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justb

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carlsbad
It's only been a little over a week since my mom went home to heaven. I know that's where she is and I know she's in a much better place. I also know that's where she wanted to be and she was ready. I honestly thought I was ready to let her go home.


But I am falling apart.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't get through one single day without falling apart. There is so much I wish I could tell my momma. I wish I could tell her I really was listening all these years. I wish I could tell her I love her so so much. I wish I could tell her exactly what she meant to me.

I have had problems my whole life... depression, crippling social anxiety, periods of rage and instability and substance abuse issues. No matter where I was my mom was always there. She was always steadfast in her love for me and showed an incredible patience that can only come from a loving mother.

For many years I thought my mother hated me. Now that she's gone I know she only wanted the best for me and was frustrated with my behavior. She only wanted me to seek God and the things that had brought her such peace and happiness.

I feel like I can't move. I can't breathe. I don't know what to do with myself. I need my mom and yet I want her to be at peace and be where she is now. I want her to be running and singing among the angels where she was so ready to be. But God help me I am so selfish and I want my mother and my best friend back.

Please please please tell me how I'm supposed to get through this.

I miss her...the healthy her...so much I don't even want to breathe anymore.
 

brooksea

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justb,

Please know that your mother knows you were listening to her and how much you love her. It is terrible to lose someone you love so much.

Can you get some grief counseling? Do you have other family and friends that can help lighten you load? I'm sure that would help you tremendously.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.
 

patricia1

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Sep 18, 2006
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It is so important to talk to a professional because= depression will cause you to drink more and cause more depression You mom is at peace now I know she wants you to get help getting on with your life and you cant do it alone . It sounds like you had personal problems for years .I hope you will get help. Do it for yourself and your mom Pat
 

Icanmanz

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Tomball
justb said:
It's only been a little over a week since my mom went home to heaven. I know that's where she is and I know she's in a much better place. I also know that's where she wanted to be and she was ready. I honestly thought I was ready to let her go home.


But I am falling apart.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't get through one single day without falling apart. There is so much I wish I could tell my momma. I wish I could tell her I really was listening all these years. I wish I could tell her I love her so so much. I wish I could tell her exactly what she meant to me.

I have had problems my whole life... depression, crippling social anxiety, periods of rage and instability and substance abuse issues. No matter where I was my mom was always there. She was always steadfast in her love for me and showed an incredible patience that can only come from a loving mother.

For many years I thought my mother hated me. Now that she's gone I know she only wanted the best for me and was frustrated with my behavior. She only wanted me to seek God and the things that had brought her such peace and happiness.

I feel like I can't move. I can't breathe. I don't know what to do with myself. I need my mom and yet I want her to be at peace and be where she is now. I want her to be running and singing among the angels where she was so ready to be. But God help me I am so selfish and I want my mother and my best friend back.

Please please please tell me how I'm supposed to get through this.

I miss her...the healthy her...so much I don't even want to breathe anymore.


Hi, justb! Read your post, and am so sorry that you are having a hard time coping with your mother's departure. I am going to ask you a few questions, and I hope you don't mind my asking you these questions. You don't have to answer them if you don't want to.
You see, when one of our loved ones come down with a terminal illness we suffer as much. When my son was diagnosed with als, the earlier months were bad for me, really bad. It was so bad, that my son stpped coming around me for a little while, because he hated to see me sad, and he could tell I'd been crying. Okay justb, that was the first 3 or 4 months. I fell into deep depression. My other son, and my family suggested for me to go and see a doc and get on meds. I refused to go. I didn't want to get on meds, becuase what's the use of walking around feeling all good, pretending that everything is fine, and deep down you know it's not alrigt. No sireee, that's not for me. I told my family and friends, I'll take care of this my own way. I did a lot of praying, of course, asked God to please give me the courage that I lacked so. I fought, and fought and fought with my depression, and I won. I was still hurting for my son, but I didn't let it show, especially in front of him. I made up my mind that I was going to do what my son wanted me to do, and that was to accept it as one of God's plans for a purpose. My son and I we talked a lot' planned a lot. He even gave me the names of the young men that he wanted for pall bearers 2 days before he passed. I am sure my son knew he was seeing his last days, but he was a t such peace with it. He was a beautiful and courageous person, and I have a lot of respect for him for that. The day that my son was buried, I came home, and promised myself that I was going to let my baby rest, and I did just that. He is Home,, just imagine all the peace and happiness.

Okay now justb---- my question is did you have a good relationship with your mom throughout the years? Did she open up to you like a book during her illness? Did she ever tell you that she wanted for you to go on with your life, and that she loved you, and you told her over, and over, and over "I love you mom" I see a lot of pain in your post. It was He that took her home, we are his children, and when he calls us home, we have to go! Try to tell your mom every day that you love her, that will make you feel better. My son has only been gone close to 3 months, I knew his Father called him home, I am sharing my son with my real Father. If you cannot do this on your own, I would suggest a clergy, or some serious counseling. You can try to be your own counselor, sure you can do it. Try it sweetie, I wish you luck, and I'll be praying for you. Your momma is resting now, you and your Mom will meet again someday. Keep on posting, dear, and let us know. I hope I didn't hurt your feeling, if you feel like I did I am terribly sorry. I am only trying to help, because I been there.


Irma
 

CindyM

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Hello Justb- I am glad you decided to write again. Feel free to do so as often as you need. The loss of your Mom is an awful blow. I can imagine since I am about to lose mine and I've already begun to miss her.

You will not be alone and unloved, however. Other peope will come forward to offer the kind of support and assurance that she provided. You just need to be prepared to recieve their assistance. You can get ready by seeking help for your depression and any of the other issues you mentioned. Please make a phone call today to one of your doctors or counselors. And write back and let us know how it went! Cordially, Cindy
 

janf

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Sep 23, 2006
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132
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PALS
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tift
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ga
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tifton
JUSTB, MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU I CRIED FOR YOU MY HEART JUST BROKE. I WISH MY DAUGHTER COULD TALK TO YOU . I HAVE ALS AND SHE SHOULD FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL. SOMETIMES WE JUST DON'T APPRECIATE WHAT WE HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE . THAT HAPPENS MORE THAN YOU KNOW BUT, LISTEN I WILL TELL YOU THAT GOD WANTS YOU TO FALL IN HIS ARMS CRAWL IN HIS LAP AND LET HIM HOLD YOU. FIND THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE NOW AND LOVE THEM. SEEK GOD HE WILL GIVE YOU PEACE. HE GAVE ME PEACE AND I ONLY ASKED HIM FOR IT. YOUR MOM LOVED YOU ANYWAY, I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE MY DAUGHTER. HANG IN THERE SWEETIE AND WE ARE HERE FOR YOU MY E-MAIL IS [email protected] let me know if i can help. GOD BLESS YOU!
 

trustinggod

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Hi Justb,

I am so very sorry that you have to go through this -- losing your mother at such a young age.

How wonderful though that you will always have that inner peace knowing that you were there for her each day while your dad worked.

Although my experience is not the same as yours, I cared for my good friend for 4 years while she continually lost function as she battled this monster that is ALS. As hard as it was to watch her die and then have to say a final good-bye, (it's been 9 months now) I have peace because I know that I helped every day to ease her frustration and pain. She knew how much I loved her because I was there.

You must know that your mom knew how much you loved her and I am sure you too made her days so much better. Take comfort in that.

I know how difficult it is, both physically and emotionally, to care for someone with ALS. You made it through a very difficult situation and I know you will survive this too.
In fact, you'll do more than survive . . . you will grow. Not today or even tomorrow but one day you will realize that you are a better person because of all that you have been through.

Allow yourself time to cry and talk about your mom. Pray earnestly and find a comfortable support group where you can work through the stages of grieving with others that have been there.

I will keep you on my prayer list and in my thoughts.

God bless you sweetheart,
Jeanne
 
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