I Don`t Know If I Can Go To My Friends Husbands Funeral

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Gina

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Hi my name is Gina and i am fairly new to this site.My husband is in the late stages of ALS with severe breathing problems being of the primary concern.My sisters best friend whom has also become a friend of mine since her husband was diagnosed with cancer three months ago just lost her husband 2 days ago.We communicated via the computer for the last 3 months just giving each other support and trying to deal with the emotions that come with a terminal illness.The news came as a totall shock because he seemed to be improving and both her and him were so positive that they could beat it.I feel so bad for her and my heart just aches.I have been a nervous wreck ever since...well actually i have been a nervous wreck for a long time now but this news just seems to have hit me so hard.I am not sure if i am crying for her or crying for myself because i know that it will not be long before i am in her position.My husband was told a year ago this month that he possibly had two weeks to a month.So as you can imagine i have not slept well in over a year...damn docs. i wish they would not say things like that...!I had planned on going to the funeral on thursday but i am starting to wonder if i can do that.I want to be thier for her but i am so afraid that i will be too over emotional and i am not sure that i can at this time handle the situation .I dont want to make this about me when she is the one who is going through this right now!I really dont know what to do maybe some of you whom have had to deal with this type of dilema could help me i want to do what is best for me and my familly but i feel so torn and disloyal. Gina
 

Icanmanz

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Hi Gina, oh God, how I wish I could help you with an idea, but it is so hard. Let me tell you what happened 6 months before my son passed. My sister's husband passed on December 29, 2006. You are right, it does make one feel so bad. When I saw my brother-in-law in the casket, I was not seeing him in there, instead I saw my son in that casket, and my son was right there. He was able to attend, bless his heart. I was quite emotional, because I knew that my son's departure was around the corner. I felt so bad, because I don't know if I cried for my brother-in-law or my son. Your mind plays such tricks with you. When we all went to the cemetery for the graveside services, after it was over, I caught my son peeking at the casket and the hole, after it was lowered. He took a peek, and then walked away. God is the only one that knows what was going through his mind, and I asked no questions. My poor son was barely getting around, he had so much difficulty walking with the assistance of a cane.

I am sure that your friend will understand if you do not attend. Another thing is, you said your husband is in the last stages, and he needs you by his side. Anything could happen in an instant. Your friend's husband is gone to heaven, and yours is about to, but you do not know when. It could happen tonite, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. Who knows? Only God knows! All I know is that he needs you by his side, and I know you want to be there when it happens. Once they are gone, that's it girl. It'd be too late for tears with all the "I wish I hads," "Only if I had done this, this way or that way." If I were you, I would sit down and write her a comforting letter from the bottom of your heart. Pour your heart out in writing. Let her know how you feel about your husband being at the last stages, and you are afraid to get away. I am sure she'll understand. I don't know if other folks will agree with me, but that is how I would handle it! Good luck sweetie, I'll be praying for you and hubby, and God bless. Keep us posted!

Irma
 

swmn

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I agree w/ Irma

Wow - I have to say Irma really has some great thoughts. As I read the posts , I thought wow - I remember when my dad died - everyone was around for the visitation / funeral - but 2 weeks later - no one! the letter Idea coupled with some planned lunches with your friend as time passes would be good for both of you.

That's what I'd want - I'd understand
 

CindyM

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IF you really want to be there, maybe your Doc can prescribe something to help you stay calm for a day or so. Doesn't have to be strong enough to make you a zombie. Just something to helpeven out the emotions. Just a thought...Cindy
 

Gina

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thanks for support and understanding

Hi,tody is the day of the funeral.Irma i dont know what i would do without you and your kind and understanding nature.When i read your reply about your brave and wonderfull son attending a funeral before his passing i knew that i could not go.It brought tears to my eyes just picturing the anguish you and he must have gone through.I have decided to send her a nice letter and a card.swmn thankyou also for your kind words of support as you say thier will be a lot of people thier to support her today but what about in the weeks to come.Cindy,I allready do take a small dose of clonazepam twice a day because i have a condition called dystonia which makes my hands and head shake and voice{essential tremor}the meds are usefull when i have to attend social events the only problem with taking them is that they are also a depressent .....Myooska thank you for your support you are a gem.As it turns out my husbands occupational therapist is coming at 11:30 and we have an appointment with a lawyer at 1:30 to help finalize the purchase of a house my son and his wife are buying...oh my god! too many things happening at once.My daughter in law had to go to emerg. last night because of a stomache thing she has which has not been diagnosed yet.Yes the same one who is buying the house and moving tom.I have not talked to her yet this morning so i dont know what the results are but i notice that her car is home and didnt want to wake her.She has a two year old so i dont imagine she will be able to sleep in much longer so i expect to hear from her soon.My husband asked me yesterday do i have to go to the funeral?Oh god how could he think i would even request that of him.?Anyway i am probably rambling and jumping around on all kinds of things ....thats the way my mind is working this morning!Thanks all i just hope Nancy will understand why i couldnt attend......Gina
 

Icanmanz

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Hi Gina, thanks for the reply. You are such a wonderful person, because you went down the line and thanked each and everyone of us. You are welcome, and I am sure Nancy will understand. Yeah, we had 3 funerals real close together. First, my sister's husband passed on Dec. 29, 2006, my son's funeral followed on June 7th, but he passed on June 3rd, then my brother's wife in Dallas passed on Sept. 8th of this year. She, too attended my son's funeral, but she was alright then. That's three in a row in one year! We don't need anymore funerals for a while!
Will be praying for yours and Nancy's family, may God bless! He will put it in her heart for her to understand. He is so good!

Irma
 

Gina

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Hi everyone,My friend nancy seems to be going through a really tought time right now.I have sent her a card and a few emails with no responce.I only hear about her well being through my sister....I think maybe that she dosnt want to talk to me because it may just be that she dosnt have the strength to talk about my situation and is so much trying to deal with her own grief.Again i want to offer her support but she has so much sadness in her life right now.My sister whom has been a great sorce of support for me is now consumed with trying to support nancy that i hardly hear from her anymore.My sister has lost so many people lately to cancer and now I think that she may be just burnt out.I miss her so much and i dont know where to turn ....thank god for this forum! all of a suddin i feel like we have the plague or something!..thank you all for listening i just feel a little lost tonight.....Gina
 

Icanmanz

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Gina, hi! Nice to hear from you, but sorry to hear about Nancy. She is in a state of grief right now. Her husband passed around Nov. 10th, didn't he? She is still in a state of shock, and with the holidays around the corner, that makes things worse. The pain is still there, and will be there for God knows how long. I just pray to God that she replies to your emails. It's so hard to say what is going through her mind. I just don't know why people grieve in so many different ways. I have known people that have had serious illnesses or deaths in the family, some do not like to be bothered, while others will be looking for a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to. I am the latter. When my son became sick, a phone call or an email always made me feel better. Even when he passed, I always had to have someone to talk to. Gina, she is just grieving, she probably wants to be alone, left alone, or whatever. Why don't you do this. Your sister attended the funeral didn't she? Why don't you ask your sister if she has recieved the "thank you" card from Nancy? Don't you think that would be a good idea to ask your sister if she has recieved the "TY' card? Give her a little time, she'll come around. She is in a lot of pain right now, bless her heart! Am praying that she'll get in touch with you soon.

Irma
 

swmn

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2 cents...

Hi Gina-
You have always been so supportive. Chances are, Nancy still needs your support, and may struggle with communicating w/ you considering your current journey... Just keep sending emails and cards focused on your concern for her - eventhough she has not responded -just keep sending them -quick little messages to let her know you care and she's in your thoughts. You may also want to email / write your sister to let her know you miss her and you hope she'll stop in soon...

You always have us to support you and your husband / family :-D
 

Gina

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Hi Irma and swmn,Thank you so much for your support and kind words and prayers!I will keep sending her little notes to tell her how much i care!I know it must be so hard on her....She is a very social person and is reaching out to her familly and friends and is back to work now.If i get to talk to my sister today i will ask her what she thinks would be the best thing to do.I have made her a floral arrangement for xmas but im not sure if she even wants to be reminded of xmas but i will ask my sister what she thinks.Well i have to start making those phone calls now the one to the lawyer and i just dread it but i know it needs to be done...THANKYOU....Gina
 

Gina

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Hey everyone thankyou so much for your support......i heard from my sister tonight ..she just wanted to check in to make sure that i was o.k and asked about glen and how things are going.I asked her about nancy and she said that she just has been so busy but thinking about me and wants to be thier for me.My sister is going to florida over xmas and i will miss her so much but i want this for her she deserves a break she has been their for me and nancy !She said too that she will miss me !She said i will have a drink for you i told her "Please make it a double!" She said 'O.K if you insist!"I feel so much more at peace tonight! My familly is so important to me right now and my husbands familly has reallly stepped up to the plate too this week...since i sent out the sos letter as i like to call it for help!My laundrey has been taking care of and they are bringing me groceries and anything i ask for they are thier ....Asking for help has always been my biggest problem but tonight i am feeling so good because i guess they feel as helpless as i do and finally are able to offer something so that they can help and not feel so helpless either!......I have learned a new lesson tonight ....to deny people the oppurtunity to help and to try to do it all yourself is selfish...you need to give people whom are suffering as you are a way to ease thier suffering as well.......Gina
 

swmn

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Deep Thoughts

Hi Gina!
That is such a special gift you are giving- to let others help where they can. The SOS email was really the great way to put the general call out, to not make anyone feel on the spot but let them know you are ready for a hand with some things. They need the opportunity to help without feeling they are intruding - it's a fine line - that seems to "move" on us all as we cope with our grief and the grief of others. You are SO generous to let them step up! Caregivers are Vital to their PALS, and if you try to do everything on your own - well, you caneither end up sick, or worse... share the love, they want and need this too! Good For You! So glad you got some info on Sis & Nancy!

{{{Hugs 4 U - because you help us ALL through!}}}
 

CindyM

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Thanks for sharing this, Gina. I am sure it will help a lot of others. Cindy
 
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