I want to start dating

[Bebe]

Hello. I hope I dont sound selfish. I really dont know what to do. My husband was diagnosed with als in 2013. He is at the later stages now but he is unrealistic. I was in the process of filing for divorce shortly before he was diagnosed [because he wsd si mean and wanted to isolate me from my friends and family. Upon diag nosis i decided to stay and care for him.
My daily routine consist of getting up on the morning to change and shower him. I dress him and make breakfast for him. I get myself dressed then drive over an hour to het to work. I paid a caregiver out of pocked becausr he didnt like the caregivers sent by pallative care.
When u come home. He wants me to ask him if i could do my chores. He says he doesn't want me to leave him in the room long.
When i want to get out with my friends or family...he says that i dont care. I feel guilty so i stay home.
He was given hospice but he only wants me to use the service for pain. Even though i tell him that im tired and need rest, he complains.
I recently began to talk extensively about his condition with a collegue and he is so understanding and patient.
He often gives me encouragement and keep me with perspective. I feel like my husband is becoming more spiteful and mean as time goes on. The gentleman asked me out to dinner and i really dont know what to say.
I do want a life after my husband is gone and i am intrigued by this collegue.
I wonder if i should get her a caregiver and go. Or decline the offer until my duties are done.
I care for my husband and i want him to have quality. After20 years of marriage..i owe him that.
I feel confused. I feel like i am dieing necause i have no outsite life.
Am I wrong for both wanting to live life. Am I selfish?

 

[Atsugi]

Bebe, I think everyone of us knows exactly what you're feeling, overworked and tired of it all. It's especially hard when your husband doesn't appreciate you.

We all have a need to feel wanted.

I have noticed that many dying people are highly focused on their own needs and I don't blame them at all for that. Some become abusive, and that's a problem. I wonder if a doctor can help that with medication like an anti-depressant.

I believe that a caregiver must always consider their own emotional health and must prepare for a life after the husband passes.

So I don't think you are to blame for wanting to see someone else. But, however, I do think that the "gentleman" you are referring to is not a gentleman at all. He needs to back off and show some respect. I think you should wait.

Others will disagree, I'm sure. But that's my personal opinion.

You need some respite. You might have to take it whether he likes it or not. If you don't take care of your own mental health, you'll find it impossible to care for him properly.

--Mike

 

[SLAUGHTER1555]

Mike that was a good response and your right about the guy he sees she at a emotional state and why he may have good intentions if he really likes you he will wait. Bebe i so understand how you feel i actually got myself in a bad place with the opposite sex and thats not good thing. I felt like you i want a life i want friends but i have none of those things its hard and its like nobody gets it. If i want to go talk to someone i have to take him with me cuz he cant be left alone its like there is no Me time at all. I hear about all the respite stuff but it seems like its hard to get any help from anybody. And like you i feel guilty if i leave him and get respite cuz he feels trapped in the house too smh its like you cant win for losing.

But i agree with Mike as hard as it may be cuz like Mike said we all want to be wanted but it just want more thing put on hold. I just put up a thread regarding a different type of affection to and from our pals. I m not sure if we can use certain words on these threads so i try to find the correct thing to say hope you can read between the lines as i am still new to this so treading lightly But hold on Bebe your are not alone im in the same boat as you are too.

 

[pdcraig]

Hi Bebe, you aren't selfish for wanting life outside of or after ALS. All of us here understand the stress and pressure of taking care of our PALS.
It has to be tough for you. Whatever the issues were that had you filing for a divorce wouldn't have gone away because he got ill.

A night out over dinner might be a good thing for a break or it might be a bad thing making you feel more guilty. You're probably like many of us here feeling a little fragile and vulnerable. I can sympathize with wanting some comfort and companionship.

Personally, I'd wait. Too much going on, emotions running high. Are you in the place you'd like to be in your head and heart to be able to move forward? It's a very personal thing and only you will know what's right for you.

Take care
Paul

 

[texastc]

I know how you feel, completely. I would however, recommend waiting. If you don't, you will likely feel guilty later. You will find peace later knowing that you did all you could do for him, and remained loyal to your vows. I also agree with Mike...this doesn't seem very gentlemanly like...

Just my opinion
tc

 

[Loverly]

well bravo to you for sticking with someone who you weren't that thrilled with before his diagnosis.
If your husband kept you from friends and family before, there is no reason for him to do it now.
While only you know when the time is right to date, that should not stop you from getting out
of the house and seeing friends and family.

Furthermore, if he doesn't like the hospice care nurses, check out a different organization. There are many out there.
Unless you are wealthy, you will run through your funds quickly as he has more needs. In addition, there are many things
that hospice provides that really help, like organizing medicines and 24 hour assistance in an emergency.

I hope you find some balance and some help,

<3
Jen

 

[davbo49]

life goes on. i don't want jane to dry up after im gone.

 

[Alex123]

It is hard to make conclusions without knowing all the details. But I mostly agree with what other forum members have suggested.
I think there are two problems here, one that started before he got ALS, and another one which is in part a consequence of the disease.
Going back to the period before ALS, I can imagine that there wasn't a good communication between you two. Going to a psychologist or some other kind of advisor could have helped. If your husband was not like that at the beginning, and he later became more jealous and possessive, you could try to put yourself in his position and try to understand why he changed. It is possible that there were things that you were doing that were making him feel ignored or afraid of loosing you. If he wanted you to spend more time with him instead of your family, even this has a negative side to it, on the positive side he liked you enough that he wanted your company. Of course you can't undo all that. But there is always the possibility of looking at these things that happened in the past from a different perspective and if you get a better understanding of why he was behaving that way, you could get better feelings for him.
After they get ALS, I think many people may be afraid of having their spouse starting to get closer to other people and to distance themselves from them. There are many reasons for this suspicion. One is that the spouse (the healthy one) may start missing the opportunity to do things together and may want to fill that void by seeing someone else. On the other hand, he/she may also be afraid of suffering from grief once the person with ALS has died. One way to diminish that grief would be to start distancing her/himself from the person with ALS. So the person with ALS may be afraid that their spouse may do that and become more possessive.
You feel the need to enjoy the company of your family and friends, otherwise you would feel lonely. It looks like he would like to spend the last days of his life closer to you. Probably he is feeling even more lonely. Is there any way for you to recover your old feelings for him and start showing affection?
I would suggest that you confide with other people who don't have an interest. It appears to me (I may be wrong) that this "gentleman" is just an opportunist and may use your emotional state to get what he wants. If he is a coworker of your husband, then they must have been friends. So he is not being respectful of the relationship he had with your husband. It may be a harsh word to use, but I would say that in some way it feels like "treason" to his friend. I also wonder if he is married or single. One thing for sure is that you are not going to get unbiased advice from him.

 

[Alex123]

One more thought...
If he does not feel comfortable when you go to visit your family, isn't there a way to have your family come to your home or to go with him there? Maybe what I suggest is impossible, but if it was possible it might make him feel better. If he feels better, your feelings for him might also improve. If he participates in the conversation, that would prevent him from feeling excluded. Even if he has to use an eye-gaze devise to communicate.

 

[DreamsEnd]

So many of you have said it so well, but I'm with Mike on this one. Your associate is no gentleman. He may be supportive and understanding but if he was truly a gentleman, he would support your care of your husband and back off. I believe you made a commitment to stay after your husbands diagnosis. There have to be some feelings there.

And you're right, it isn't easy.

Sherry

 

[gooseberry]

Sometimes Bebe what this disease takes and leaves is incredibly difficult to deal with. However you made a commitment when you decided to stay to see it through. I would look for caregivers, the als association respite care, etc to get a break.

About the relationship piece...my sister was in her last six months dying from ovarian cancer when she found out her husband had been and still was cheating on her with a good friend. It broke her heart. Something to consider....