IluvNY
Member
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2011
- Messages
- 27
- Country
- US
- State
- nj
- City
- montclair
Two years ago today, and the sadness, the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness, the struggle to adjust to my life without you and face each day with a smile and faking that all is okay is enormous. I never realized how alone one can feel in such a big world but I do. I get lost in my thoughts and find myself repeatedly saying, wow my Ben is really gone, over and over again. I miss you with all my heart and soul, the plans we had....no more. I talk to you constantly and think of you constantly and I feel your presence. Almost everything triggers a memory of you and I can't bare to do certain things or watch your favorite programs like Judge Judy and Curb Your Enthusiasm. I haven't watched Judge Judy in 2 years but did watch Curb and laughed a lot and in my head I could hear you laughing but the pain afterwards wasn't worth watching.
You was perfection in my eyes, as close to perfect as a man could be. And it warms my heart that you thought the same of me. I remember the first E-card you sent me 2 weeks after our first date, (14 yrs ago) the 2 parrots on a swing that read "We are perfect together, we were born to be together" we knew that just 2 weeks in LOL. I remember printing my beautiful ecard out at work and cutting it out and taping it to my computer monitor and all the girls would go awwww he is so sweet...
I still have that print out and it still has the tape attached to it. I'll get around to framing it eventually along with all the other beautiful cards and photos. It's just too difficult to look at all those memories and realize you are really gone.
No more cards from the love of my life, especially today - My Birthday and the day you departed from this earth AND the anniversary of our first date February 3, 2001. I often wonder and am perplexed about this date, does it mean something, is there some supernatural reason why on my birthday? As I sit in the house alone, too sad to even go to work today, I've been reminiscing all day going back to the first time I saw you, to our first date and all the wonderful times we had together. I miss hearing you say "happy birthday honey" and us celebrating together. I am grateful for another year of life but how do I celebrate a birthday that is the same day that my best friend left me? It seems a bit unfair but I will try hard as usual to face the world tomorrow with a smile and keep all my despair and pain to myself. I'm reading the book "The Map of Heaven" it gives me some comfort thinking that I could see you again
Writing this is helping my mood a little. I still send you emails and IM's...lol. I miss how we used to IM throughout the day while at work. I'm so happy I saved some of our chats and emails....one day I'll be strong enough to read them and include them in the collage of memories I plan to put together. Like you, I never really complained and asked why....we just dealt with that evil, cruel, horrific ALS witch as best we could with little to no help from family or friends...just me and you. But lately I find myself a little angry and for the first time asking why and even thinking to myself that life can really suck and why are the good ones taken so soon and suffer so much? I don't want bitterness to take root in my soul so I need to overcome that feeling before it overcomes me. I think I will pour myself a glass of wine now and continue reminiscing about the good ole days.
Love you bunches
You was perfection in my eyes, as close to perfect as a man could be. And it warms my heart that you thought the same of me. I remember the first E-card you sent me 2 weeks after our first date, (14 yrs ago) the 2 parrots on a swing that read "We are perfect together, we were born to be together" we knew that just 2 weeks in LOL. I remember printing my beautiful ecard out at work and cutting it out and taping it to my computer monitor and all the girls would go awwww he is so sweet...
I still have that print out and it still has the tape attached to it. I'll get around to framing it eventually along with all the other beautiful cards and photos. It's just too difficult to look at all those memories and realize you are really gone. No more cards from the love of my life, especially today - My Birthday and the day you departed from this earth AND the anniversary of our first date February 3, 2001. I often wonder and am perplexed about this date, does it mean something, is there some supernatural reason why on my birthday? As I sit in the house alone, too sad to even go to work today, I've been reminiscing all day going back to the first time I saw you, to our first date and all the wonderful times we had together. I miss hearing you say "happy birthday honey" and us celebrating together. I am grateful for another year of life but how do I celebrate a birthday that is the same day that my best friend left me? It seems a bit unfair but I will try hard as usual to face the world tomorrow with a smile and keep all my despair and pain to myself. I'm reading the book "The Map of Heaven" it gives me some comfort thinking that I could see you again
Writing this is helping my mood a little. I still send you emails and IM's...lol. I miss how we used to IM throughout the day while at work. I'm so happy I saved some of our chats and emails....one day I'll be strong enough to read them and include them in the collage of memories I plan to put together. Like you, I never really complained and asked why....we just dealt with that evil, cruel, horrific ALS witch as best we could with little to no help from family or friends...just me and you. But lately I find myself a little angry and for the first time asking why and even thinking to myself that life can really suck and why are the good ones taken so soon and suffer so much? I don't want bitterness to take root in my soul so I need to overcome that feeling before it overcomes me. I think I will pour myself a glass of wine now and continue reminiscing about the good ole days.
Love you bunches
