• Memoriam wall
    • We've created a memoriam wall to remember our friends
    • If you know someone that battled ALS, please add them here
Status
Not open for further replies.

IluvNY

Member
Joined
Jun 14, 2011
Messages
26
Country
US
State
nj
City
montclair
Two years ago today, and the sadness, the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness, the struggle to adjust to my life without you and face each day with a smile and faking that all is okay is enormous. I never realized how alone one can feel in such a big world but I do. I get lost in my thoughts and find myself repeatedly saying, wow my Ben is really gone, over and over again. I miss you with all my heart and soul, the plans we had....no more. I talk to you constantly and think of you constantly and I feel your presence. Almost everything triggers a memory of you and I can't bare to do certain things or watch your favorite programs like Judge Judy and Curb Your Enthusiasm. I haven't watched Judge Judy in 2 years but did watch Curb and laughed a lot and in my head I could hear you laughing but the pain afterwards wasn't worth watching.

You was perfection in my eyes, as close to perfect as a man could be. And it warms my heart that you thought the same of me. I remember the first E-card you sent me 2 weeks after our first date, (14 yrs ago) the 2 parrots on a swing that read "We are perfect together, we were born to be together" we knew that just 2 weeks in LOL. I remember printing my beautiful ecard out at work and cutting it out and taping it to my computer monitor and all the girls would go awwww he is so sweet...:) I still have that print out and it still has the tape attached to it. I'll get around to framing it eventually along with all the other beautiful cards and photos. It's just too difficult to look at all those memories and realize you are really gone.

No more cards from the love of my life, especially today - My Birthday and the day you departed from this earth AND the anniversary of our first date February 3, 2001. I often wonder and am perplexed about this date, does it mean something, is there some supernatural reason why on my birthday? As I sit in the house alone, too sad to even go to work today, I've been reminiscing all day going back to the first time I saw you, to our first date and all the wonderful times we had together. I miss hearing you say "happy birthday honey" and us celebrating together. I am grateful for another year of life but how do I celebrate a birthday that is the same day that my best friend left me? It seems a bit unfair but I will try hard as usual to face the world tomorrow with a smile and keep all my despair and pain to myself. I'm reading the book "The Map of Heaven" it gives me some comfort thinking that I could see you again :)

Writing this is helping my mood a little. I still send you emails and IM's...lol. I miss how we used to IM throughout the day while at work. I'm so happy I saved some of our chats and emails....one day I'll be strong enough to read them and include them in the collage of memories I plan to put together. Like you, I never really complained and asked why....we just dealt with that evil, cruel, horrific ALS witch as best we could with little to no help from family or friends...just me and you. But lately I find myself a little angry and for the first time asking why and even thinking to myself that life can really suck and why are the good ones taken so soon and suffer so much? I don't want bitterness to take root in my soul so I need to overcome that feeling before it overcomes me. I think I will pour myself a glass of wine now and continue reminiscing about the good ole days.

Love you bunches
 

Jeanau

Distinguished member
Joined
Jan 21, 2015
Messages
336
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
12/2014
Country
US
State
PA
City
Pittsburgh
Sorry for your sadness and pain. It is never easy to lose the love of our life.
 

cheerleader

Senior member
Joined
Jul 6, 2013
Messages
977
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
08/2012
Country
US
State
Midwest
City
Small town
Shed tears with you tonight. We had 54 years - but it is still never enough. Sending hugs to my sister in pain, as we lament our losses and celebrate the love we had. Donna
 

Gembead

Senior member
Joined
Oct 11, 2014
Messages
592
Reason
Loved one DX
Diagnosis
10/2014
Country
Aus
State
Western Australia
City
Bridgetown
Sending you hugs, sorry for your pain, I know this is how I will feel when it comes time for my love to leave me.
Love Gem
 

affected

Guru status reached
Joined
Apr 26, 2013
Messages
13,337
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
05/2013
Country
OZ
State
AU
City
lala land
Such a beautiful memorial even if heartbreaking, so real.

I hope it has eased your pain just a little.

I believe we never 'get over' losing them like some people think. We simply find a way to carry our precious memories without being overwhelmed by the grief.

It is a big lonely world out there, but here you know there is a refuge.

Peace to you my sister in pain, may you rise above the bitterness, I don't see that being able to steal your soul after all the other beauty you wrote about.
 

anderkling

Distinguished member
Joined
Dec 1, 2014
Messages
270
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
01/2015
Country
CA
State
B.C.
City
Surrey
What a beautiful tribute to the person who meant the world to you! How unimaginably painful is your loss. My husband and I share the same kind of close relationship, and my heart breaks when I think of our separation in death. You wrote "in heaven" in your title. I hope that brings you a little comfort to know that he is safe and pain free and rid of this awful disease. I hope it brings you a little comfort in believing that you will see him again, and spend all of eternity with him. Life is so short. Time passes quickly on this earth, although right now it seems slow and painful and grief laden for you. I'm sorry for your loss, so sorry. That you miss him so much speaks of the great love you had that never ends.
 

Barbie

Extremely helpful member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
2,659
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2007
Country
US
State
FL
City
orlando
hugs to you! I hope you find peace and happiness again soon...
 

MaxEidswick

Legendary member
Joined
Sep 1, 2013
Messages
5,567
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
08/2013
Country
US
State
Texas
City
Pinehurst
>I miss you with all my heart and soul

we never forget!
 

Nuts

Extremely helpful member
Forum Supporter
Joined
Feb 23, 2014
Messages
2,562
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2014
Country
US
State
NC
City
Littleton
I wish that we could ease your pain and lonliness, and I fear the day that I feel as you do. Yours is a beautiful tribute--I'm sure Ben is smiling and sending you love and hope for peace.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top