Husband cant look after me

[Sammy88]

My husband nearly pulled me from my wheelchair to the floor trying to get my hoist straps on me because he was drunk, luckily I managed to grab hold of the joystick.

He starts screaming and shouting, throwing things around. So tonight I'll stay in my wheelchair all night cos I'm scared. I used to be able to defend myself but now I break down and have panic attacks. My adult kids won't listen how bad he is.

I can't live with this disease and being treated this way. I've told the hospice he shouts and throws things about but they say that's understandable he's stressed. No one sees the fear in my eyes once he tips over the edge every single day. Any ideas please.

 

[ReginaS]

"I can't live with this disease and being treated this way." Right. Is there anywhere else you can go and be taken care of? This is hard and you do not need this. As bad as it sounds - it's pretty much impossible to fix a person who is drunk, especially if they drink alcoholically - or often. It's a waste of energy to try to do so. Alternatively, don't be alone with him - that's easier said than done. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

 

[lgelb]

I am sorry. You should not have to live in fear.

If your children do not believe your husband is out of control, maybe you can get one to install a nanny cam or voice-activated microphone so they can see for themselves. I would also insist that hospice and your clinic, and your husband's GP document your statement in your and your husband's records, respectively, relative to this pattern of behavior. Doing so gives them a greater measure of accountability and possibly interest in a solution.

And I'd make sure that your adult children's contact information in full is in all your records. You may also wish to reconsider any legal arrangements that involve your husband such as health care proxy, emergency contact, etc.

Of course, I would share any such actions with your children and anyone whose hospitality you might seek in the short- or long-term to impress upon them the lengths to which you feel compelled.

If you feel comfortable doing so without fear of making things worse, I would share your actions with your husband as well, perhaps with a counselor or other neutral party in attendance as witness. Sometimes it's easier for people to be their worst selves when they think no one outside the home is watching or aware. Your purpose would be to take away that comfort factor.

 

[Sammy88]

Regina's, there isn't anywhere else I could go unfortunately. My kids know he's a drunk. He promised he would give up the drink when things got worse with me. I ofcourse knew that was a lie but thought he would at least be sympathetic and understanding . It's all about him.

 

[Sammy88]

Igelb, Thank you good idea about a camera. I going to explain again how bad things are to my kids. Everyone just thinks he is stressed but he's being violent. When I'm having a panic attack he laughs in my face. I don't understand why he's so cruel.

 

[KimT]

Sammy, I had no idea that you were going through all that. Nobody should have to endure abuse. I wish there was something I could do for you. Your post made me cry. I forgot how old your children were. Do you still have the dogs?

I've had alcoholics in my family and it's the #1 reason I never drank. I'm so sorry.

I've missed seeing your posts on the UK forum.

 

[Sammy88]

Hi Kim, yes I still have my 2 little dogs, one usually goes to bite my husband while trying to protect me. My kids are all adults now in their 30s. I'm also not a drinker xx

 

[yogi123]

ADDING TO THE CONVERSATION

Around one in four women and one in ten men in the UK have experienced domestic abuse during adulthood.

In the UK, one in 20 women and one in 40 men experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months. Four in five of the women did not report the abuse to the police.

We have a huge chunk of people in the UK currently experiencing MND who have also experienced domestic abuse in their lifetimes.

We also probably have around 300 people experiencing MND who were abused by their partner in the last year.

Research on violence experienced at home by women with disabilities reported:

· Disabled women are twice as likely to experience gender-based violence than non-disabled women

· They are also likely to experience abuse over a longer period of time and suffer more severe injuries as a result.

· They are less likely to seek help and often the help is not appropriate.

· Disabled women made up 7% of all service users at surveyed domestic violence agencies

Disabled women said that their being disabled made the abuse worse and severely limited their capacity to escape

· Financial abuse is widely experienced by disabled women

· Abuse is often more acute where the abusive partner is the carer



SOME UK SOURCES OF ADVICE/SUPPORT USING VOICE OR KEYBOARD

NIA for women

Nia did the above research for a year on disabilities and domestic violence. They will be tuned in.

Email [email protected]

020 7683 1270

Independent Domestic Violence Advocacy

If Haringey, Newham or Hackney 03000 120 213

WOMEN´S AID

Will respond to email within 5 days: [email protected]

Live Chat via keyboard with Women´s Aid when looked wait time was 25 mins Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat



NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPLINE

0808 2000 247 national helpline run by Refuge



RESPECT men´s advice line

0808 8010327

Email support [email protected]



DISABILITY LAW SERVICE

Free legal advice for people with disabilities on low income

[email protected]

0207 791 9800



RESEARCH WITH DISABLED WOMEN IN UK not specific to MND

Microsoft Word - The_pack.doc

“Violence experienced by disabled women can often be the same in many ways as that perpetrated against non-disabled women. However, disabled women are also vulnerable to other forms of abuse. Some examples are listed below….

· Taking away aids or adaptations

· Using aids to physically hurt the woman

· Over and under medicating her

· Refusing or delaying assistance

· Rough handling whilst assisting her

· Force feeding/ not feeding the woman

· Using physical or chemical restraints (such as forced drugging)

· Leaving a woman in dirty clothes/sheets

· Keeping a woman in the bath or on the toilet for extended periods of time, or not assisting her to use the toilet or bath

· Sexual touching whilst assisting her

· Unwanted fondling

· Using threats of withdrawing assistance if she does not comply sexually

· Using aids to sexually assault woman

· Violating a women’s space or privacy whilst she is changing, bathing, using the toilet, etc

· Name-calling or sexual taunts relating to impairment

· Promoting image of her as asexual

· Refusing to use protection

· Forced sterilization

· Forced abortion or forced birth control

· Keeping her in inaccessible/unsuitable accommodation

· Accompanying the woman everywhere

· Calling the woman names relating to her impairment

· Making her beg for assistance, food or money 10

· Blaming the fact that she is disabled for the abuse

· Telling her no one else would want her

· Controlling finances/benefits

· Patronising her; undermining her ability to do things for herself

· Moving things around to confuse or restrict her movements

· Encouraging phobias/depression

· Threatening to not provide care

· Speaking in an intentionally complex or confusing way

· Isolating the woman: controlling what she does, who she sees and speaks with

· Refusing to allow adaptations or equipment that would aid her independence, such as bathroom adaptations or a teletext phone.

· Keeping her in a perpetual state of dependency instead of encouraging her to do things that she is able to do for herself

 

[yogi123]

Sammy I do not want to presume.

You wrote that you had higher expectations of your husband and presumably had reasons for these expectations (that he would be sympathetic and understanding). He seems to also have had better expectations of himself (that he would be sober when you needed him to be). You have been together a long time and share children.

You have also written that you feel frightened, that there has been shouting, throwing objects, violence, belittling and some danger in using equipment.

I have put some UK contact details on another post.

 

[annlee]

I am new to this forum but was wondering if you have a center for Domestic Violence in your area, that could help you with resources? Also, have you considered getting a restraining order on him, which would require him to leave the home. I hope you are asking all medical personnel to document your concerns each time you see them. If you were to leave, could you be eligible for Medicaid to help with expenses? Not sure where you live. I hope your family will help you find a safe place. Can you move in with one of them?

 

[Nikki J]

Annlee Sammy is in the UK. Underneath the profile name on the left side of a post you can see the profile information that includes location as well as forum interest and diagnosis date

Sammy I am desperately sorry. You have had such a difficult time even without this.

 

[Sammy88]

Annlee, I can't move in with one of my children, they have families of their own. I can't even visit them because their homes are not suitable for me to enter due to steps. My kids want my husband caring for me because it would mean they would have to step up. I feel like a problem not a human being.

 

[ReginaS]

Sammy, this is really difficult. If I understand the situation correctly, you are stuck with your abusive, alcoholic husband unless something drastic happens. Can you take a care taker that's with you during most hours? Do you have any kind of ally that could help you locally to figure things out? It sounds like your kids cannot or do not want to step up to the plate and it might be more convenient for them to not be too involved. I am very sorry about that.
When I read your messages I'd like to pack my bags and fly over to England and help you. It's not OK that you have to live in fear. ALS is hard enough in itself. You need someone on your side that's able and willing to help you. Can you think of someone you can confide in and who could help you organize more help for you?

 

[Sammy88]

Regina's, One of my daughters is trying to get me carers so it will take the stress of husband. The problem is he will never give up the alcohol .

When professionals come round he acts like the perfect husband . I have asked him to leave but he won't because people would think bad of him leaving a terminal wife, it's all for show. I haven't got the energy to go down the police/ legal root , I've done that in the past and always came off worse due to people believing him and his family hating me because I called the police. He acts like the perfect gentleman.

 

[Sare2211]

Sammy, I think you can self refer to social services as a ‘vulnerable adult’ which covers a disabled person . It may well put the frightners up him and also give you priority to get him out if needed. They can help you get kind carers to give you the care that you need. They may help with technology to keep you safe.