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billygoatswife

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May 31, 2017
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4
Reason
Lost a loved one
Country
us
State
texas
City
tyler
I don't know where to turn. I have been grieving for 5 years now. The day my husband of 25 years was handed a death sentence with a diagnoses of bulbular onset als. My life has forever changed. I cannot function without medication. He passed away less that a year after diagnoses. It hurts just as bad as it did the day it happened, i can't understand, why us? My memory from 2012-2013 is so foggy. I was a widow at 47, he was only 54. We have 2 son's. They are my rock. I still have days that i have no control over my emotions and cry all day. It is less frequent. No one knows how truly bad by depression & anxiety are. I hide it as much as i can. Some days it just hits me like a ton of rocks where ever i am. Everyone tells me how strong i am. They don't see me falling apart behind closed doors. Am i crazy does anyone else have this hard of time after this length of time. Its like, no one can truly understand your pain. I don't any widows at my age. I have recently thought about therapy. But to me its like continually re-living the most tragic event in my life over and over. I still carry so much pain & i hurt for my kids. So much that their dad won't be here to share. Seems like my life has totally turned upsided down & the downward spiral is never ending. Please, i am open for advice for healing. I pray to god everyday to release the pain. I am so tired of hurting & hiding my emotions.
 
Have you been seeing a counselor on a regular basis and also a psychiatrist to medically manage the depression. I really think it would be a good thing if you did. You and your sons have lives to lead and your dear husband would want those lives to be rich and full.
 
Please get to your doctor and discuss this so you can receive help.

No one can tell you how to grieve, but you are crying for help with deep despair and you can be helped and it can be private from your family if you don't want them to know.
 
Tillie is right, see your doctor. Maybe they can help.

Beyond that...I could copy and paste dang near all of your post in my own writing....
I lost my wife of 27 years after 2 year battle. 52 yr old widower. Life forever changed. Hurts just as bad today as it did then. We had a son and a daughter. I hurt for them too. I hate what all shes not here for...for them.

But, she wouldn't want me to not go on living...and I figure yours wouldn't either. I am pressing forth...as are you. A little(alot) of them are in us...they live on thru us. Keep your head up, it will get better.

In the meantime, ask your doctor for suggestions...non medicated suggestions. Possible therapist/consultant...someone that could help you talk thru the grief process, maybe find something hung up in there...couldn't hurt.

You can get thru this. It does get better. It will.

tc
 
I am sorry you are in so much pain. I too lost my husband after 21 years of marriage to bulbar ALS after a 2 year battle. It has only been 10 months so I don't know what it will be down the road. I just know it is very hard right now. The pain of losing someone to ALS is indescribable. I think everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. It is never good to hide from pain, as if you do, it will just catch up to you someday anyway. You say you cannot function without medication, this is okay, but maybe you do not have the right meds for your depression. Talk to your doctor about other medications that might help you. Then always keep in mind what would your husband want for you and your life? You can honor your husband by creating a life he would be proud of (and that you would be proud of too). Also, you may try planting a garden. This may sound a little strange, but somehow seeing new life grow and flourish is healing (to me at least). I have one garden bed I planted in my husband's honor last year (planting a favorite flower our family enjoyed) and this year I am expanding to more gardens so for me doing something we shared together and doing it in his memory is helpful. Another thing many people find helpful is journaling. You may also want to see if a local hospice has grief support groups -- some have groups specifically for widows. Just remember you deserve a good life and it is okay if it takes awhile to find it. You have been through a lot. Your joy will return someday.
 
has anyone seen a therapist for continued grief. I am on depression and anxiety meds. that have helped me tremendously, had a couple of bad days
 
I saw several therapists and, after about a year, I settled on a psychiatrist I liked. I've been seeing him once a month for 5 years and I really enjoy our visits.

The first therapist tried to analyze me and then he would "relate" to me by telling me a story about someone else. I didn't like his personal ego.
Then I saw a psychiatrist who just asked questions and gave me pills. He diagnosed me with PTSD from my military days.
The next therapist helped me with my military PTSD by doing EMDR therapy.
Much later, I found a psychiatrist I could relate to. We don't talk about ALS at all. Every visit, he just says, "Tell me about your month." I tell him and he often spends the remaining time telling me about some random subject.

I used to spend every night just thinking about my PALS, and thinking how sad it was that she died so young. But over the years, that has stopped. Now I enjoy my days without any sadness.

I take an anti-depressant.

For me, the sadness went away.
 
Hi, Tyler,

My husband, who had ALS, spent some of his childhood in Garrison and some of his family used to live in Tyler as well. Our son scattered some of his ashes both places. I have been hoping to do some gardening with Larry's favorites myself, Neilswife, so you are well ahead of me.

Tyler, it has been 2 1/2 years for me and separating the now from the past is still a work in process, for all of us, I think. It is hard to know that my husband will not be here to share what our son does, but I know he would be proud while always trying to help him be his most authentic self. So I can be/do that not as a replacement, but to honor the gist of what I know he would be sharing.

I'm glad you are on meds that are helping and starting to "see the sun." As Atsugi says, seek counseling if you think it might help. You are not alone in this, so please stop by any time.

Best,
Laurie
 
I had another thought and that is sometimes you need counseling off and on. You might go a year and then have a rough patch. It helps to have someone whom you trust ready to help you navigate the rough patches.
 
I also found comfort in my Therapist.. i held off going for a while until I realized that the way it was effecting me was starting to drag my 2 kids down my " Hole of despair "... it's not about reliving the pain and grief it's about getting tools to help you through the everyday thoughts and feelings that are a part of our lives..
 
My son and I went for 2 years straight when my husband was diagnosed. We didnt always talk about als but more his emotions and how we were feeling. We talked about bright spots and things to look forward to......you really arent hiding your pain from anyone. Your kids will see thru it. Ask them to go with you. You might be surprised how much they need it also.

Therapy, with the right person, helps you to process your feelings and thoughts. They help with strategies for relaxation. We started yoga and meditation as a result. It cant hurt to try it.

I would see your doctor about your meds. If you arent seeing a neurologist I would consider it for management of the anxiety and depression. Many pcp hand out scripts but dont have the training to tweek a med. A neurologist does.
 
One other thing I think is worth mentioning.....the age at diagnosis, where you were in your family life and marriage can impact your response to loss. I am 15 months out from my husbands passing and I am enjoying life and freedom. My son is 14. From almost the time he was born, my husband went thru many health issues....eyelid tumor, galllstones, kidney stones x3, diabetes diagnosis, vertigo issues, then als. I had had a really tough road for many years. I know my husband did also.

Counselling helped my son and I deal with the range of emotions from seeing dad get sick, not being able to get or give him a hug, seeing him face health challenge after health challenge, and finally seeing him lose his abilities bit by bit. Counseling helped work thru the grief, fear, pain, and guilt. My son and I are in a much better place today and have many things to look forward to. We learned to become a team and to work thru a crisis. Counseling was so valuable.
 
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