I have many things to say and little time so here goes.
It seems the problem is not just the bed but the couch too. You need to get it higher. We altered the beds legs with wood so it wouldn't be so hard on my back to move him. Later we got a special bed that props up the back ( or legs which we dont use) and also has vibration ( which Andres really loves, he uses it all night) it is not a hospital bed because he wanted something bigger ( full size) and hospital beds only come in twin size. Having a bigger bed is more comfortable for him and easier for me to handle him and turn him around. This is the kind you get in a regular bed store it does not get higher like a hospital bed but my father in law built a support for it with a couple of wood boards so it would be higher.
Also the USA they have all kind of things and I even saw they sell attatchments for furniture legs to make them higher.
About knee buckling and transfers.
Does he have braces on his legs to support the ankles. That helps alot with support. during transfers.
II am dealing with exactly the same issue. I finally got the hoyers lift but haven’t used it yet. Im gonna practice on my sister first. andd well with everything I know it will be hard at first until we develop a system like we have had to do with everything else, I haven’t done it because I don’t want to torture him and since this is for me I wait. But I know I really shouldn’t. LIke I am afraid to ask him to endure more discomfort for my sake (as if I didn’t endure a lot of discomfort in my life for him, like back pain). My advice is not to be afraid to ask, he will probably be glad to be able to help you for a change.
In the meantime what I have done and that has helped a lot, is that every time I need to hoist him up in his chair or transfer I ask anybody who is around for help (or call someone nearby) It has releived a lot of my back pain. It is much easier between 2 people. Sometiimes there is nooone around, But if you can substract a few lifts from your day it sure helps.
It is inmensely important that you do whatever you need to help your back. I know, I have been struggling with burning back and neck pain for a couple of years. I got Xrays and the chiropractor said I have deviated cervicals , you dont want that. It iis not going to get better, if you ignore yur body as I did it will only get worse.
I know how hard it is to do things for yourself. Under the huge burden of the work, you need to let go of some things and sometimes ourselves are the easiest to sacrifice. At least you know you wont have to deal with anyones anger because you left something unattgended. ASt least that is what we think, the body has many ways of making itself heard when it is tired or depleted.
Sometiimes caring for yourself feels so inconvenient, I know I have reacted with anger when people tell me the "care for the caregiver lecture" like “yeah, whatever, thats easy for you to say”. Although I know its true.
Andres asked me the other day “why is it you can move heaven and earth to get me a van wheelchair computer etc” ( I organized huge fundraisers) “and you find it so hard to ask for what you need for yourself” . Hmmm
Sometimes it is easier to try and do whatever necessary so our Pals won't be angry, like they are dealing with so much already (That is guilt speaking) or out of self defense, because you really don't need any more stress or problems than you already have without them being angry with you.
Andres used to be really angry a couple of years ago, would take it out on me, like nothing I would do was ever good enough. We had huge fights, because I had to push things that I knew he needed, like the cane, then the walker, then the wheelchair when he was falling and breaking his head. It angered and bewildered him to realize he was getting worse. At the same time I was in so much pain because, to support his denial, he was using me as a cane and I was a part of that little game.
Then when he couldn't use his hands he was angry because I, of course could never do things exactly like he wanted them. Anyway, we had a therapy session and he told me an amazing thing. He said “I am like a boy that needs limits to be set I will get away with as much as I can" Wow! so I realized I wasn't helping anybody by letting him pour hiis anger on me. Of course they feel bad too when that happens it makes them feel wretched to treat bad the person on which they depend on and love. They are dealing with strong emotions but they have personal spiritual and emotional work to do in dealing with this disease ( you may or may not believe or that growth is one reason that we are going through this, it doesn't matter) and part of our work is to help them do it right ( hurting others is not the way) to learn the lessons they are being taught in surrender, tolerance, patience, compassion and right action.
Andres and I are partners in this way he won’t let me get away with neurotic behavior and neither will I. Which means we will let the other vent frustrations and try not to take it personally or get hooked in the story line but also to try to lok at what is underneath the pain and frustration under the anger. By the way anger is almost always a reaction to fear.
I also want to say that nothing is permanent and emotions also happen in stages. The Angry phase ended and he went into a mucho more loving and tolerant phase which happened partly due to the magic of acceptance, but also because I began to set boundaries and would very fiirmly not let him take it out on me. Everybody has to makke their own judgement oon what is healthy venting and when it is destructive unfair or hurtful, and therefore in no ones benefit.
There is no way that Chris could think you are weak ( though he could even say so). Although I know they can often lose parspective trapped in the huge demand of their failing bodies and will do and say many things in their very real quest to get their needs met. It is obvious to everyone ( except probably ourselves) how incredibly strong we are and you, my dear are among the strongest, so young and raising a beautiful baby on top of it.
Of course he knows that perfectly, though he might not let on as a way of keeping you doing what he needs you to do, his life depends on it. I really am speaking of myself here in this last bit, I do not know your relationship. I do know that Andres can manipulate me with that, although he has sometimes told me I am the strongest woman he knows. I know II have a big fear that he will think I am weak, maybe it is in the face of such endurance that we feel we have to be at least as brave as they have to to live through this.
And somethiing ellse I want to say is that they will manipulate. Be it with anger , guilt trips, ( Every tiime I would tell him something like I am tired, Something hurts or I need space or whatever he would respond with, soomething like “I am worse off than you”, “I never rest, I never gett time off from this disease”, “mine hurts worse” etc. My answer, and I trulyy believe this, is for example : yes , you are always worse off, we know that, but yours hurting more doesn’t make mine hurt less and this (fill in the blank) is what I need to get better.