting. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and stampeding to escape the Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the Devil's appearance. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________



One day The Lord came to Adam and says. "I've got some good news and some bad news" .

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
 

CindyRN

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Good one's Elaine!
 

marypat

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love them elaine!
 

frankb

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Great, OG, keep those funnies coming ! ! !
 

Susan10

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with apologies to any attorneys…
Satan and God were walking along the fence line between heaven and hell inspecting. They came to a spot needing repair. Satan said, God it's your responsibility to repair the fence. After a little disagreement over who should repair the fence, God said," if you don't fix the fence, I will sue you." Satan only laughed and said, " where are you going to get an attorney?".
 

Susan10

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Satan said to God, " I can make anything you can make." So they decided to have a contest. They would each make a man. Satan bent over and started to scoop up some dust to make man. God said, " hey wait! Get your own dust."
 

marypat

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Robert's Wedding
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she
Is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert,
Her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat
Surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again,
His young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
 

ottawa girl

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Those are funny!
 

John1

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ottawa girl;256533 and slightly modified by John1 said:
General Petraeus, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"

The Lord looked upon General Petraeus and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
I think General Petraeus could relate.
 

ottawa girl

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well done John! Happy weekend.
 

CGARS

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Never actually been on the jokes thread, but heard this and had to share.


20 years ago we had,, Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Now we have, NO JOBS, NO CASH, and NO HOPE!

I pray to God, nothing happends to Kevin Bacon.
 

ottawa girl

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Good one Casey!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
 

frankb

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Since I qualify as a senior+, I don't feel really bad posting these funnies regarding my fellow seniors:

As Frank, a senior citizen, was driving down the interstate, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife warning hime of a news report that a car was goinhg the wrong way on I-285 and he should be careful. "Hell," Frank replied, "it's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!."

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, whe would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man standing near a door, flipped up the hem of her nightgown and said, "Supersex." The old gentleman thought for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll that the soup."

80 year old Bonnie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces: "Anywone who can guess what's in my hand can spend the night with me." An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out "An elephant?" Bonnie thinks a for a quick minute and replies "Close enough!"
 

ottawa girl

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Frank-

Wishin' we had a "like" button.

You silly old man - get that car of yours off the I-285, eat your soup and have a good night's sleep!
 
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