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zoohouse

Senior member
Joined
Jan 14, 2013
Messages
958
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
07/2012
Country
CA
State
B.C.
City
Salmon Arm
I am at my wits end and it has nothing to do with this disease.
After the scare we had with Tim's gallbladder and his increasing difficulty speaking and swallowing I decided I would arrange for all of his kids, and mine to come for Christmas. I contacted them all and told them that we would like to pay for the air fare for them and their significant others for Christmas. Because Christmas is a high season it would have to be from the 24th to the 31st so that we could afford it. His eldest son asked if he and his wife could come on the 26th instead, and we told him that it would mean over $300 more for each of them, and a second trip to the airport 60 miles away. His response was "well I don't know what to say." Nothing more, and was not willing to talk about it for the next couple of days. His youngest daughter asked if she could come a couple of days earlier and she would pay the difference. We said of course she could but that it would be $450 dollars more. She was not expecting it to be that much more and said to go ahead and book it for the original dates, and thank you very much.
His oldest daughter got back to us saying she thought that they could make it. She did ask who was coming, which didn't surprise us as she and her brother had been at odds over the last year or so. We told her that we had invited all her siblings, and her response was well count us in.
This is all sounding great, right? Two days later Tim's oldest son finally found time to Skype with him. He said he couldn't come on the 24th and 25th because we had taken his dog sitter and he had to work. Tim asked him why the other days were OK then, and it went down hill from there. I was doing the laundry and I started to hear a lot of disrespectful comments. I will be the first to admit to having a bad temper, especially when I see young people being disrespectful to their elders. Then Tim told him that he was sorry he couldn't make it because all of his sibling would be here. When he found out his older sister was coming he started to yell. When he started calling her filthy names, I had had enough and told him he had better check his attitude, and that he should not speak about his sister that way. I warned him that he would regret those words if anything happened to her and those were the last thing he had said about her.
OK I was yelling, I admit it, but in my defence I had to yell to be heard over his yelling. He hung up after a few more expletives. 15 min. later I get a call from my son that David had called him saying that I had the nerve to yell at him and I did not have the right.
It went down hill from there if that is possible. Apparently kids don't have to respect us unless we deserve it, and I should not have yelled at him. WHAT! We do no have the right as their parents to expect them not to scream and swear while speaking to us, when we have never behaved that way?
So, for Tim's sake and certainly by his request I texted his son and apologized for raising my voice to him. I told him that his father wanted to talk to him, and I promised him I would not be in the room or interfere. Skype was set up and the connection was made and I went into the office.
Tim is a soft spoken man who has the patience of Job, and does NOT use profanity. With in 2 minutes David was yelling at his father, ranting, screaming, because his sister deserves all of his contempt. He said there would be fighting, and it would be Jessica that would be the cause of it all. It went on and on, with Tim only able to get a few words in asking him to please stop yelling and swearing. This didn't improve anything, then his son stormed out leaving Tim staring at a blank screen. But Tim's wife stepped in and started yelling at Tim as well. When Tim did get to ask why David couldn't come on the 24th when the flight wasn't until 6:40 pm well after his work, she told him it was none of his business. She was willing to stay home and dog sit the dogs, and save the money on the fare, so David could come and if we had to make an extra trip to the airport, Oh well. Then David came back, and she stopped yelling and said, "I love you Tim." in a sweet voice. When Tim repeated the question to his son the screaming started again. In total his son yelled at Tim for 45 min, I had taken note of the time.
I feel that I had practised super human restraint staying in the office, but I was cracking. Then I heard Davids wife interupt and said "forget the 24th and 25th, if you want David there he will come on the 26th, we have made all the compromises that we are going to make. Tim tried to get David to answer his question, but she stopped him saying "enough! YES or NO!
I am screaming inside my head NO, NO, HELL NO!, and I heard a quiet calm "well then, no."
from Tim. At this I got up knowing that the yelling would continue, and it did. When David saw me walk with great resolution into the room, OK when he saw me stomp into the room, he said " Oh no you don't." and hung up. Tim was shaking, and I didn't know he had enough muscles left to do that. He started to cry saying he had failed his kids, that he had done a poor job and didn't know why he should continue to fight this disease. I reminded him that there were two parents involved in raising the kids, and he did not teach them that behaviour, where as his ex was famous for her foul language and tantrums. Three of his kids were coming and we would have a good Christmas. It would be Davids loss, and chances are that if he had come it would have been a disaster.
That was yesterday, and today we have been getting a berage of scathing texts from his ex-wife. She posted long sermons about burning bridges, and setting boundaries, and that she is a mother bear who will protect her young, on and on.
The only good thing I can say about Tim dying is that he will be free of this disease and we will be finally free of her. I will never have to even think about her again.

I am so sorry friends, I am emotionally drained. I thought I was doing something good and it turned out to be a nightmare. Please pray for me if you are so inclined. Pray that I have wisdom and patience. Pray that both of our eldest son's remember that this was not the way they were raised.
I know that this is turning into a book, but I had to get it out. I am open to advice, even if it is to say that we handled it poorly. I know that it will be said with no bias, and I admit that I certainly could be wrong.
Paulette
 

Green Queen

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Joined
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DX MND
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4/2016
Country
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Paulette why do the nicest people have the worst family? ?

This is about you not me so I won't go into specific incidents. This year for Christmas I'm looking out for number one.
Number one happens to be two people. My kids. I refuse to subject them to any more unpleasant Christmas days.

Therefore I would tell that David to shove it fair up his arse. Invitation revoked.
If he can't put his dear father before himself then bugger him.

The two people who you need to worry about is you and Tim. Whomever is happy to come is welcome because they are obviously putting tim first.

The rest can rot. Seriously. I have issues from the other side and as hard as it is...sometimes for our own sake we need to let go.

A wise lady once said to me we can't change other people's opinion of us.
I love it. I'm much more settled in decisions I make regarding putting my kids in awkward situations.
Be settled in decisions you make to keep tim happy.

We can wash our mouths out with soap later.

All the best with it Paulette. I'm so on your side.

God bless, Janelle x
 

Nuts

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Joined
Feb 23, 2014
Messages
2,534
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2014
Country
US
State
NC
City
Littleton
Wow, just wow. Paulette, what a beautiful and generous idea--to bring them all together to see their father and each other, and to offer to pay for it. How incredibly thoughtless of their responses. Is it possible that they don't understand what an effort this is for you (and I mean both of you)? The screaming and foul language...that's just unimaginable. Their father is dying and David can't put aside whatever is issue is with his sister for his father's sake?

It sounds like David and his wife have huge issues, and from what their mother did, I'd say she must be a piece of work.What business was it of hers?

You did right. I'm glad that when you were able to restrain yourself you heard Time tell David no. I can't imagine the pain that caused him, but it was certainly the right thing to do. I don't know that I would have been able to show the restraint you did. I know it's right to respect our PALS wishes, but that was so incredibly hard.

Enjoy those who come. Try to put David out of your mind...it's clearly better tha the not be there. I hope he settles down and makes a seperate trip...on his own dime...to see his father. His wife needs to stay home with the dog. Period.

Oh, I'm ranting and rambling. I'm so upset for you. As I said, enjoy those who come.

Oh, and block the ex on your cell phones. Seriously, block her. You don't need to see more hatred from that psycho.
 

fionae

Distinguished member
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
236
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
08/2015
Country
US
State
CA
City
San Diego
Dear Paulette,

How awful this was for you and Tim to go through. I'm so sorry this happened to the two of you. I will be praying not only for the two of you, but praying regarding the entire situation. It breaks my heart that Tim was treated like that, and was brought to the point of his questioning fighting this illness. It breaks my heart.

I will be praying.
Take care,
Laura.
 

Michellesews

Distinguished member
Joined
Aug 30, 2015
Messages
100
Reason
Loved one DX
Diagnosis
09/2015
Country
Uni
State
TEXAS
City
El Paso
Maybe I'm fortunate that my kids rarely speak to me....
 

scaredwifetx

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Very helpful member
Joined
Jul 25, 2015
Messages
1,573
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
07/2015
Country
US
State
tx
City
Dallas
Oh my dear Paulette. How horrible this must be for the two of you. I can't for the life of me figure out how kids cannot put thier differences aside for thier father. This goes to show you how bad it could be for the holidays if they all did come to visit. As far as not doing a good job of rasing his children, that has nothing to do with the way they are acting and most likely not sue to him at all. both Steve and I have children from previous marriages and I struggle daily with the fact that his children are so distant during this time. Steve also feels he let his children down and maybe he did in some ways. My Daughter on the other hand loves my husband to death as well as my grandchildren. We have heard three weeks in a row that his daughter is coming to visit and she has not shown up once.

Yes,we make mistakes as parents but that does not give them the right to act this way. My mother lives with me, I take care of her and trust me when I say she was A TERRIBLE mother. I lived a huge part of my childhood in foster homes, never lived in one spot longer than six months and was abused by my stepfather. I chose to forigive her for myself and understand that she had issues from her childhood and mental disease. I believe that what another person does to you is thier karma and how you react is your karma.

Enjoy the holidays with the family that does come to visit and don't allow any fighting at your home. The time you have left is to precious to allow family to upset either one of you. That will be much worse than if they were not there. What you are trying to do is what everyone should be doing in your family and they are adults so should know better. I will pray for guidance, patience and a wonderful hoilday for both you and Tim. I will also pray for the children. They need to set the past aside and understand that they are choosing the last memories they have with thier father and will have to live with thier decisions for the rest of thier life. I understand just how bad anger and resentment can mess up a person and until we learn to put it aside we are robbing our loved ones and most importantly ourselves.
 

cheerleader

Senior member
Joined
Jul 6, 2013
Messages
977
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
08/2012
Country
US
State
Midwest
City
Small town
Paulette, if I were in your position, think I would send out a very LOVING letter telling of your joy that they are coming and then-----I would list the cold hard facts to share your expectations. For instance: " because ALS is such a horrendous disease with no positive outcome, we never know if this will be the last gathering with your father. We know you will join me in making this a loving time of caring and showing your dad how important he is in your life. Trust that you will put aside any differences to make laughter and the joy of being together the focus for the week. As this disease continues, know we all hope his heart will be filled with happy memories to get him through the difficult days ahead, unhampered by any moments of discord."

Good luck. Donna
 

lgelb

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8,147
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Country
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WA
City
Seattle
Paulette, I can't imagine and am so sorry your good deed was thrown back in your face. You did nothing wrong. And Deb, you're a better woman than I as well.

My letter would be less loving than Donna's and basically say that they can either leave sniping at the door or find themselves locked out in the snow. I might also add that you have the rest of your lives to hate each other, but your dad only has a short time left to love you.

And I'm w/ Becky on blocking anyone who can't be civil currently. My autoresponder would be something like wow, yelling at a dying, paralyzed man you're related to -- stay classy.

Moreover, if you don't think this group can be family for a week, I'd make it a virtual reunion (with your finger near the "end call" key) for those who cannot be. I understand what you want, and what Tim wants, but maybe this isn't a "better to have tried" deal.

Another (more pricey) thought: could you alternate visits somewhat by keeping the flights the same but having the estranged sibs stay elsewhere nearby, not with you, for alternating days? [Maybe this is already the case.] The pretext could be too many people at once?

Doubtless, though, seeing him in person will soften some of the hostility. You know better how much.

I can only restate how much I admire what you are trying to do for Tim (and the family as a whole, though they cannot see that).

--Laurie
 

anderkling

Distinguished member
Joined
Dec 1, 2014
Messages
270
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
01/2015
Country
CA
State
B.C.
City
Surrey
I am dumbfounded by such flagrantly disrespectful responses to your generosity, especially given Tim's condition. This is not a reflection on Tim and how he raised them. All I can add, Paulette, to this sad chain of events is that I will pray for resolution and calm, now and at Christmas.
Charlene
 

LifeEnthusiast

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Joined
Apr 13, 2015
Messages
322
Reason
DX MND
Diagnosis
04/2015
Country
CA
State
Canada
City
Somewhere In
Sending you love and hugs, Paulette. Behavior and ungratefulness like this, I'll never understand. You and Tim do NOT deserve it. Sadly, I can't speak highly of my family either. Perhaps, they are cut from the same selfish, self-centred cloth. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Hope the Karma Gods are watching closely. xx
 

zoohouse

Senior member
Joined
Jan 14, 2013
Messages
958
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
07/2012
Country
CA
State
B.C.
City
Salmon Arm
Thank you all for your support and understanding. Today is our massage day so I hope to just relax and enjoy.
Oh yes, just got served for a malpractice suit against the hospital, but I am also named as a defendant as I was the triage nurse. The lady lost her lower leg from lack of circulation, and I feel horrible for her. I am thankful that my charting was top notch, and I do believe that it will support that I was not negligent but I really don't need this right now.
I am feeling so under attack by the advisory, but I am really trying had to focus on my faith, that this is happening because Tim and I are a light for Christ. Thank you for the prayer covering. God bless you all.
Paulette
 

notBrad

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Joined
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Messages
621
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OR
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The coast of
So sorry to hear that Paulette and here's my $0.02

This comes under the category of "No good deed goes unpunished" so screw them and the horse they rode in on. They do not deserve to spend time with the rest of the loving (and obviously sane & normal) family so don't talk to them about it any further and the rest of you have a warm, loving and wonderful holiday together sans the self centered trouble makers.

Life is short for those of us wrestling with the ALS monster and that makes it doubly too short to waste time with those who don't appreciate us. Sorry to be so blunt but that type of behavior is one of the few things I have a very short fuse about.

Take care,
Brad
 

Green Queen

Very helpful member
Joined
Mar 30, 2015
Messages
1,294
Reason
DX MND
Diagnosis
4/2016
Country
AUS
State
Western Australia
City
By the beach
Oh Paulette.
I just love you. You are so strong, compassionate and caring.
The Lord definitely chose well when he chose you to carry a burden.
The children and now this!
You are in my prayers dear lady.
God bless, Janelle x
 

SLAUGHTER1555

Distinguished member
Joined
Jul 12, 2015
Messages
107
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
05/2015
Country
US
State
Oh
City
cincinnati
Omgoodness Zoohouse! We are in a similar boat my PALS kids came to my home and ambushed him about life insurance! Lied said they were trying to convince him to get home health care smh. I posted my rant up the other day under my PALS ambushed by kids. If u see it read it. Anyway long story short they came to my home upset him and left him gagging one daughter ask for everything she gave him back while he's alive! Really! So I banned them all from my home unless the call first. He can't walk and barley talk why would u attach him like that. Honey dump.them kids life is too short and he does not need that mess! My PALS kids guilt trip him too they got mad cuz he tool them off the life insurance and put his wife on it go figure lol. It's a mess don't let them harass him I told my husband i know those are his kids but I will not let them treat him this way. It's hard for him cuz he loves them but in time he will be ok. They told my husband call him when he dies and they'd come to the funeral unbelievable! Kids are a mess no matter how much you do for them smh. I hope it works out for you but you're doing the right thing protect him!
 

gooseberry

Extremely helpful member
Joined
Jul 2, 2014
Messages
3,457
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
5/2014
Country
US
State
FL
City
Tampa
Pau,ette we have had a big family ho,iday time with Steves family last year and will again this year. Several friends are also coming. Our chink in the well made plan is the psycho sister who has accused her father of unspeakable things. Thru the years she has been miserable to all of us so we don't invite her to these gatherings. Last year she pitched a fit. I told her it was simple, the time was about Steve not her. She wasn't invited because of her actions. Happy holidays. I didn't win any awards with some members of the family but too bad we were footing the bill.

I say the same to you.....if the son stresses Tim, tell him he can come if he behaves otherwise he will need to leave. This is about Tim and you not the toxic family.
 
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