I need help

[Beebe]

Hi Stacey

Hi there, It's time to run. You have given your heart and soul to care for him. We know what a caregiver gives of themselves. Never sit down, interrupted sleep. constant caring! The disease makes him angry but, you didn't give it to him. There's just so much of hurting the one closest to you that a person can take. You are doing good and your little boy is hearing bad things about you. Not good. Maybe a separation will make him think about how good he had it at home. Your child needs you! You need to stay healthy for him mind and body! We are here for you. Fondly, Beebe

 

[brooksea]

Stacey,

Think of yourself looking down on your life, as if you were an angel or god. You are hovering and looking at your life, you are an helicopter. What do you see?

You see your wonderful child that needs to be nurtured and helped to be an individual that is healthy physically as well as mentally. You see your fiance that is mentally abusive and you see yourself. You're...in the middle...what should you choose to do?

Go, go away from him...help your child to be the person they should be and try to live your life knowing you have done the best, for yourself, your child, and your fiance.

I know you cannot just up and go, but you could plan for it. Sorry to even have to be talking about this!

You do NOT have to subject yourself to his abuse.

Remember the "helicopter view." It has helped me.

 

[nspoc]

Hi Stacey -

At the risk of being too intrusive- I really think it is time for you two to be apart. It is really not an appropriate relationship for your son to be witnessing. It is also not appropriate for you to agree to stay with him no matter what. You are not helping the matter by not allowing him to experience the consequences of his actions. You are reinforcing that no matter how extreme and destructive his behavior - you will stand by him. There is no incentive there for him. It also teaches your child that men do not have to treat women with dignity.

There is no heroism here - only victimization. For your child's sake = please let him go. Your dream of a peaceful end with his family present is only a dream. This man will destroy all of your dreams.

Also - if your relationship does not currently include peace and calm respect - then you have abolutely no chance of creating that environment for his death - he will rip that away from you.

You can still love him while he is in a nursing home. But you can remove yourself from the abuse - and you can be a family when he can behave as a lover and father should. You will not be abandoning him - you will be acting as a mature adult in a more healthy relationship with him.

You cannot plead with him to behave, you cannot shame him into it, and you cannot get other people to convince him to change his ways. This is a situation that will not improve.

If not for yourself, pleae remember that this man's chaotic and abusive behavior is terrible for your child. Very little is more destructive than for a child to witness the abuse of his mother. He will feel helpless and traumatized for the rest of his life. And do not believe that you can protect him from the trauma - because that is not possible.

Your obligation is to your child because he cannot protect himself. You have an obligation to protect him from this chaos.

I understand that in some ways you "need" this man, abuse and all. That is not at all rare. I urge you to begin the separation process by seeking counseling at a center that helps abused women. They can help you with support, understanding and non-judgmental caring.

You have begun by reaching out to us - please keep going forward in your journey to health for you and your precious child.

I wish you all the best - and I have faith that you future can be one of strength and health and happiness.

I will be rooting for you - Beth

 

[stacey76]

stressed

Thankyou all for your input as it has helped me a lot and it helps to hear people's opinions who have an idea what I am dealing with. When you talk to other people who know nothing about the disease they automatically take to my side and I did not want that as I did not know what all to expect with the disease process with him. But when I write to you people here I know you understand both sides and will tell me fairly your opinion.
I know what he does is wrong but I always find myself making excuses for him because he has this terrible disease.
I went back in to talk with him and told him I will not tolerate his mean malicous behavior towards me and especially our son who is an innocent bystander. I told him that I have made the decision to move him into a facility that will care for him and I will make sure that we visit and he has as much time with his son as possible as long as he is no longer abusive otherwise it is his loss if he chooses to remain an angry, mean person to us. I told him that I will always choose our son over him as I will not allow him to ruin his life by showing him a father who only as anger towards him. I said he would soon see how good he had it living here and how much more he will miss because of his behavior instead of trying to make his last days as happy as possible. Don't get me wrong I can understand his anger but he has to find a way to deal with it without making the one's that care about him the most sad or hurt.
First he responded by saying "Good!" But I told him I was leaving the house for a bit to unstress myself and when I got back he was crying and pleading with me not to give up on him . That whe would go to a hospital to fix what was wrong with him, see a therapist,get on medication. That he would do anything because he loved us both and does not want to be without us , that he did not mean to say what he said and just does not know how to control his anger but would find a way.
I told him I did not want to speak about it any longer and that I have made my decision because I just can't handle it anymore and I don't want our son to see his mother as a depressed, sad, angry, worthless person because I never used to be this way.
He continues to cry and plead with me and I just told him to please stop and make the rest of your time here with your family a pleasent one.
He is still crying and pleading as I write this which means a very very long night for me because I know he won't leave me alone till he goes.
Stacey

 

[CindyM]

Stacy- go on the internet and look up the nearest agency that specializes in women's safety. It may be a shelter for battered wemen, no matter. call them up and tell them you need support and advice about leaving an abusive person. Then, when they hook you up with a counselor, tell that person eveything you have told us. They will understand that, even though you are not in immediate danger, he uses his illness to try to control the situation emotionally and they will know how to support you in this situation.

Please write back to us and tell us what happens next! We are on your side. Cindy

 

[brooksea]

Stacey,

I pray that you will find the strength to follow thru with you plan. It will be better for all involved. Please let us know how you are doing. You are very brave.

 

[califsand]

Hey Stacey, just wanted to see how things are going and how you proceeded with your plans. I'm facing the decision you were talking about and it may help to hear how it went in your situation. Did your fiancee go to a nursing home? Was he really angry? Did he get over the anger? I'm more curious than I should be but I'm thinking of admitting my father to a Hospice House and scared to death about him being angry at me forever.

 

[Gina]

Hi Stacey!I am fairly new to this forum but i find it so helpfull.I have been reading over your posts and i agree 100% with what Beth the physcologist said.I will pray that you have the strengh to follow through on your plans.Your son desperately needs you and i cannot see any happiness in the future for you or your son if something is not done about this situation.You and your son deserve so much better.Please put your sons needs and yours at the top of the list for now!all my best to you and your sweet little guy.....Gina

 

[freddiesnetty]

Just Wondering/

Hi,
I am knew to this forum myself, I have not read this post until today. Myself too lives with a little bit of a diva that has als. My husband was a musician for many years, I was his mgr. he got signed to a major record label. While opening for Sammy Hagar he fell off of the stage and then this nightmare began, we did eventually get married, he chased me for years but to no avail I gave him cause he was a "player" He is adopted, he has no family. His son is a up and coming musician and doesn't have time for him because of the way he treated his mother, I have to deal with groupies to this day and yet not a one of them are here of course now to help. He is hateful and unruly sometimes. He gets mad if I am not under his butt 24/7. He does have a homehealth care worker that comes in for about 7 hours a day 4 days a week, he does not play on her, but the minute I walk in he starts in on me. She has told me that he does not do that to her, she said that I should tell him that he needs to consolidate and let me rest instead of the jack in box syndrome (up and down) I did do that and it has helped, He is very tempermental anyways due to him being a musician, I dealt with that before, I have found that sometimes I sit back and think what if that was me......... I love him truly and I know he loves me the same way. I just get depressed sometimes wondering what if he wasn't sick ? WOULD he do the same thing to me that he has done to so many other women? I have learned that praying and not dwelling on things I can not change has helped a whole lot......I didn't want to complain and have anyone think what a cruel inhumane person I am to think these things about someone so ill. Things are better now. His aide is like his mother and cuts him no slack with behavior and when he is mean to be she gets him....... I LOVE HER! She has become part of our family. As always thanks for creating a place for us to come, some people don't even know what this disease is and don't understand.......Thanks!
Annette

any tips on flipping our pals, I call mine the pancake(humor helps) hubby calls me the spatula...........silly..........but it is what keeps us going HUMOR is the best medicine sometimes!

 

[CindyM]

Hi Annette- the biggest piece of advice I've heard around here is that you can't burn yourself out because if that happens you are no good to anybody. Take a hint from the health aide and have her model some ways to set limits gently but firmly. JMO Cindy

 

[esrich]

any tips on flipping our pals, I call mine the pancake(humor helps) hubby calls me the spatula...........silly..........but it is what keeps us going HUMOR is the best medicine sometimes!

I totally agree about keeping your sense of humor. My husband was told to get a walking stick (instead of a cane) so I said in an email to several people that I was going to get him one of those big wooden ones and dress him up like Gandalf in Lord of the Rings. My husband and I apparently are the only ones who laughed at that. I guess our friends and family are still adjusting to the news even though we have been telling them for some time it was probably ALS.

 

[CindyM]

Oh I hear you. My DH and I joke about this all the time, and even the kids and my doctor are getting on board with the black humor. But these jokes do not seem to translate to the general public. People look shocked when I repeat them. But it works for us.