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trisha p

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Feb 16, 2005
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Hi guys,
I'm just on my way to church but I have a tough decision to make over the next few days and was wondering if anyone one else has made the same one. I am sure some have or considered it. My brother lives in Calgary and progressing continuously. He told his wife a few days ago that he doesn't know how much longer he can hold on. It's difficult to hear but we are supporting him as best we can. But the problem is that no one else from our family lives in Calgary. I am the closest to him, relationship wise, and I live in Ottawa; see him a few times over the last year but I know he and his wife need help.

I feel like I should move out there to be with him, to spend whatever time I have left with him. To do this, I'd have to sell my house, which I love, but it's just a house. I can always get a new house and a new job - things are just things and family, is family!

Is this the right decision? I feel caught between a life I love here and a brother I love more than anything. well he said it would mean the world to him to have me out there (they didn't ask, I asked them what they thought). I hate the thought of moving but if I don't is it something I'll regret? I know no one can really answer these questions except me, but I sure could use some advice from people who are living the same things. It would be a fast move, as soon as I could sell my house...

any thoughts?
 

Mike27

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Hi Trisha,

Couple of questions;
Are you married and/or with children? and
have discussed this move with your brother?

I read in your post that you floated the idea and your brother said it would be great, but did you tell him you were seriously ready to move and prepared to do it soon?

The reason I ask is I have people (family) say to me that if I need them they'll move here in a heartbeat! That's very nice to hear but I would feel soooo guilty about making a family member pack their lives, leave a good job, good house and good city to come and help me.

In my case, my sister lives in Michigan. Her and I speak two or three time a week and she comes to visit once or twice per year. I know she cares about me and my family but I wouldn't want her to pack up her life and move here. On top of the dealing with ALS, I would have to deal with the guilt of knowing I uprooted one of my family!

Like your bro in Calgary, I have everything I need at hand. My wife, doctors, homecare, OTs, PTs and the ALS Society to aid me in getting the services.
If I take a turn for worse, she can get time off and fly here for a few weeks. Beyond that, I would rather she live her life as per normal.

This gives me peace of mind.

I think I'm rambling but I hope I made some sense. I guess I am saying that before you make you're move, make darn sure that this meets with the approval of your brother AND his wife.

Cheers and luck!
 

trisha p

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Hi Mike,

Thanks for your reply. My brother AND his wife have been trying to convince me to move out there for the last 4 years, since well before his diagnosis. To answer your questions, I am not married, no children and no boyfriend so I am as unattached as they get. I have wonderful friends and a few cousins who live in Ottawa but that's about it.

I spoke with them last night and I wanted to make sure they wouldn't feel guilty about me making the move because I didn't want to add that on to their worries. And yes, they know it would be soon, like as soon as I could sell the house, and I could stay there while I looked for a new job. I did say that I was undecided if I could actually do it but the reasons are selfish ones and I know that family is more important.

I've been praying about it and while I do not have total peace yet with the decision, I think it is coming. I'll still talk to my parents and some friends and garnish their advice, but when it comes down to it, life is really about love. They (Dwain and his wife) have said to think about it somemore and not to make the decision too quickly. In fact, Dwain has said he doesn't believe I will because he doesn't want to get excited about it. I don't think they'd feel guilty about me uprooting myself at all. They need family and I know my sister-in-law is struggling with things. As for home care, it's been hit and miss and they've been having difficulties finding help. Thanks though, all your comments give me more things to think about....
 

Snowbird

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Compromise

Hi Trish!

Moving would cost you a lot of money, so obviously that is not the biggest issue. A suggestion might be for you to make periodic visits for a few days or a week at a time, and then return home. If you decide that you belong at your brother's side, then you will know. Many of the people who did not visit my husband loved him dearly, but they wanted to remember him as they last saw him. We respected them for their decisions. You will know in your heart after a few visits whether or not you belong by his side. If you don't want to move, DON'T. There are other options. Compromise.

All the best.

Pat
 

asd724

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Oct 17, 2005
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Moving

Trish,

What about keeping your house and renting it out? That way you have the security of knowing that you could always go back home if you wanted to. I'm in the US and the tax laws are different here, but we usually get a good break on rental property.

I also agree with one of the other replies. Try it for a couple of weeks and see what you think before you commit.

Many Blessings!
 

PALS Mike

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I moved from Ottawa to Calgary 7 years ago... Trust me, you wouldn't regret it!

But what Mike said is also VERY true.

If your family wants you here...
The housing market is still good in Ottawa (You're not in Vanier, are you? :( )
 

Al

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Country
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Hi Trish. Last year here was a lady named Gisele on the forum. She was from Calgary and had a brother in Ottawa with ALS. She would go out to stay with him for a few weeks at a time. I think I can recall her saying after his passing that she had wished she had spent more time with him. I haven't seen a posting from her in quite a while but I am sure she would say go if you think it's right. Trust your feelings. Rent your house if you want to keep roots in Ottawa. Gisele's brother went downhill very quickly when he got to a certain point. Hopefully your brother will plateau and give you a long time to spend with him.
 

Timshelper

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Nov 11, 2003
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154
Hi Tish,
In recent posts I too had to come to a decision on whether leaving my family life behind and be with Tim. I had those feelings of guilt and felt like I had betrayed him somehow. Unless you are positively sure dont do it there are always alternatives and compromises. Tim is still living on his own which is incredible in itself and he could never ever come up with a time frame when I would move in. I think about it now and about all the things I would of gave up and proably regretted. He knows that I will always be there for him no matter what. He has included me in his journey but his is somewhat different then from many I have seen on this forum. On the hand if you feel Calgary would be a place you would like to be and could continue a lifestyle that would be rewarding to yourself as well as your brother rent the Uhaul and fly with excitement and a new lease on life. No matter what you decide your brother will understand. He knows what his life path is and would want the same for you I'm sure of it. I wish you all the best and I definitly understand the feelings you are relating.
Kim ALS About Loving Someone
 

trisha p

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Feb 16, 2005
Messages
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Thanks for all your advice and enouragement. I am still deciding although I have more peace about the move now. Unfortunately, I cannot just visit for weeks on end because my job doesn't allow for that much time off - as a contractor, I can only afford so much time. But I'm looking for a job out there and trust if I am meant to move, the Lord will provide the means to get there and make my paths clear. He's always provided the answers when I've needed them and know He'll do it now. So if the job prospects materialize, I'll have my answers. But then I tease my mother that I can always go out there and work at Hooters! She almost dropped the phone!

Dwain's vital capacity is down to 38% - not sure if that's bad or not but he seems in good spirits and okay. They just hired home help, which will make things better and we are talking more and more on the phone. That helps because his wife feels more connected to us and can atleast share her feelings with me more and get things off her chest too...

Thanks again all and I'll keep you posted as to my decision process...
Trisha
 

A Daughters Love

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Oct 8, 2005
Messages
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Hi Trisha,
I have just made a somewhat difficult choice like yours. My mom has ALS and can no longer live on her own, because of fear of falling and fatigue. My huband and I have asked her to come live with us. I have to small children and I know this will have a great impact on everyone's life. We are going to do some remodeling for this. But the bottom line for me is, I have to be able to say to myself when she is gone, that I do not have any regrets! I would not be able to live with myself when she is gone, if I didn't do everything I could to help her. I am not saying this is the right thing for everyone, it's just how I feel. Good luck to you. If it's in God's plan for you, he will help you to see it.
Michele
 

trisha p

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Feb 16, 2005
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Well folks, the decision is made. I am moving to Calgary to be nearer to my brother and his family. The house went on the market last week and as soon as it sells/closes, I will head out there. My brother and his wife, daughter are thrilled and I know know that this is the right decision. I'm looking at it not only as an opportunity to be with my brother more but also to embrace the changes in my own life that I've wanted to make - change careers, focus more on the dreams I've had that I've always been afraid to chase. One thing I've learned in this journey is to not be afraid to pursue the things that matter the most to us! Thanks for all your advice, it has definitely helped me find peace with this decision!
 

Granny

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May 18, 2005
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Dear Trisha,
It is so good to hear you sound so sure and positive about your move to be with your brother. It sounds like the move will be good for all of you, and that you may be able to follow some dreams as well as help your brother and his family. Hurrah for you!
You must be relieved to have the decision behind you.
Keep us posted on how things go.
Love, Leah
 

A Daughters Love

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Oct 8, 2005
Messages
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Hi Trisha,

Glad to hear you have made a decision, and are happy with that. You are right, this journey does teach people to pursue the things that matter the most. Good luck in your move. I will pray for you that it all goes well. Take care,
 

Carol Deboer

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May 7, 2003
Messages
343
Hey Trisha,
Glad to hear that you are moving out to help with your brother. You have listened to your heart, and your heart has steered you in the right direction. Congratulations, you will now embark on a journey that will bring you much satisfaction. Of course, I will not sugar coat this, and you will have many tough times too. However, you will never have any regrets about your time with him and his family. Good luck, and I will pray that God will give you the needed strength and compassion to get through it all. I think that you are an incredible woman and my hat is off to you. Your brother is truly blessed to have such a caring and loving sister.

Stay Strong, Carol
 
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