-
Memoriam wall
- We've created a memoriam wall to remember our friends
- If you know someone that battled ALS, please add them here
God saw you getting tired,
- Thread starter barneyswife
- Start date
- Status
barneyswife
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2014
- Messages
- 224
- Reason
- CALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2013
- Country
- CA
- State
- b.c.
- City
- magna bay
Thank you everyone for your kind words and wishes.
My Barney is always with me and our boys. It has been... I actually have no words for how it has been!
We have a very large community hall, it was filled way past capacity and friends were lined up threes and fours on the long veranda. Much love and respect for our Barney.
I seem to be talking about someone else and am in major denial. I still tell him I love him, squeeze his pillow close to me and hold a t-shirt he had worn wrapped in a scarf that he loved to feel. I am going through all of the motions of loosing my Barney but my brain cannot except it.
Three months ago the owner of the feed company we buy from came out with another associate and my Barney took them on a tour of our farm,(Barney took great pride in showing the cow/calf pairs and all of the work we had done.) two days after he passed John showed up with five absolutely beautiful framed pictures of Barney. So hard to believe it all had happened so fast...so wonderful that John had done this for us!
Hugs to all,
Linda
My Barney is always with me and our boys. It has been... I actually have no words for how it has been!
We have a very large community hall, it was filled way past capacity and friends were lined up threes and fours on the long veranda. Much love and respect for our Barney.
I seem to be talking about someone else and am in major denial. I still tell him I love him, squeeze his pillow close to me and hold a t-shirt he had worn wrapped in a scarf that he loved to feel. I am going through all of the motions of loosing my Barney but my brain cannot except it.
Three months ago the owner of the feed company we buy from came out with another associate and my Barney took them on a tour of our farm,(Barney took great pride in showing the cow/calf pairs and all of the work we had done.) two days after he passed John showed up with five absolutely beautiful framed pictures of Barney. So hard to believe it all had happened so fast...so wonderful that John had done this for us!
Hugs to all,
Linda
MaxEidswick
Legendary member
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2013
- Messages
- 5,598
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2013
- Country
- US
- State
- Texas
- City
- Pinehurst
>I seem to be talking about someone else and am in major denial
Oh, Linda -- it proves you are human! I am sure you have heard of the stages of grief:
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.
3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
Oh, Linda -- it proves you are human! I am sure you have heard of the stages of grief:
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.
3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
MaxEidswick
Legendary member
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2013
- Messages
- 5,598
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2013
- Country
- US
- State
- Texas
- City
- Pinehurst
>Great information Max. Thanks so much for sharing.....
sometimes life sucks.
but there is tomorrow
.
http://youtu.be/9_dBep_55mI
sometimes life sucks.
but there is tomorrow
.
http://youtu.be/9_dBep_55mI
barneyswife
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2014
- Messages
- 224
- Reason
- CALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2013
- Country
- CA
- State
- b.c.
- City
- magna bay
Max, millions x millions, so very true!
Thank you dear friend.
The up side is I am going on a road trip with a girlfriend. Going to go see the kids and grandkids. We are going to watch running with the bulls and chuckwagon races and while this is all happening I will be loving my family. We are going for approx. one week.
I find that I need to show them that I am more than capable of living this new life. He laughed like crazy when I told him we had been moving the herds to guarantee good pasture and laughed even harder about my ditching attempts.(Creek was running over the bank, totally needs to be cleaned out).
Thinking of you all on all three sides, take care and know I am holding your hands!1
Hugs
Linda
Thank you dear friend.
The up side is I am going on a road trip with a girlfriend. Going to go see the kids and grandkids. We are going to watch running with the bulls and chuckwagon races and while this is all happening I will be loving my family. We are going for approx. one week.
I find that I need to show them that I am more than capable of living this new life. He laughed like crazy when I told him we had been moving the herds to guarantee good pasture and laughed even harder about my ditching attempts.(Creek was running over the bank, totally needs to be cleaned out).
Thinking of you all on all three sides, take care and know I am holding your hands!1
Hugs
Linda
affected
Guru status reached
- Joined
- Apr 26, 2013
- Messages
- 16,096
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 05/2013
- Country
- OZ
- State
- AU
- City
- lala land
Linda that is brilliant, going off to see your family.
Who is looking after the place for you?
I'm about to go away for 2 weeks and have house sitters coming here (they arrive today!)
I'm really excited to see how this house sitting works out because it is going to open up so much for me to be able to keep my little property and yet go away either for myself, or to start visiting my kids again like I once did (prior to being on acreage again).
One thing I've found Linda is that I now look at my bit of land 'like a girl'. I've made a lot of subtle and even some bigger changes to how things are done here because it's me on my own and I'm not doing it all the hard way at all.
Go gently and let yourself find what unfolds, take all the laughter into yourself, then share it back out with everyone you can. We grieve hard inside, but we can do this, just like we did all the rest.
Who is looking after the place for you?
I'm about to go away for 2 weeks and have house sitters coming here (they arrive today!)
I'm really excited to see how this house sitting works out because it is going to open up so much for me to be able to keep my little property and yet go away either for myself, or to start visiting my kids again like I once did (prior to being on acreage again).
One thing I've found Linda is that I now look at my bit of land 'like a girl'. I've made a lot of subtle and even some bigger changes to how things are done here because it's me on my own and I'm not doing it all the hard way at all.
Go gently and let yourself find what unfolds, take all the laughter into yourself, then share it back out with everyone you can. We grieve hard inside, but we can do this, just like we did all the rest.
nebrhahe53
Very helpful member
- Joined
- Jun 13, 2014
- Messages
- 1,017
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 06/2014
- Country
- US
- State
- Tx
- City
- Austin
Enjoy your vacations-I'll miss you here though...
Tx Daddy's Girl
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2013
- Messages
- 137
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Country
- US
- State
- Tx
- City
- Beaumont
So sorry for your loss Linda - the only words are it just sucks. We do t want them back with the disease but we want them back. I'm still having a very hard time with my dad loss that it hurts coming back to these forums. I too took a vacation and it did help, it was relaxing. I hope yours is as well.
patgayle
Active member
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2012
- Messages
- 60
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 05/2012
- Country
- JAM
- State
- Westmoreland
- City
- Negril
Your poems say it all, and do it beautifully. I feel for you and this loss and only can wish the best of everything for you. Time is what it takes to understand all this, wishing you peace.
barneyswife
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2014
- Messages
- 224
- Reason
- CALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2013
- Country
- CA
- State
- b.c.
- City
- magna bay
Good Morning,
Had a wonderful time with kids and grandkids. It was kind of bittersweet as dad and grandpa was not there and I know it was hard for all of us but this is the new us? Our grandaughter (6 years old) drew a beautiful picture of our farm for grandpa and was really sad because she did not know what to do with it....so our son told her to put it on the counter in front of grandpas' picture and that way he could always see it. (oh yeah many tears)
I am now in the midst of getting the cows and calves ready for sale. The trucks are coming on Tuesday and the will be sold on Aug. 14th, Barneys 64th birthday. Many family and friends to help with the process. I will be going to that auction and trying to stay strong.
Hugs
Linda
Had a wonderful time with kids and grandkids. It was kind of bittersweet as dad and grandpa was not there and I know it was hard for all of us but this is the new us? Our grandaughter (6 years old) drew a beautiful picture of our farm for grandpa and was really sad because she did not know what to do with it....so our son told her to put it on the counter in front of grandpas' picture and that way he could always see it. (oh yeah many tears)
I am now in the midst of getting the cows and calves ready for sale. The trucks are coming on Tuesday and the will be sold on Aug. 14th, Barneys 64th birthday. Many family and friends to help with the process. I will be going to that auction and trying to stay strong.
Hugs
Linda
MaxEidswick
Legendary member
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2013
- Messages
- 5,598
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2013
- Country
- US
- State
- Texas
- City
- Pinehurst
>Had a wonderful time with kids and grandkids.
welcome back!
>I am now in the midst of getting the cows and calves ready for sale.
wishing I was there (and able to get Sandy to help)
welcome back!
>I am now in the midst of getting the cows and calves ready for sale.
wishing I was there (and able to get Sandy to help
)barneyswife
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2014
- Messages
- 224
- Reason
- CALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2013
- Country
- CA
- State
- b.c.
- City
- magna bay
Wish you were here too Max, I am sure your Sandy would be a big help.
We have this huge family here that are all ready and willing to help me so we will make out just fine.
It will definitely be an emotional roller coaster this week, those cows and calves have been a work in progress here for forty years.
Of course the auction day would have been my Barneys' 64th birthday!
Have fun Tillie!
Hugs
Linda
We have this huge family here that are all ready and willing to help me so we will make out just fine.
It will definitely be an emotional roller coaster this week, those cows and calves have been a work in progress here for forty years.
Of course the auction day would have been my Barneys' 64th birthday!
Have fun Tillie!
Hugs
Linda
- Status
Similar threads
