Lynn555
New member
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2006
- Messages
- 9
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Chatsworth
Hi. I don't know if anyone can help me with this, but it's very upsetting, and I just really need a place to air this.
My mother has PBP. She's had it for 8 years now, and she still can eat soft foods and swallow okay. Her main problems are speaking (non-existent now) and chewing (difficult).
The problem we are having now is that recently she has started falling. She has fallen three times in the past few weeks. She said that she doesn't think it's weakness in her legs, she thinks she is losing her balance (although I'm not sure if she would be able to tell the difference). We spoke to our ALS case manager and the ALS support group that we go to about this. Everyone agrees that she should get a cane or a walker so that she is more stable in order to help prevent future falls.
This is all well and good. However, the real problem is her husband (my father). On the way back from the support group meeting today, we stopped at a drug store, and I told my mother that I wanted to look at the canes there for her, that it was a good idea to be prepared and to be safe, and she nodded. I went over to the selection of canes, and there was a really nice one with a very comfortable handle with the foam around it, it was very sturdy, and it had pink roses on it. My mother liked it. She walked around with it a little bit, it was very comfortable for her, and she decided that she would get it.
Now enter the real problem. My father flew into a rage, from the minute I said we would look at the canes. When I first was looking at the canes, he kept YELLING VERY LOUDLY to not get her a cane, that she doesn't need it. I calmly said that she needs to be safe and that we just want to support her, and he just got louder and angrier, so that the entire store was now watching and listening to him, yelling at me not to even look at the canes. Then when I was trying to ask my mother if she liked that pink one, my father kept physically getting in between us and blocking me and not letting me near her or even see her, yelling and screaming to get away, and he then got even more aggressive, both verbally and physically. He started loudly verbally attacking me, telling me that I'm trying to make her sick, and screamed at me, "YOU'RE TERRIBLE!", and he lunged at me to physically assault (hit/beat) me (this is not the first time). I brought my arms up to protect myself and quietly said, "don't you dare touch me." He then brought his arms up, made fists, shook them over his head and in my face and VERY LOUDLY screamed, "COME ON, THAT'S WHAT I WANT, YEAH, LET'S DO IT, COME ON!" :evil: I walked away.
I think the bottom line is that my father is in denial about my mother - he's in denial about her illness, about her needing help, about her falling, about her needing support. And anything that threatens that denial gets a response of incredible, intense, rage. So my poor mother gets no support from him. She gets nothing from him but anger. And she gets no cane.
So I can understand it, but that doesn't help her. The end result is that she did NOT get the cane that she liked and wanted and needs, because she is allowing herself to be intimidated by a controlling, angry, violent, irrational jerk who does not have her best interests at heart. And she puts that over her own health, safety, and well being. And there is nothing I can do about that. Even if she really hurts herself with her next fall, she may reconsider, but he will probably angrily "forbid" it.
I told my mother that she should go back and get the cane herself, that she needs it for balance, for her own health and safety and well being, and that it's her decision, not his. But I doubt she will.
I don't even know how much I can still help her anymore. My father is violently stopping me. I think the only thing I can do is back off and give them space. But that means my mother has no support whatsoever, and her health and safety is still at risk.
Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this before? I don't know of anything else that I can do.
Thank you! (Sorry this is so long!)
My mother has PBP. She's had it for 8 years now, and she still can eat soft foods and swallow okay. Her main problems are speaking (non-existent now) and chewing (difficult).
The problem we are having now is that recently she has started falling. She has fallen three times in the past few weeks. She said that she doesn't think it's weakness in her legs, she thinks she is losing her balance (although I'm not sure if she would be able to tell the difference). We spoke to our ALS case manager and the ALS support group that we go to about this. Everyone agrees that she should get a cane or a walker so that she is more stable in order to help prevent future falls.
This is all well and good. However, the real problem is her husband (my father). On the way back from the support group meeting today, we stopped at a drug store, and I told my mother that I wanted to look at the canes there for her, that it was a good idea to be prepared and to be safe, and she nodded. I went over to the selection of canes, and there was a really nice one with a very comfortable handle with the foam around it, it was very sturdy, and it had pink roses on it. My mother liked it. She walked around with it a little bit, it was very comfortable for her, and she decided that she would get it.
Now enter the real problem. My father flew into a rage, from the minute I said we would look at the canes. When I first was looking at the canes, he kept YELLING VERY LOUDLY to not get her a cane, that she doesn't need it. I calmly said that she needs to be safe and that we just want to support her, and he just got louder and angrier, so that the entire store was now watching and listening to him, yelling at me not to even look at the canes. Then when I was trying to ask my mother if she liked that pink one, my father kept physically getting in between us and blocking me and not letting me near her or even see her, yelling and screaming to get away, and he then got even more aggressive, both verbally and physically. He started loudly verbally attacking me, telling me that I'm trying to make her sick, and screamed at me, "YOU'RE TERRIBLE!", and he lunged at me to physically assault (hit/beat) me (this is not the first time). I brought my arms up to protect myself and quietly said, "don't you dare touch me." He then brought his arms up, made fists, shook them over his head and in my face and VERY LOUDLY screamed, "COME ON, THAT'S WHAT I WANT, YEAH, LET'S DO IT, COME ON!" :evil: I walked away.
I think the bottom line is that my father is in denial about my mother - he's in denial about her illness, about her needing help, about her falling, about her needing support. And anything that threatens that denial gets a response of incredible, intense, rage. So my poor mother gets no support from him. She gets nothing from him but anger. And she gets no cane.
So I can understand it, but that doesn't help her. The end result is that she did NOT get the cane that she liked and wanted and needs, because she is allowing herself to be intimidated by a controlling, angry, violent, irrational jerk who does not have her best interests at heart. And she puts that over her own health, safety, and well being. And there is nothing I can do about that. Even if she really hurts herself with her next fall, she may reconsider, but he will probably angrily "forbid" it.
I told my mother that she should go back and get the cane herself, that she needs it for balance, for her own health and safety and well being, and that it's her decision, not his. But I doubt she will.
I don't even know how much I can still help her anymore. My father is violently stopping me. I think the only thing I can do is back off and give them space. But that means my mother has no support whatsoever, and her health and safety is still at risk.
Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this before? I don't know of anything else that I can do.
Thank you! (Sorry this is so long!)