Jokes Thread

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Geesh! Now everyone knows why I stopped eating oatmeal.
 
You are too funny Elaine!
 
Another great original from Elaine!
 
thinking of you frank....


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It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
 
HOLY COW that is hillarious! :) I love it.
 
Elaine...you crack me up. MP...loved the joke :)
 
What a laugh - nothing better than to start the morning with a good chuckle ! !
 
Innocently shady:

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they were relaxing afterward, he asks: "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says, "Your face looks familiar."
 
:lol: good one, keepem comin.
 
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
-------------------------------------------------

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
 
How To Stop Church Gossip
The church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of her house, walked home, and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)
 
You are such a hoot Mary Pat!
 
:grin::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: love 'em!
 
Mother's dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
 
Exerpts from a recent e-mail "Miracle of Wine"

I drink wine because I don't liketo keep things bottled up.

Alcohol is not the ansewer. - - it just make you forget the question.

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. - - there is clearly room for more wine.

I tried cooking dinner with wine tonight. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.

Cheers ! ! !
 
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