califsand
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2007
- Messages
- 237
- Diagnosis
- 01/2004
- Country
- US
- State
- ca
- City
- sant barbara
I didn't write an obit or an "In memory of" for Dad... it seems that I was overwhelmed by everything going and and figured since I talked about it in the caregiver support group that I had said enough, or too much, as it was. Well... I was wrong so here goes...
My father, Tom, was born on January 2, 1949. Today is his 60th birthday and though he didn't live to make this landmark, it is still his special day and he deserves to be honored. He was born in New York to an Italian mother and a Black Irish father. He moved to Southern California when he was a boy and he loved it here so much.
My dad was a character, full of moods and sometimes unpredictable. He was silly and loved to make jokes, funny noises and especially enjoyed picking on people. As long as you didn't take the teasing seriously, he was a fun guy to be around. He had a romantic side that wooed the ladies and his daughters, showing us all constantly that true love does exist. He could make you feel awful when you messed up and like the best thing in the world when you did well. He showed versatility and creativity in everything that he did and was a jack of all trades. Over the course of my life he was a store owner, a fireman, a safety manager, a handyman, business owner, a photographer... he loved nature and camped for years on end and taught his children a deep love and respect for nature. He was a tree hugger that loved to gamble, drink cocktails, smoke, drive fast and hugged his children and grandchildren constantly when around them. He had a special affection for the sunrise and for several years he would go on every special occassion to photograph it. It was always special to wake up on your birthday to an email with photos from the morning and a special note from Dad! As he became ill he took more photos than any other time and would go every morning to watch the sunrise at the beach near his home and he would take special drives to have photo shoots. He was sporadically social and would often show up at a family get together just long enough to take pictures and then would leave quickly so he could go home and email them to us.
My father loved to gamble and was a regular visit at our local casino. Until his illness progressed to a point of requiring full physical assistance, I took him 3-5 times per week and we would pig out in the buffet and play slots until late into the night. These trips were special because during the 40 minute drive he would tell me stories, while he could still talk, and we would listen to his favorite country music and dance in the car. As he lost his speech, I would speak for him and repeat the litany of things he would say at certain points on the drive... if cars passed us or drove recklessly around us on the mountain road he would give them the finger and laugh foolishly and as he began to have difficulty with doing that, I would do it for him which made him laugh even harder. For a good stretch he was my lucky charm at the casino and if he was near me I would win far more often than I lost! We had a lot of fun on those trips even though he wore me out.
As his ability to walk started to become impaired he talked me into taking a trip with him to New York so I could see where he was born. We went in October and got to experience the fall colors. Man it was cold! He insisted on driving the rental car the whole trip and while that was frustrating and scary at times, with me as the navigator we always found our way...sometimes we got lost first and he would get upset but I think that trip really taught him to trust me. We pigged out on fresh apple juice and fresh off the vine concord grapes until we were sick to our stomachs. We visited cemetaries (Dad was fascinated by cemetaries) and took pictures of family graves. We spent a few days in Niagara Falls in the Presidential Suite of the hotel overlooking them (Dad figured since he was dying we better live it up) and we hit casino after casino. It was a special trip.
During this period of his illness Dad took on a few mottos such as "why not, what's it hurt?" and "what's it going to do? Kill me?!" There were moments where some of his behavior made me a little nervous but he was right, it wouldn't kill him, ALS would...
It is really hard to put into words the special bond between father & daughter, the close friendship that forms when you spend so much time with someone you know you are going to lose and the heartbreaking sad feeling that comes with the loss. Dad was diagnosed with ALS in 2004 but had been sick for years. It took 2 or so years of testing and medication failures before the diagnosis came. He felt ill for years prior to that and self medicated... I spent half my 20's and most of my 30's worried about him and living in fear that he would die. Fortunately I coped with my fear by being with him at every opportunity. He used to tease me and say that we were like a married couple but without the sex, strings or drama. It was funny but also true. No man could compete with my Dad! Nobody understood my sense of humor like he did or could make me laugh, cry or feel loved and accepted like my Dad. We picked on each other but gave unconditional love and support throughout everything. He always was there to pick me up if I fell and he without fail made me feel better. He was my best friend.
Watching him waste away from ALS was the most horrific experience. My father was always a large man, both in body and spirit. For a while it was just his body that shriveled but towards the end, his spirit faded also. It showed through in moments of pure joy though and our last night together he gave me a smile, the first in weeks... a smile that said "I love you" and "thank you" - a smile that was just for me. I have gone through some awful things since that smile... I held his cold body, I planned and attended his funeral, I watched his body be put into the ground, I have had nightmares, crying spells that lasted hours, I have been angry with him, I have had moments where I tricked myself into believing that he was still alive and healthy and would be at my door wanting to go on a spuradic adventure, I have felt suicidal and been in such black depressions that nothing mattered... I'm adjusting to life without my father and I'll be okay but I sure do miss him. They say that nobody forgets their first love and my first love was my Daddy. He made me feel safe, treasured and loved unconditionally and I miss him painfully.
Today is his birthday. I was up early to watch the sunrise but the sky was full of clouds and fog. I did go to his beach and give it a shot, with HIS camera... but no luck. Later I will go to the casino with my brothers and tonight we will all have a toast to him and celebrate his birthday as we did, with him, in years past. On the drive up I'll tell my brother some of the stories that Dad shared with me and he'll laugh... because the stories were usually outrageous and full of baloney but he told them with such flourish that you wanted to believe. He called himself a nutty nut and it was such an apt name for him!
Happy 60th Birthday Dadder, I miss you and LYLC (love you like crazy)
Love,
Sandy (Sander McDander)
My father, Tom, was born on January 2, 1949. Today is his 60th birthday and though he didn't live to make this landmark, it is still his special day and he deserves to be honored. He was born in New York to an Italian mother and a Black Irish father. He moved to Southern California when he was a boy and he loved it here so much.
My dad was a character, full of moods and sometimes unpredictable. He was silly and loved to make jokes, funny noises and especially enjoyed picking on people. As long as you didn't take the teasing seriously, he was a fun guy to be around. He had a romantic side that wooed the ladies and his daughters, showing us all constantly that true love does exist. He could make you feel awful when you messed up and like the best thing in the world when you did well. He showed versatility and creativity in everything that he did and was a jack of all trades. Over the course of my life he was a store owner, a fireman, a safety manager, a handyman, business owner, a photographer... he loved nature and camped for years on end and taught his children a deep love and respect for nature. He was a tree hugger that loved to gamble, drink cocktails, smoke, drive fast and hugged his children and grandchildren constantly when around them. He had a special affection for the sunrise and for several years he would go on every special occassion to photograph it. It was always special to wake up on your birthday to an email with photos from the morning and a special note from Dad! As he became ill he took more photos than any other time and would go every morning to watch the sunrise at the beach near his home and he would take special drives to have photo shoots. He was sporadically social and would often show up at a family get together just long enough to take pictures and then would leave quickly so he could go home and email them to us.
My father loved to gamble and was a regular visit at our local casino. Until his illness progressed to a point of requiring full physical assistance, I took him 3-5 times per week and we would pig out in the buffet and play slots until late into the night. These trips were special because during the 40 minute drive he would tell me stories, while he could still talk, and we would listen to his favorite country music and dance in the car. As he lost his speech, I would speak for him and repeat the litany of things he would say at certain points on the drive... if cars passed us or drove recklessly around us on the mountain road he would give them the finger and laugh foolishly and as he began to have difficulty with doing that, I would do it for him which made him laugh even harder. For a good stretch he was my lucky charm at the casino and if he was near me I would win far more often than I lost! We had a lot of fun on those trips even though he wore me out.
As his ability to walk started to become impaired he talked me into taking a trip with him to New York so I could see where he was born. We went in October and got to experience the fall colors. Man it was cold! He insisted on driving the rental car the whole trip and while that was frustrating and scary at times, with me as the navigator we always found our way...sometimes we got lost first and he would get upset but I think that trip really taught him to trust me. We pigged out on fresh apple juice and fresh off the vine concord grapes until we were sick to our stomachs. We visited cemetaries (Dad was fascinated by cemetaries) and took pictures of family graves. We spent a few days in Niagara Falls in the Presidential Suite of the hotel overlooking them (Dad figured since he was dying we better live it up) and we hit casino after casino. It was a special trip.
During this period of his illness Dad took on a few mottos such as "why not, what's it hurt?" and "what's it going to do? Kill me?!" There were moments where some of his behavior made me a little nervous but he was right, it wouldn't kill him, ALS would...
It is really hard to put into words the special bond between father & daughter, the close friendship that forms when you spend so much time with someone you know you are going to lose and the heartbreaking sad feeling that comes with the loss. Dad was diagnosed with ALS in 2004 but had been sick for years. It took 2 or so years of testing and medication failures before the diagnosis came. He felt ill for years prior to that and self medicated... I spent half my 20's and most of my 30's worried about him and living in fear that he would die. Fortunately I coped with my fear by being with him at every opportunity. He used to tease me and say that we were like a married couple but without the sex, strings or drama. It was funny but also true. No man could compete with my Dad! Nobody understood my sense of humor like he did or could make me laugh, cry or feel loved and accepted like my Dad. We picked on each other but gave unconditional love and support throughout everything. He always was there to pick me up if I fell and he without fail made me feel better. He was my best friend.
Watching him waste away from ALS was the most horrific experience. My father was always a large man, both in body and spirit. For a while it was just his body that shriveled but towards the end, his spirit faded also. It showed through in moments of pure joy though and our last night together he gave me a smile, the first in weeks... a smile that said "I love you" and "thank you" - a smile that was just for me. I have gone through some awful things since that smile... I held his cold body, I planned and attended his funeral, I watched his body be put into the ground, I have had nightmares, crying spells that lasted hours, I have been angry with him, I have had moments where I tricked myself into believing that he was still alive and healthy and would be at my door wanting to go on a spuradic adventure, I have felt suicidal and been in such black depressions that nothing mattered... I'm adjusting to life without my father and I'll be okay but I sure do miss him. They say that nobody forgets their first love and my first love was my Daddy. He made me feel safe, treasured and loved unconditionally and I miss him painfully.
Today is his birthday. I was up early to watch the sunrise but the sky was full of clouds and fog. I did go to his beach and give it a shot, with HIS camera... but no luck. Later I will go to the casino with my brothers and tonight we will all have a toast to him and celebrate his birthday as we did, with him, in years past. On the drive up I'll tell my brother some of the stories that Dad shared with me and he'll laugh... because the stories were usually outrageous and full of baloney but he told them with such flourish that you wanted to believe. He called himself a nutty nut and it was such an apt name for him!
Happy 60th Birthday Dadder, I miss you and LYLC (love you like crazy)
Love,
Sandy (Sander McDander)