Frustrated thinking so many wrong thoughts!

[SLAUGHTER1555]

today i tried to have the i need some me time talk with my husband and it didnt go well. I need to go back to work because we have so many bills! We barely make rent and car payment and thats it no money for food or anything else. He doesnt want a nurse aide to come he just wants me. We sit in this house all day long unless its the store smh I was involve in all my church activites and now i barely make it to church. Today was so frustrating he cried i cried then he yelled he wants to die! Ughhhh! We only been at this since May 2015 and he has deteriorated fast in some areas smh. Then to top it all of our intimate life has been killed smh that has been hard on me I try not to make it a big deal but hes like 20yrs older me 41 him 60 and before the disease he had kinda slowed down our intimate life. Hope this is not TMI but i have dreams i have sneaked and looked at porn then i feel so bad cuz that is a sin and then i find myself repenting smh but in my heart i kinda dont feel bad so thats not real repentance smh lord have mercy on me! I need a break i want to just get out and breathe but i feel so bad if i leave him. There is no one to come and sit he can not be left alone at all. SMH! I have even thought about cheating lord that is so terrible how can one think like that in such a bad time. I dont mean to but it just comes across my mind. There is no one to talk to about this part of the disease without someone judging. I know its not right but i cant ignore that it comes across my mind lord forgive me and have mercy! today i just wanted to leave! but i love him way too much for that. He is so afraid of being in this house even if he has an aide he said he 'd rather be dead then sit in this house all day. He use to be a very active person UC games and football games and just out and about. Now nothing and his speech and walking all taken aways smh! This has been a day! And lets not talk about the kids which are his adult kids everyone have there thing going on but they do try but they are not here so they really have no idea what we deal with. Then there is the life insurance thing smh lol what life insurance well not a lot of that and what there is has a reduction at age 65! Of course all this was before we got married from a previous marriage! guess what you cant change it either ha ha! and to buy more life insurance there is the underwriting that says you have to have it for 2yrs! well what if he doesnt last that long money wasted oh but wait a minute we have no money to even buy freaking life insurance! :shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::-x:-x:-x if this post had a yell button know that i am pushing it right now! this sucks so bad! and Im tired! sigh! ok thanks for listening but one thing i do know is God is in control and he sees and he knows and its all in his timing. Lord have mercy on me and forgive me and help me in Jesus name!

 

[Atsugi]

Slaughter, you're thinking the same thoughts that we all have to deal with. You're definitely not alone in that.

 

[cheerleader]

Slaughter, guess what? You are human! It is difficult to give up the " lovers" role and replace it with the "caretakers" role. Like Mike said, we've all had to deal with this. Somehow, you must find a way to have some " me" time to renew your spirit. No family? Close friends? How about your church family? Hang in there. You WILL survive this. Hugs. Donna

 

[cheerleader]

Nikki just posted a wonderful website that may help you- look under "compassionate fatigue webinar ". You will understand your own frustration after viewing it. Thanks, Nikki!

 

[scaredwifetx]

You are not alone. Just finished a conversation with my husband about his participating in some kind of life and how it is affecting me having to do everything for him and my life changing so much. I also have to work. We are still there and we come here for the understanding, and support we need to make it through another day. Everyone here understands and you are not judged. I have only been at this since June and I catch myself coming up with scenarios everyday Sometimes they are good and sometimes they are not. take a break and go do something for yourself. Refresh. You are stronger than you ever thought or think you are.

 

[Green Queen]

Oh Slaughter, your pain, anger and frustration is very real, don't apologise for that. I'm so glad you feel you can vent here, it does help to say things to people who not only hear you, but totally get it.
Please don't stress about our dear Lord. Faith is not only about attending church. My minister is well aware of my limitations and is very happy to see me when I do make it to church.
The Lord is carrying you through this, of that I'm sure.
It does sound like you need support as well as your husband. Donna and Scared have some good tips there.
Take care of you, and keep us updated on progress with everything.
God bless, Janelle x

 

[SLAUGHTER1555]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and encouragement reading this made me tear up but I try to keep it together most of the time for him. After venting on this morning I do feel better and sorry Nikki for posting this in the wrong portion I felt bad don't want to bring any hardships to PALS family. I will keep you posted as we adjust to this again thanks!

 

[Barbie]

aww honey I so understand how you feel. don't feel bad because many of us do. you are super stressed out and just needed to talk and this is a safe place for that.
I want to say that it will get better, and in some ways it may. sometimes pals just have to deal with the terrible hand they have been dealt and us cals bear the brunt of it. not fair and not nice but truth. I think despite his protests, you need to get out at least once a week for yourself. don't let the guilt stop you. he is afraid, yes and he loves you and wants you but if you break then where will he be. I suggest you just make the arrangements and don't talk about it in advance. then the day before tell him as calmly as you can what the plan is so he doesn't feel abandoned or alone. then no matter what--go thru with it! make it a regular thing.

also, I work and it is something that I would not want to stop. I have a lot of freedom in my job and am lucky for that, so if husband is sick or nurse calls in I can be home. but work makes me keep my sanity to tell the truth. plus we also needed the money LOL ! there are quite a few cals that work.

my husband also would not leave the house in the beginning--he was scared and ashamed and depressed. keep trying because I think that the pals that get out and participate in activities are much happier and fulfilled from what I have seen here3 on the forum. will he go to church with you? maybe you could talk to you minister or some of your groups you were active in about helping him over come his fears. maybe they could have the meeting at your house so he can participate. I never was active in a church, but if I was, I would lean on them as that is the point of a church family in my opinion, and I know that there are church going members here who have gotten a lot of support from their church.


Hang in there!