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myheart2yours

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Corona
So im acaregiver to my mom for a little over a year now and today she sat with my family and I to tell us she is too weak to fight anymore and wants to go to some sort of hospice! She says to get professional help and give my father and I back our lives! This is the first she has said anything about this and she seems very persistent! We have a huge close family and we have told her she is more than welcome to live with us and get assistance from a nurse if she feels she needs it>>>says she is depressed and fears being paralyzed and unable to speak...she says too much work to move...sys she needs rest and cant see herself getting to that point ...but why leave us? We wanna spend every last minute with her and its like suddenly that doesnt matter! I dont know what else to tell her and I dont know if asking her not to go is selfish on my part...i dunno if anyone else has been thru this and if it will pass but im so sad that she will go. She says she doesnt wanna die in our homes...but none of us care about that all we want is for her to be home so that we can all enjoy eachother here on earth while we can. I feel helpless and nothing i say seems to help.....:-(
 
Mothers always put their families before themselves and that is what your mother is trying to do now.
On the other side, families love their mothers and need and want them with them and that is what you are trying to achieve now.
Both sides of the equation are acting from love.

What matters most is the comfort and care of your mother. If she can get the same quality of care at home with you then your love surrounding her is nothing but a bonus to her and a relief to you. So if a professional can persuade her and you that this is the case - and that is important - then you have just to persuade her that your loves are equally strong and she can stay with you with no guilt about spoiling your lives - that on the contrary, your lives are enriched by her presence, and hopefully, hers by yours.
Irismarie
 
irismarie, you are so correct! The only other things that I would suggest are; is she on any medication for depression/anxiety, have you compared the quality of life/cost of care between a long term facility and hospice in the home? I hope and pray that today is easier for you and your Momma.
 
That is a tough one, no easy answers. If you have talked to her and she still insists on calling hospice then, as hard as it will be, I think you have to respect her wishes.

That probably is not what you want to hear but step back for a minute and objectively think about what she is saying.

I wish you luck and hope she changes her mind.
 
I'm going to be the devil's advocate, because I understand just how your mom feels.

It sounds to me like this is not a snap decision, but one she has been considering for a while. You are thinking of how you love her and love having her presence in your home, but she is in an exhausting struggle. You are not inside your mom's body. I've tried to go on hospice twice now, only to be talked out of it each time. "It's not time," etc. I'm like your mom: I just want to rest. In my case, I am sick of the endless struggle to go to useless doctors' appointments (for my husband and me), and trips to the ER, and to keep up a good front for others, and keep participating in exhausting "conversations" when you cannot speak and sometimes it takes every ounce of energy you've got to type or push buttons on a speaking machine.

I know I'm venting here, and did not mean to. But hospice doesn't mean she's going to die in 20 minutes ... or six months! ... or a year! It just means she will get some rest, and support from people who won't keep urging her to "fight on" and on and on when she has reached a point of acceptance. I know you want to spend every minute with her, but please think of the cost to her.

Dying is a Big Thing. I know on this forum we talk about life not death, but coming to terms with your own death requires some peace and space, and this is what your mom is talking about. You're going to be heartbroken whether she dies tomorrow or in a year. The pain will be the same.

Right now, her needs come before yours. Sorry to be blunt. Let her make the decisions she needs to about her life, and please support her in those decisions. That is the greatest gift you can give her.
 
Beth, truly spiritual advice and so heartfelt. YOU are the greatest gift!
 
I agree with Beth. You have to support your mom in her decision. I'm sure she didn't just suddenly come to this conclusion. She may be putting on a front for you so that you won't worry. It is probably exhausting her. I'm sure she just wants some rest with people who are not family taking care of her. You can still visit.
 
Beth, well said dear.
 
I'm going to be the devil's advocate, because I understand just how your mom feels.

It sounds to me like this is not a snap decision, but one she has been considering for a while. You are thinking of how you love her and love having her presence in your home, but she is in an exhausting struggle. You are not inside your mom's body. I've tried to go on hospice twice now, only to be talked out of it each time. "It's not time," etc. I'm like your mom: I just want to rest. In my case, I am sick of the endless struggle to go to useless doctors' appointments (for my husband and me), and trips to the ER, and to keep up a good front for others, and keep participating in exhausting "conversations" when you cannot speak and sometimes it takes every ounce of energy you've got to type or push buttons on a speaking machine.

I know I'm venting here, and did not mean to. But hospice doesn't mean she's going to die in 20 minutes ... or six months! ... or a year! It just means she will get some rest, and support from people who won't keep urging her to "fight on" and on and on when she has reached a point of acceptance. I know you want to spend every minute with her, but please think of the cost to her.

Dying is a Big Thing. I know on this forum we talk about life not death, but coming to terms with your own death requires some peace and space, and this is what your mom is talking about. You're going to be heartbroken whether she dies tomorrow or in a year. The pain will be the same.

Right now, her needs come before yours. Sorry to be blunt. Let her make the decisions she needs to about her life, and please support her in those decisions. That is the greatest gift you can give her.
you are so right, and it still hurts either way ,sometimes i want to die first so, i dont have to see him go thru this and other times i know i really need to be here to help him thru it
 
myheart to yours--- i am so sorry its an awful place to be
 
Beth-

".... coming to terms with your own death requires some peace and space,..."

I never thought about it like that! Thank you for your candor. It has certainly given me some insight; and hopefully, will help me be a better listener to what is said , and what is not said.

It also highlights that even though a wife, who is the closest person to her husband- who understands him & his feelings better than anyone else- can never fully understand what he is dealing with when it comes to this issue!

Again, thank you for your honesty in sharing!
 
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think your Mom has like others have said has been considering this for quite some time.
I truley believe in what Beth said that just because she chooses hospice dosen't mean she will die in a week, month, or even a year. They will come in and help her and be able to offer you and your family a tremendous amount of emotional help. They are there as much for the family as they are for the patient.
To me it sounds like your mom is thinking of all of you first. I would susspect she is trying to make her illness easier on you, she sounds like an amazingly brave, loving mom.
There is no love like that between a mother in child.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
In friendship
Jeannie
 
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