Thanks to all!
Thanks so much for all the replies, it has been very hard to deal with I never dreamed that Freddie would die, but then again it took me for ever to deal with him having the damn disease to begin with, hell that was from the very beginning. We always felt that we were going to another planet when we went to the ALS clinic. Freddie hated that place, he said that at home just him and I alone always made him feel safe and not afraid of the disease. I think the Drs. reminded him that he was going to eventually fall victim of the damn disease. At home all he would talk about was waiting on the cure, his last visit to the hospital two weeks before he passed he would reply to the doctors when they would ask him if he needed anything, just to bring him a can of stem cells. He never gave up hope. He smiled and had a great time the night before he died, He was up till around midnight. My girlfriend and an avid fan of Freddie's was here joking with him and he had her laughing talking to her on ERICA. He was fine. At around 4 am, he popped off the vent, I jumped up and reconnected him instantlly. I then woke up around 6 and thought he never asked to go to the bathroom, I started looking and calling his name and no response. I put his heart and oxygen monitor on his finger, It instantly showed a red 81 and I thought oh shit.......I hovered over him calling him and shaking him, no response. I thought for a brief moment that I should grab a bottle of oxygen and start bagging him, but I didn't.. I felt like he just wanted me to walk away, I think that I had called my sister, which would of never been the person I would of called...she never "got it" . Any way, I was begging her to please not call 911 that he was going to wake up, well a few minutes later here they were, I remember one of the paramedics saying "oh sh*t it is Freddie" I gave them the DNR, I didn't want them crushing his sternum, he was so thin. While they were reading it the one guy was crying and asked the other to "pronounce" him...........I wanted to die, by this time the house was full of my neighbors and friends..........It happened so quick....
I was beating myself up that I didn't get up in time for weeks......I couldn't believe that I slept through a beep...........Well time went by and then I started thinking and I mean hard thinking...I remembered that when they first pit in the pic line 3 months prior that the had him on a blood thinner. They had found a bllod clot in his arm. Well he had been scoped three times in about a 6 week period. He had .been in the hospital twice. He was only home 2 weeks before he passed. About a month prior to Freddie's death they told him to discontinue the blood thinner, they never took any blood tests to check the levels. I am sure that he passed away from a blood clot, I hope, I think that the pressure of the clot maybe caused him to pop off the vent, not me sleeping through it, also I think that if that was it, it was quick.......He was not in distress, he looked peaceful.
Well then it was another few weeks of beating myself up that I didn't check the blood levels, anyone that knows me knows I never missed a beat with him.........NEVER!
I have now had more time to analyze, because that is what I do.....lol.........bad habit.
I am so relieved that Freddie is free of that horrible body and his spirit is free!
I miss him so......I have never loved like that before that was my soul mate....
I will make sure that I have my ticket to the big show!
The last thing Freddie typed was I Love you Annette.
Freddie's funeral was standing room only, people were in the halls, outside and in the parking lot, the funeral home said that there was around 2000 people there they had never say anything like that. It was a celebration! His old guitar player played the National Anthem and everyone stood at the end and cheered Freddie's name! I was amazed at all of the love in the room for my Freddie. He looked so good, free of the tubes and mostly at peace. His body was covered in guitar picks from fellow musicians, the members of ZZ Top were there, it was like a huge jam session.
I have tried my best to move on and stay busy, it is not as easy as it sounds, my body is trashed, my mind is so overwhelmed. I have really put my body through some stuff.
I have decided to go to school, I will start in the fall. I am going to be a Respitory Therapist. Yes of all things, I want to do that. I want to give back...
Well I have carpal tunnel........lol.........I will be back, I feel better now, I want to help all that I can......Thanks for all the love and support!
netty
