Going to visit an old friend and have questions

[k1mmar]

Hi there. I have recently reconnected with a friend from high school who has been living with ALS for five years now. He is only 41, and is in a nursing home. He has a trach and is totally paralyzed. He does text and has use of a computer, so we have been talking every day. Even though I haven't seen him in over 20 years, we have a connection and I want to go see him. And he wants to see me too.

I am ashamed to admit that I am a bit nervous. I just don't know what to expect. I know he is obviously not well, but the communication is what is making me nervous. What if I get there an he's not in the chair? How will I talk to him? Should I hug him? That might sound stupid, but will I hurt him? Can I bring him anything? I think the world of him and just want this to be a nice visit. Please, any advice would be so appreciated.

Thank you so much.

Kim

 

[Al]

Hi Kim. Welcome but sorry about your friend. JoelC, one of the moderators here might be the best one to answer your question. He'll probably be along soon.

AL.

 

[pamnandy]

He will be sooo glad to see you. Don't suprise him, though, make sure he knows what time to expect you. Then he'll probably be set up and ready for a chat. Better yet, ask him what the best time is to drop by. My guy used to take all morning getting up and ready, so we always told visitors 1:00 or after. Tell him how good it is to see you and that you're sorry he's got this shitty disease. That you're glad you're able to keep in contact with him, and how much it means to you. Take your yearbook along and reminisce. Believe me, you will be the brightest spot in his day. It's so good of you to want to go and visit him. I know so many others who wish someone like you would reach out like that. Blessings to you. It will be hard to see him like he is now, but his spirit is the same. I can't answer about the hugging part. Like Al said, JoelC is the best to answer that due to the trache. A kiss on the forehead won't hurt, though! Oh, and some bright flowers, even if he is a dude. Or a pic of you and him from back in the day.

Pam

 

[joelc]

Hi Kim. What a wonderful friend you are!

Yes, you can hug him but be gentle. Please remember that he is still the same person you knew, his mind is still in tacked. So try not to be nervous and just act as normal as possible. Communication can be a challenge but don't be afraid to say you don't understand and get him to repeat it. Don't pretend to understand if you don't. He will appreciate your honesty. If he uses a computer then communicating will not likely be a problem. Give him time to respond without interrupting. Relax and remain calm. It will not be as bad as you think and he will be appreciative of your visit. I don't know what more to say, if you have more questions please don't hesitate to ask and we will try to answer.
I wish I could be there with you for the first few minutes, but you will be fine. I

 

[BarryG]

Kim, thank you for wanting to visit with your old friend. One thing that I have tried to do since being diagnosed is connect with old friends that I have lost contact with so I am glad that you and your friend want to see each other.

Your friend may not be exactly the same person that you knew but then neither are you, we are all changed by life and our experiences. Like Joel said, his mind is still intact and just because he can't talk doesn't mean that he doesn't have things to say. Since you have been talking to him you know that he is still there inside and I'm sure that you will be able to talk to him easily once you get used to his voice and to giving him time to talk.

As far as the physical side is concerned remember that the sense of touch is largely unaffected so a hug (gentle as Joel said), a hand shake, a hand on the shoulder are all good, in short do whatever you would normally do remembering that he can't reciprocate.

The most important thing that you can bring him is your friendship. Relax and have a good time!

Barry

 

[k1mmar]

Thank you guys so much for the great advice. It's funny because he and I didn't even really talk in high school. We went to elementary school together and then pretty much went our seperate ways. But I knew he was reaching out to anyone that would listen and I just HAD to reach back.

I think I will bring a plant. And I will have to make sure he's out of bed and hooked up to the computer.

Thank you again.

 

[joelc]

Please let us know how it goes. If we can help in any way just ask.