Dad is now on a Versed pump to go with the morphine
I wasn't surprised to get a call from Hospice today asking permission to put Dad on a Versed pump. It's anti anxiety, and then some. It erases your memory of what is happening to you... so today was my last chance to say goodbye to my father. I left work early and I went and told him all the things I wanted to tell him about how it is okay to let go and how much I love him, thank him and that he is the best friend I ever had. I told him that his mom and favorite aunt are waiting for him, surrounded by the souls of all the animals that he sent to keep them company. I told him that I would be okay, that I would be sad, cry and miss him but that I'll never forget him and I'll be okay, he'll be okay, we will all be okay and happy for him to be with his mom in a peaceful place. I cried, I kissed him... he didn't respond or react in any way. His eyes are in outer space and though I tried to fool myself that he was looking at me, deep down I know he's not. But I told him and maybe he heard me.
I stayed a few hours and then they hooked up the Versed pump. They are leaving him on morphine also and he will likely be in another world from now on. He certainly won't be cognizant of any visitors anymore. I'm glad that my brother & his wife took the baby to see Dad one last time yesterday.
This morning a young man held up traffic here in town and upset a lot of people. He stopped his car on an overpass, was wearing fatigues, a face mask and holding an American flag and a gun. They had to shut down the freeway for a few hours, as well as a couple of main side roads and they called in the SWAT team. Fortunately, the police were patient and it ended well, with him putting the gun down and surrendering to them. Before that happened though, he hung his flag on the overpass along with a sign to vote for Obama & Biden. People at work were late, some up to two hours late, and they were upset. One person even told me that they wished he would just shoot himself and be done with it. I asked her why she said that and she said "well he held up traffic and made so many people late for work!" I asked her if her feelings would change if she learned he was a vet who came home to a messed up economy, a house taken away because of mortgage fraud and a lack of health care not just for his family but for himself as well even though he has devoted himself to his country. She just shook her head and walked away. Turns out he IS a vet, is anti-war and wanted people to stop for a moment and listen. He risked his life in the war, and then here today, and people are angry because of the inconvience. Weird how much I get him right now...
Going through this with my Dad has showed me how the things that matter to so many people, including my own pre ALS self, really don't matter anymore in the face of death. When someone you love is dying you stop, notice, listen, care and it changes you. As painful as this process has been and as much as I feel I don't know or like myself at times anymore, I know that I have learned so much and will never be the same person again. I'll never get so caught up in any rat race that I will forget to stop, notice, listen & care. I think that you all know what I mean.
We see it every day around us, what happened today with this young man on the bridge, but we see it even more up close and personal in hour the friends & family of our PALS are so caught up in their own lives and the petty ins & outs of day to day that they don't make time. In some cases they seem angry at our PALS, or us, because the situation exists in the first place. They are the angry ones that don't want anything rocking their apple cart. They are the ones that won't learn or be blessed. It's a shame, but it's their loss.
Okay, I better walk away from they keyboard... been a wacked day.
Sandy
I wish I could cry like my son did, he just let it all out and afterwards he looked lighter, cleaner, refreshed. I am jealous on many levels.
