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mrstadpole

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Joined
Sep 12, 2007
Messages
26
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Loved one DX
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US
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California
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Cathderal City
Hi all,

It has been a couple of months since my last post or even a "hi, how you doin'?" and I apologize for that. Since my dad moved in 2 months ago there hasn't been much time for anything other than him... which I knew would be the case, so no problem there. The reason for my post today is that I am amazed at the fact that I was able to step up to the plate and handle the physical aspects of taking care of him.. like, the bathing and cleaning up after he uses the restroom. What is breaking me down is his negativity and what I am almost tempted to call verbal abuse. I don't know if I can take that much longer. He is so defiant and has no respect for the rules we have in our home or the simple fact that we are trying to help him. He breaks promises that he makes (like quitting smoking) and then tells me that he is dying anyway so what is the big deal? He won't bathe on a regular basis, leaves his trash everywhere he wants to and thinks it's no big deal. His feet are a horrible shade of purple and he will refuse to elevate them. I have gone to bed crying more nights than I care to admit because I am so frustrated. When we talk about things he gets extremely mad, yells at me (as best he can, since the disease has taken his speach) and will just drive off in that damn chair of his. Since he is my dad, it's harder for me to stand up to him and I often feel just like telling him off. Last night I was explaining that I was really upset that he lied to me and bought another pack of cigarettes... after he had been pretending that he hadn't smoked in 5 days and was singing his praises. He began to tell me that he is living his live for himself and no one else and I then had to remind him that isn't fair since he has his grandkids living in the same house as him and if there are things that he can prohibit them from seeing then he should do so.. like choking to death because his smoking is causing him great problems. He had the nerve to tell me "then I guess I shouldn't be here". With than comment, I couldn't help but ask myself what in the heck I've been working so hard for if he really doesn't care about living or dying. It's little comments like that or when he tells me to just wait until the money comes in from the county for taking care of him.. because that's the only way he can contribute to his family. Um, heeeellllooooo? He's not here for the check.. he's here because we love him and want to be with him. What part of that doesn't he get? He's been here for 2 months and I haven't received a red cent for taking care of him.. but I'm flat broke now.. he'll never know that, though.. he doesn't need to worry about me. I'm sorry to vent, guys.. but I know that you all are the only ones who truly get what is going on.. with him and with me. Does anyone have any suggestions about getting through to him or at least how I can deal with my frustrations? I am really beginning to think he isn't in the best place.. that maybe he does need to be in a home where people aren't partial.. where they aren't related to him.. and it really is just a job.. maybe I am too emotionally attached?!? :-?
 

Icanmanz

Senior member
Joined
Jul 14, 2007
Messages
947
Reason
PALS
Country
Uni
State
Texas
City
Tomball
Hi, mrstadpole! Didn't you post here a while back, and you were so exited because your dad decided to move in with you guys? It seems to me like I remember such post. All I can say is I feel for you, and your dad as well. I will keep you guys in my prayers, if you don't mind. It is soooo sad things turned this ugly. I would rather not opine. These kind of posts sadden me. It saddens me, because I know how helpless these Pals become. I know your dad would do anything in the world to make things easier for you. You see, these folks are dying, they have no future, they are doomed, they cannot help themselves. Maybe it would be best if you place him in a home. What we all want from these Pals are sweet memories. I know my son would ask me repeatedly if he was too much trouble, and I would say, "Never!" Good luck to you and, gosh there is another poster here having a hard time, but I cannot think of her name. Anyway, good luck to you ladies, God bless you both, and you guys are still heroes!

Irma
 

mrstadpole

Member
Joined
Sep 12, 2007
Messages
26
Reason
Loved one DX
Country
US
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California
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Cathderal City
Irma,
Yes, that was me several months ago.. so excited that my dad was moving in and I was going to be the one to help him. I love my dad very much and I understand that he is going through something I will never understand unless I, too, am ever diagnosed with disease.. but, if I have to understand that he is going through his own "stuff", shouldn't he have to understand that I am, too? Is this not a 2 way street? I am constantly on egg shells when it comes to his feelings because I have no clue what a day in his shoes is like... how do you think I can express myself to him on a level that he will understand?
 

MtPockets

Very helpful member
Joined
Jun 1, 2006
Messages
1,528
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
05/2006
Country
US
State
Ms
City
Gulfport
Hi Mrs. Tadpole, I'm sorry I did not see your earlier post.

My sisters and I went through a similar thing with my Dad who had Alzheimer's. We tried to keep him in the home for as long as possible thinking that was the best thing for us to do becasue we loved him. Boy were we wrong.

He was 86 years old and thought he was a stud muffin, if you know what I mean. Every time we turned around he would take off all his clothes and do things in front of people. I won't go into details, but they were very ugly. He did not appreciate anything anyone did for him, and kept saying everyone was stealing his money. He had no money except for Social Security and a small pension that barely paid his meds.

It got to the point he would have violent spells and you never knew when they were coming. For the safety of the rest of the family, including 16 grandchildren, we had to put him in an assisted living center.

I was called to the assisted living center all hours of the night to try to calm him down after he had attacked someone or had called a cab to leave. One day he jumped across the table during dinner and tried to cram his cane down the throat of another man. He had to be sedated.

I would walk into his room and he would have no idea who I was. He would tell other men in the home he had lots of money in a bank downtown of they could just smuggle him out to get it. Some of his plans were funny, most were just very sad, but at least he was in the care of professionals who had the means and ability to watch him 24 hours a day and medicate him as needed.

From my own experience of what little you have told me here, you need to consider your first responsibility is to yourself, your husband and children first. Think about how this will affect all their lives. Second hand smoke is not good for the kids. Much less the arguing and all the other things that are going on in the house.

You need peace in your home. That is what a home is for, a place for you and your family to be at peace and safety. I believe in taking care of out mothers and dads, but not at the sacrifice of hurting my children or my spouse. You cannot imagine the relief we all felt after dad was placed in the assisted living center. We had been having petty arguments about almost any little thing that came up. The atmosphere just totally changed after he was in the assisted living center.

I feel love and compassion for the many caregivers on here who go through all kinds of problems every day with their ALS/PLS/MND friends and relatives. I think it is great what you are doing for your family. In the best of situations it's a case of one family member or friend living with the sick person. Then only that one person has to go through all the trials and tribulations.

My personal opinion is I would try to get him into an assisted living center as soon as possible. You can visit him there and share meals and times of fellowship and spare your children, husband, and yourself all this grief.

It took my dad 4 years before he died. I hate to think of the hell he would have put us through during that amount of time if we had not made the move when we did.

I encourage you to pray about this decision and discuss it openly with you husband and children to get their input. You might be surprised at some of the things they bring up that you have not thought about.

I'll be praying for you and your family. I support you and pray for your family in any decision you make.

God Bless
Capt AL
 

Gina

Distinguished member
Joined
Nov 1, 2007
Messages
219
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
04/2004
Country
CA
State
ONTARIO
City
CAMBRIDGE
Hello Mrstadpole,I have been watching and reading your posts but almost afraid to answer b/c feel so inadequate to advise you.All i can say is abuse is abuse!Your father seems like such an angry man and rightly so ...this damn disease is so horrible!Its o.k. to be angry thats to be expected but it seems as though he is derecting that anger soley at you and that is not o.k.! You are doing such a wonderfull loving act of kindness by caring for him but it sounds like at great cost to you and your familly!Sounds to me like the price is just way too high!My husband too was very angry in the beginning and i actually got up early one morning left him a note and some breakfast and just took off in my car.I didnt tell him when i was coming back!I wanted him to have time to think about what it would be like to be alone with this damn disease and that yes it was a 2 way street and if he wanted me to be thier he would have to learn to appreciate me more!Dont worry he wasnt really alone i had my daughter in law who lived a couple doors down check on him....im not that cruel!She would usually drop by everyday anyway so he did not know that i was still looking after him !Anyway to make a long story short.....he did get time to think and i think it worked!I dont know if this has helped im just trying to get accross the point that you deserve to be appreciated as well because as a cartaker myself i know that you are also in a lot of pain watching him suffer and being treated poorly only adds to the heartache and anguish and Guilt! Please do something to help yourself as well as your day...........prayer your way!....gina
 

Gina

Distinguished member
Joined
Nov 1, 2007
Messages
219
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
04/2004
Country
CA
State
ONTARIO
City
CAMBRIDGE
O.K. Before anyone jumps on my head i didnt mention how long i left my husband alone!It was only from 8 in the morning till 8 at night although in the letter i left for him i did not tell him when i would be back so it left him wondering how long i would be gone.When i did leave it was in the early stages and he could still do most things by himself but refused to with the attitude that it was just my duty as a wife to do everything for him with little or no appreciation b/c he had worked all his life and now i didnt have to and could enjoy the benefits of his pension so he figured it was just my job.I raised three children and worked part time so that i could attend to my children as well ! Apparantely at that time he did not see that as contributing to the familly.He has since had a change of heart....thank God for that!.....GINA
 

CindyM

Moderator emeritus
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Learn about ALS
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Gina- removing yourself from the situation is a great way to set limits on his behavior. We know you did not do it for very long.

Mrs Tadpole- I wonder if the ALS clinic or your local elder affairs agency or somebody has a social worker who can help Dad understand that yes, he is naturally angry about losing his independance and his very life but he has to find a better outlet for that anger. Please keep in touch and let us know how this works out! Cindy
 

robinswife

New member
Joined
Oct 5, 2007
Messages
7
Reason
CALS
Country
CA
State
B.C
City
Surrey
Hi mrstadpole
My husband is the same as your dad he was negative about everything wasn't happy with anything any body tried to do for him and he turned all his friends away the only person he wanted around was me and then he bagan to be very verbally abusive.about 6 months of this when we went to see the dr. I mentioned this and the dr put him on antidepression on a very low does about three months later the dr uped the dose but it was to much he only would sleep so he is on 75mg It makes a big improvement in his mood he still gets angry but it not so abusive .He also smokes and refuses to quit he says I'm dying any way so I think you will have a hard time to get him to quit . good luck I know how hard it is when some one you care about is being so mean with words but when I'm feeling overwhelmed I have to remind myself its the als thats making him act like this and I find my happy place for a few minutes and I can handle him much better
God bless you, be strong
Judy





QUOTE=mrstadpole;34956]Hi all,

It has been a couple of months since my last post or even a "hi, how you doin'?" and I apologize for that. Since my dad moved in 2 months ago there hasn't been much time for anything other than him... which I knew would be the case, so no problem there. The reason for my post today is that I am amazed at the fact that I was able to step up to the plate and handle the physical aspects of taking care of him.. like, the bathing and cleaning up after he uses the restroom. What is breaking me down is his negativity and what I am almost tempted to call verbal abuse. I don't know if I can take that much longer. He is so defiant and has no respect for the rules we have in our home or the simple fact that we are trying to help him. He breaks promises that he makes (like quitting smoking) and then tells me that he is dying anyway so what is the big deal? He won't bathe on a regular basis, leaves his trash everywhere he wants to and thinks it's no big deal. His feet are a horrible shade of purple and he will refuse to elevate them. I have gone to bed crying more nights than I care to admit because I am so frustrated. When we talk about things he gets extremely mad, yells at me (as best he can, since the disease has taken his speach) and will just drive off in that damn chair of his. Since he is my dad, it's harder for me to stand up to him and I often feel just like telling him off. Last night I was explaining that I was really upset that he lied to me and bought another pack of cigarettes... after he had been pretending that he hadn't smoked in 5 days and was singing his praises. He began to tell me that he is living his live for himself and no one else and I then had to remind him that isn't fair since he has his grandkids living in the same house as him and if there are things that he can prohibit them from seeing then he should do so.. like choking to death because his smoking is causing him great problems. He had the nerve to tell me "then I guess I shouldn't be here". With than comment, I couldn't help but ask myself what in the heck I've been working so hard for if he really doesn't care about living or dying. It's little comments like that or when he tells me to just wait until the money comes in from the county for taking care of him.. because that's the only way he can contribute to his family. Um, heeeellllooooo? He's not here for the check.. he's here because we love him and want to be with him. What part of that doesn't he get? He's been here for 2 months and I haven't received a red cent for taking care of him.. but I'm flat broke now.. he'll never know that, though.. he doesn't need to worry about me. I'm sorry to vent, guys.. but I know that you all are the only ones who truly get what is going on.. with him and with me. Does anyone have any suggestions about getting through to him or at least how I can deal with my frustrations? I am really beginning to think he isn't in the best place.. that maybe he does need to be in a home where people aren't partial.. where they aren't related to him.. and it really is just a job.. maybe I am too emotionally attached?!? :-?[/QUOTE]
 

CindyM

Moderator emeritus
Joined
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Messages
3,543
Reason
Learn about ALS
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State
New England
City
Anytown
I think the antidepressants are a good idea. We often forget how depression sometimes shows up as anger.

And getting some help in once and awhile so you can take a break is a good idea too. That goes for every CAL! If you don’t take care of yourself, you won't be much good for anyone else, right? :)
 
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