I can't do it

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justb

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It has been 3 weeks today since my mom died. Everyone around us has gone on living, just as they should. I don't hold it against them either. On the other hand my life came to a screeching halt when my mom died. Taking care of her had become my life and I am so lost and alone and so very sad.

I started going to church after momma died. I was enjoying it but now I'm just so damn mad. If there is this loving God somewhere then why do bad things happen to good people. It just doesn't make sense in my mind. NOBODY deserves this disease. My mom certainly didn't. Someone who loved life so very very much shouldn't leave this Earth stuck in a stupid ass chair unable to do anything.

god I'm so mad.
 

MtPockets

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"God, I'm so mad"

Justb,
I know right now you need to vent, and feel free to do so. That is what we are here for. None of "us", deserved to get this disease. Neither did your mom.

As you are well aware now, life is not fair. God did not promise us a rose garden life, but He did promise us life ever lasting with Him.

When I get mad at God, I tell Him what I am mad about. I lay it out right up front. No holes barred. He understands where you are right now and what you are feeling. Please do not give up on God when you need Him the most. Speak to Him, scream at Him if you like. Let Him know you need His help and He will answer.

We will be praying for you to find His peace in the midst of this storm. For only He can supply all your needs through Christ Jesus our Lord.

I can say this as one who also is dying of ALS. The only peace I have is found in Him.

God Bless
Capt AL
 

justb

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and this is stupid too

something else I have been too scared and beating myself up to tell anyone is that my left eye and just above my mouth has been twitching a lot lately and I find myself thinking oh my god...I have it. I feel so damn selfish for even thinking such a thing just because of a damn twitch. Mom had familial ALS and from what I've been told the three of us, her children, have a 50/50 chance of having the gene. My sister is getting some kind of blood test to see if she carries the gene. I keep saying I don't want to know because I don't want to live the next 20 years knowing how I'm going to die and wondering who would take care of me. My mom was only 58 years old and was only visably sick for 8 months.
 

CindyM

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Hi Justb- I am glad you decided to check in again. It must be awful to be in greif and have the sod1 gene hanging over your heads. I pray this weekend brings you a moment ot 2 of peace. Cordially, Cindy
 

Icanmanz

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justb, I will add you to my prayer list. You need Him! He is the only one that can pull you out of this negative and angry state. How sad it must be to feel the way you do. Are you angry at God? I will be praying for you dear. I am sure your mom would not have wanted for you to be so bitter and angry. As for the folks that you claim that they left and moved on with their lives. What did you expect for them to do? They were there to pay their last respects weren't they? Really hon, you should hold that very dear, and thank them from the bottom of your heart. I hope you will find help, peace and most of all God SOON! May God, yes-God, may He bless you. Your mom is not suffering anymore, let her rest in peace.

Irma
 

justb

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Of course I expected people to go on living. I ONLY mentioned that to try to make a point that it has been difficult for me to go on living when my life had become all about mom. That's all. Yes I know my mother is not suffering anymore and whether or not I "let her rest in peace" has never been an issue with me. I am glad she's not suffering anymore. That does not mean I don't miss her.

honestly I regret posting this and wish someone would delete the whole damn thing.
 

trustinggod

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Justbe,

Don't be sorry. The best thing you can do is get it all out.

The people here on this forum understand (as best anyone can understand anothers pain) what you are experiencing. I don't believe there is another place (besides on your knees before God) safer or more understanding than this group of people.

And God is not only able to handle your anger (and still love you) but he wants you to be nothing more than honest with him. He understands. The bible tells us that Jesus suffered every emotion known to man so that he could be our Comforter. Cry out to Him and ask for his peace. Don't try to understand the why's of it all. God's ways are not our ways and we must have faith to believe that he is in control.

If you'd like to go back and read my posts beginning around October of 06, you'll see that I too was the sole caregiver (besides her husband) for my friend. Although I realize it's different than losing your mom (something I've not had to experience yet)
I do understand when you say your life was all about the caregiving and now you feel so lost. I remember that feeling so well! It took me more than 8 months to begin living my life again. I would sit for days and just think and remember. I'd cry every day and relive the last few days over and over in my mind. I felt useless and hopeless and very, very angry.

If you want to talk private message me.

I'll be praying for you.
Jeanne
 

Icanmanz

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Jeanne, please! We all know you didn't mean to post that post the way you did. Your mind is still tormented, due to your mom's passing. I know it's hard sweetie, and we all react differently. When my son passed I didn't know which end was up. The whole 15 months that my son endured with als was pure hell for me. Als is a terrible disease. People that have never had loved ones stricken with this damn disease do not know what it's like. It is a sad picture. I will say it again dear, I know you didn't mean it. We'll be praying for you. Just take it one day at a time. You show that you really loved your mom a whole bunch, and bless your heart that is the reason why you feel the way you do. Prayers to you, dear. Let us know how you are doing.

Irma
 

Icanmanz

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Sorry, Jeanne! My mistake!

Hi Jeanne, this is so embarrassing! The post I sent to you was meant for justb! Sorry, I just got cross sighted! Lol!

Justb, that post was meant for you dear!

Irma:oops:
 

janf

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just b i just sent you a private message janf
 

MtPockets

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Just B, This is the ideal place to post the feelings you are going through. There are many people on here who have also lost a loved one, husbands, wives, mothers, dads, etc.
Please stay with us for awhile and let us share with you our feelings and how we learned to cope with them.
THERE IS HOPE AHEAD.
Don't give up on us or yourself. Life is still worth living.
I lost my mother, father, and mother in law. I made it through. It was hard, but not impossible.
Revelations 3:20, Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
Jesus is at the door to your heart, knocking, wanting to come into your life and be your comfort during this terrible time in your life. Please, open the door to your heart and invite Him in. Jesus loves you and wants to hug you so to speak, and comfort you.
Look at this picture below. This is what Jesus wants to do to comfort us during our hard times. When He rose from the dead and went to heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit down to earth to comfort us.
John 14:26,
"But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you."


God Bless
Capt AL
 

brooksea

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justb,

Have you considered grief counseling? You have suffered a tremendous loss and it is only natural to go through the emotions you are exhibiting now. You probably had the same feelings of shock and dismay when you found out your mom had ALS. But now the finality of the disease has come about and hit you hard. Do not feel bad for seeking support here or posting. You have to understand that we all are in this together one way or another. People from all around the world, from different cultures, from different walks of life come together here because of one thing: ALS! At times what we may be expressing in written form may not translate the emotion or feeling behind it. You are very vulnerable right now and understandably so. I wish for you a recovery from your grief. It will take a while, as it sounds as if you were a precious caring daughter. I hope you will at least go to your GP and explain your situation, as I'm sure he/she would prescribe something to help you.

Please know that we care!
 

justb

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doing better now

I am so sorry for getting so angry here. I keep thinking if people could truly see my heart...the spiritual heart, they'd know why I am the way I am. I can't even watch a silly Hallmark commercial without getting teary. My heart bursts with emotions at every little thing, especially people hurting. I hurt with people, not for them but with them. I have always always always been this way. There are times it feels like a blessing and other times it feels like a curse. I am NOT angry with God, though my initial post may have lead people to think otherwise, and that is understandable. When I was a young child people used to tell me I needed to grow a thicker skin. I literally cried at everything. It is only because I hurt for people so deeply and so entirely.

I am not angry that mom died. She is in Heaven singing with the heavenly choir and walking with her Savior. What makes me angry is that so many good, decent, honest people are suffering with such a cruel and unforgiving disease. I hope and pray some of you understand where I am coming from. Yes I miss my mother each and every day. I cannot and will not deny that. But that is the selfish part of me and nothing more.

All I keep thinking is please tell your family and your friends just what they mean to you each and every day. Don't ever be afraid to love with all your heart.
 

CindyM

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Hi Justb- glad you are doing better now. Keep in touch! Cindy
 

brooksea

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Hey justb,

Glad you got back with us! something good will come to you for being such a caring daughter. We each are made differently, thank God!

I hope that in the coming days things will get better for you.
 
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