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New member
Sep 28, 2007
Friend was DX
My boyfriend (who I live with) just got a sad call this morning. His father who was diagnosed with ALS a little over a year ago has passed early this morning in his sleep. This all happened so suddenly I can't even take it all in. My boyfriend just cried while I held him and now he is gone to go be with his mom. I'm just in a state of shock right now and I didn't even know what to say to my boyfriend except for I'm sorry and I love you. I just can't believe this has happened it's like it hasn't all sunk in yet. I knew his dad didn't have much time left but I didn't know it was going to be today. I knew his last doctor's appointment wasn't a good one but I never asked my boyfriend about it because I knew it upset him to talk about it. I just don't know what to do right now I can't go back to sleep because I hate knowing how upset my boyfriend is right now. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm supposed to celebrate tonight and tomorrow and I don't even want to knowing how much pain my boyfriend is in. This is so awful and I just don't know how to deal with it. I know I should be here for my boyfriend but I just don't know what to do or what to say I couldn't even imagine if this had happened to my father. Please help I need some advice or just someone to talk to. :cry:

First let me say how truely sorry I am sorry you and your boyfriend and his family have to go through this. I will give you what I have.

First of all the hardest thing to know is - This is not about you. I understand you know that at some level, but if you really want to helphim you need to deeply understand your boyfriend cannot take care of your feelings and how you wsant to help him. He may not let you help him at all. However, he might be very openly sad. It is his call. When my mother in-law died, a man I did not know well at all asked me "How is your husband doing.--- before I could answer, he patted me on the shoulder and said - Don't worry you will probably never know, he's a man." I don't mean to be stereotypical and he didn't either but it was a good thought. We never really know how another is feeling, we can only love them and silently be there. Do not pester him to share but be available. It's been two years and there have been only snipets of words regarding his mom.

The other thing it seems to me is you need to get some comfort. This is whrre girlfriends come in. Go with them and celebrate your birthday while he is gone. Talk to them about how your feel and your loss and fears. The death of a parent is very difficult and you need comfort too, but do not expect it from your boyfriend. He has a mother to help. This is the time to find your own girlfriend for comfort so you can be strong for him and his family.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take Good Care, Hope this helps. Peg
Hi Alaskren - I am so sorry for what you and you boyfriend are experiencing. Did he not want you to go with him to be with his family? That may have helped you deal with this a little better and offer some support to him as well, though, I know the travel may be difficult. Even though this was unexpected and you didn't get much chance to talk with your boyfriend about it, you could talk to him about the peaceful nature in which his father passed. The lack of suffering and the fact that his dad is in a better place are some positives you can try. I bet he will have no problem opening up to you about this if you start the conversation. Maybe you could make sure he won't feel offended if you go out to celebrate. It seems this may be inappropriate if you two are close and have a future together. I wish you the best.
Hello alaskren, This kind of tragedy always leaves everyone feeling alone and helpless, and the loss will be felt not only right now but for weeks and months to come. Your boyfriend will need your support at every major holiday, Birthdays, Anniversaries, and so on for the next few months. He will need support especially in about 4 to 6 weeks, when the funeral is over and the mourners have all gone about their lives. I am glad you decided to reach out to us. Feel free to do so anytime. Cindy
Thank you all for responding to my thread. I tried to go to work yesterday morning--the morning my boyfriend's father passed, but I only stayed for a few hours because I wanted to be with my boyfriend. He seemed very happy that I was there. We all talked about it and agreed that he passed very peacefully in his sleep free of pain right next to his wife in bed. I'm glad he did not have to suffer and that we did not have to suffer watching him suffer. I'm glad his time came before his condition got worse. My boyfriend had to make the funeral arrangements and find pictures of his dad. It seems he likes to talk about his dad the way he used to be before he had the disease when he was happy. I try not to ask questions unless he wants to talk about it. His family is blessed with lots of good friends who care and will help them through this very hard time. I also asked my boyfriend (with his permission) to pick out his favorite picture of his dad and I will paint his portrait (I am an art student) so we can have it in the house and always remember him. I celebrated my birthday with my family and we (my boyfriend, friends and I) are going to celebrate tonight. My boyfriend says that his dad wouldn't have wanted to ruin my birthday and I should go out and celebrate. Instead of flowers at the funeral we are taking donations for ALS research. Again, thank you for taking the time to respond! God bless.
Beautiful. Thank you so much for writing back. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!. I appreciate closure and knowing this. I love the portrait idea. My niece drew a picture of my husband and dog from a photo and I gave it to him for his birthday - so I appreciate the art. I know your picture will be filled with love. Peace to your boyfriend, families and friends. God Bless you both. Sincerely, Peg
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