bear1973
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2015
- Messages
- 129
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 05/2015
- Country
- CA
- State
- Ontario
- City
- Barrie
I just feel I need to get some of this toxic energy out of me and this is the right place to do it with the right audience. These are some of the thoughts I get on the worst of days.
1) My situation. Just before diagnosis I went through a relationship break-up. So I have no wife, no kids, and no siblings that live close by. Mother is out of the picture, father is probably the most supportive although has many of his own issues and sometimes emotionally unable to offer support. I live alone in a home as well....this profile does not fit well with someone with ALS.
2) My past. Near 20, I struggled with alcoholism severely that included about 2 years of severe depression. It was awful, although eventually I got out of it, got sober, and had 15 good years working. Then, about 8 years ago, I went through another traumatic event that included a relationship break up, unemployment, and the loss of a family member....the unemployment during all of this was a terrible time. That lasted about 8 months - it was 8 months of rattled nerves and depression. Then I got a job where I now live and was happy until.... 4 years ago when I was targeted for harassment at work by 3 other co-workers. That was a terrible time as well, and lasted for about 8 months.... 8 months of depression and powerlessness because of the situation. Then I got out of the situation through another job and started to feel better - this was in the beginning of 2013.
Now this. Diagnosed about a year ago with ALS. Probably the single worst diagnosis a person can receive...not only are you going to die much sooner than you thought, you will be paralyzed first.
For me, it's not just the disease...it's the context, both of a traumatic history and my life situation...that is what has prompted me to scream....F...........K!! in my car some days. I feel like this is the final, knockout punch in life...that I've just had enough of being knocked down in the ring and getting back up...with the other events I mentioned there was always a way out....with ALS there isn't.
I know thinking this way is not helpful. But I just can't help it some days...I sometimes get into a rage of how unfair life can be.
All days are not like this...one the best days, I just distract myself and focus on what I can do rather than what I can't do. I also know that there are many people out there who also face raw deals in life....people with a history of childhood abuse that haunts them for the rest of their lives, as an example.
On a positive note, I do have some good friends. I do have a good disability package from work.
I am not suicidal right now, although there are thoughts of euthanasia at times....without a solid family that needs me and without a career, and without being able to do many of the things I used to like doing....I just don't see a bright future, and at times I wonder what the point is of going through the inevitable .....
Thanks for listening.
1) My situation. Just before diagnosis I went through a relationship break-up. So I have no wife, no kids, and no siblings that live close by. Mother is out of the picture, father is probably the most supportive although has many of his own issues and sometimes emotionally unable to offer support. I live alone in a home as well....this profile does not fit well with someone with ALS.
2) My past. Near 20, I struggled with alcoholism severely that included about 2 years of severe depression. It was awful, although eventually I got out of it, got sober, and had 15 good years working. Then, about 8 years ago, I went through another traumatic event that included a relationship break up, unemployment, and the loss of a family member....the unemployment during all of this was a terrible time. That lasted about 8 months - it was 8 months of rattled nerves and depression. Then I got a job where I now live and was happy until.... 4 years ago when I was targeted for harassment at work by 3 other co-workers. That was a terrible time as well, and lasted for about 8 months.... 8 months of depression and powerlessness because of the situation. Then I got out of the situation through another job and started to feel better - this was in the beginning of 2013.
Now this. Diagnosed about a year ago with ALS. Probably the single worst diagnosis a person can receive...not only are you going to die much sooner than you thought, you will be paralyzed first.
For me, it's not just the disease...it's the context, both of a traumatic history and my life situation...that is what has prompted me to scream....F...........K!! in my car some days. I feel like this is the final, knockout punch in life...that I've just had enough of being knocked down in the ring and getting back up...with the other events I mentioned there was always a way out....with ALS there isn't.
I know thinking this way is not helpful. But I just can't help it some days...I sometimes get into a rage of how unfair life can be.
All days are not like this...one the best days, I just distract myself and focus on what I can do rather than what I can't do. I also know that there are many people out there who also face raw deals in life....people with a history of childhood abuse that haunts them for the rest of their lives, as an example.
On a positive note, I do have some good friends. I do have a good disability package from work.
I am not suicidal right now, although there are thoughts of euthanasia at times....without a solid family that needs me and without a career, and without being able to do many of the things I used to like doing....I just don't see a bright future, and at times I wonder what the point is of going through the inevitable .....
Thanks for listening.