from uk-build

Status
Not open for further replies.

mannco74

Active member
Joined
May 7, 2003
Messages
78
This was posted by wayne of uk-build. it is what many of us feel;(This is also me)

today i read in a thread about being positive a word that stuck out like a slap on the face.

guilt

every day i feel guilty of how my wifes life has been changed.

guilt: she has no life of her own

guilt: she has had to mother another baby after years of mothering 4 children already and what a good job she did there.

guilt: for not being able to provide for her anymore.

guilt: when i wake her up because i need someThing.

guilt: i married the woman not a nurse.

guilt: because if she goes out she worries.

guilt: for the past misery i have caused her.

guilt: for wanting to survive and prolonging her worries.

guilt: when i see her cry in secret.

guilt: for the cutting remarks i make.

guilt: when i promised her the world and not on her shoulders.

i could go on all day but i'm feeling guilty wasting your time
 

PALS Mike

Distinguished member
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
138
Can i get an amen! brutha's n sistah's!

guilt is the hardest part of this little adventure (in life) we're on.

thx chris
 

Al

Moderator emeritus
Joined
May 25, 2004
Messages
7,960
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
10/2003
Country
CA
State
On
City
NW of Toronto
Some of the things i have been thinking but hadn't said out loud.
 

Elaine

Active member
Joined
Oct 6, 2004
Messages
74
Hi guys, i Haven't posted for awHile but i've been reading your posts.
wHen i saw tHis one i just Had to say sometHing.
guilt? i don't feel guilty.i've done notHing to feel guilty about. i didn't ask for tHis terribly disease.we will never know in our life time wHy us. but guilt !i no way.
i feel anger tHat tHere is notHing out tHere to Help all of us witH tHis disease.
saddness.. tHat i will not be tHere to grow old witH my Husband and to be tHere for my cHildren.
very sad, tHat my Husband will Have to look after my every needs and watcH me slowly lose all of my functions.
fear of tHe unknown, we don't know wHen we will lose any of our functions
one day to tHe next, to live witH tHis every day is tHe Hardest part of tHis disease.
most of all tHis als disease is tHe most degrading of tHem all.
so you see guys i don't feel not one ounce of guilt maybe it's a man tHing.
i Have done notHing to feel guilty about, we are just very unlucky and we will never know wHy..lol stay strong, elaine
 

me

Distinguished member
Joined
Apr 26, 2004
Messages
216
Chris - thanks for sharing your heart! as a spouse, i feel guilt that i can't be stronger and that sometimes he sees my "secret tears" and mostly that sometimes i get angry when i'm tired & worn out when i know it's not his fault.

elaine, you're right, none of us should feel guilty. this is not something either a pal or a cal asked for and we're all human with human emotions that sometimes get away from us.

i say, we stop feeling guilty for what happens to each other and just bask in the love each day so we don't have to feel guilty someday that we didn't enjoy every day as fully as we could have! melissa
 

TBear

Distinguished member
Joined
Nov 4, 2003
Messages
430
Country
CA
State
ON
City
Uxpatch
... i haven't seen this much guilt since last sunday at mass! i know that this site isn't populated by 100% catholics so i can only assume that you've all met my grandmother who was a master at making me feel guilty!

t.
 

Al

Moderator emeritus
Joined
May 25, 2004
Messages
7,960
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
10/2003
Country
CA
State
On
City
NW of Toronto
i had an uncle that lived in uxpatch a long time ago. maybe i did meet your grandmother tbear. as i said in my post: i have thought about those things but i had never said them out loud. i let lee read that and she was shocked that i would feel guilty. she thinks along the lines of elaine.
 

Theresa2004

Distinguished member
Joined
Apr 14, 2004
Messages
292
No oNe should feel guilty, you didN't ask for this, however i caN uNderstaNd the reasoNiNg behiNd it. the emotioNal side of beiNg a burdeN, or thiNkiNg you are oNe.
there are toNs of emotioNs which attach themselves to this, the list is Never eNdiNg. it isN't wroNg Nor uNNatural to feel oNes others may Not agree with. they are there churNiNg up iNside, all muttled aNd taNgled.
beeN watchiNg the News today as it uNfolds iN rome. a maN who has lived a great life, a loNg oNe. oNe caN uNderstaNd it is his time. what coNfuses the hell out of me is why does god strike dowN the good iN the prime of their lives, settiNg lives iN turmoil beyoNd reasoNiNg.
t-bear, i am catholic, believe some of it, Not all of it, haveN't beeN atteNdiNg mass as i should be. weNt to good friday services because i really felt i Needed to, it helped me appreciate more the sufferiNg the pope has goNe through as gods represeNtative, but it hasN't put iNto place the horror of this disease aNd how it rips peoples lives apart. i caN't come to terms with the justificatioN iN all of this. i caN't recoNcile why he opeNed the door aNd there staNdiNg iN froNt of me was a woNderful maN i could oNly coNjure up iN my imagiNatioN, theN before we eveN have a chaNce at some years of happiNess together oN our owN, he takes it away from both of us, aNd sets him oN a devestatiNg aNd horrific shorteNed life.
 

Timshelper

Distinguished member
Joined
Nov 11, 2003
Messages
154
The defintion The dictonary says:
guilt The fact of being resposible for The commission of an offense.
2 a) a renmorseful awareness of having done someThing wrong
2b)self reproach for supposid inadequacey or a wrong doing.
3 guily to conduct sin.
guilt The fear of getting caught. The fear of being foundout. /The fear of revealing The hasty little streaks That makes us tick.
try to transform: The lack of self cofidence, igorance and mental "paralysis" wiTh purification, forgiving oneself, love and compassion for oneself equanimity openess and reality into action, fearlessness and self confidence.
i only have one question is This you and is This The guilt you feel becasue This is what true guilt is. als does not fall under The category of guilt because no one has done anyThing wrong. There are no sins involved no worries about getting caught becasue for whatever reason This is gods doing and he would never put you in The position of feeling guilty. your cals know That why dont you?
kim
als about loving someone
 

Elaine

Active member
Joined
Oct 6, 2004
Messages
74
i did say i think maybe it's a man thing to feel guilty,the women seem to side with me. but some men agree with me.
my husband does.
so come on guys no more guilt "when life throws you lemons grab the tequila". enjoy , enjoy and stay strong, lol elaine
 

me

Distinguished member
Joined
Apr 26, 2004
Messages
216
Kim - thanks for the definition of guilt. when you put it that way....guilt is definitely not the right word! i'll keep that in mind next time.

tbear, your grandmother must be related to my mother! -me-
 

Carol Deboer

Distinguished member
Joined
May 7, 2003
Messages
343
Hi everyone,

well, well, well, i leave tHe forum for a couple of weeks and you all become Holier tHan tHou, bible reading nuns and priests. wow.... i tHougHt i was tHe only one witH tHe name sista in front of my name.! i always tHougHt tHey were all paying me a compliment, but now i know different. Ha. sista carol Has no guilt. no regrets. no feelings of sHoulda, coulda. tHink of all of tHe life altering tHings tHat are out of our control. we all Have moments in time and in our lives tHat guilt comes into our emotions, but, wHen you look back now i bet your feelings Have cHanged somewHat. just do tHe best you can, in any given situation. tHat is all tHat god asks of us. i Hope everyone is getting ready for summer. i cannot wait to get outside in tHe gardens and up to tHe trailer to veg for awHile. it will be so different now witHout Henry, but, He would want me to get on witH it. anyway guys, Have a great weekend. will talk to you all soon.

stay strong

carol xoxo
 

PALS Mike

Distinguished member
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
138
Logically speaking, we shouldn't feel guilt.

but...

traditionally throughout time, men have been the hunters and providers for their families.
we've been given a 'death sentence' and have done nothing wrong to deserve it.
we're losing(lost) our physical abilities to 'provide' and now we have to play the role of 'observer'...
the feeling of guilt is an emotional response for our inability to 'provide' for our loved ones (the way we once could).

guilt isn't logical, but it is a normal/common feeling and few will admit to feeling it.
 

Carol Deboer

Distinguished member
Joined
May 7, 2003
Messages
343
Yeah mike,

i hear you loud and clear. however, do not ever feel that you do not help provide for your family. you are now providing in a different way, but a way that is so important to all. you do not need to feel guilt, you have done nothing wrong to feel that way. als does not discriminate, no diesease does. you need to know how talented you are with words, and your website is awesome. you have such a edge on helping others, you are a powerful force in this war. never forget that. you are a good support system to your family now. they need to know that you are still in control and still give meaning to major decisions concerning all aspects of living. you still need to make the grocery list ! i know that henry felt awful not being able to provide for us, but through it all, he gave us things that nobody in the world could ever do. for that i am so grateful. he gave us courage, paitence, wisdom, and loads and loads of love. i agree, things will never be the same, but, sometimes things do get better, if you look for the blessings. that is hard too, but they are there. i know. well, have a great night all. talk to you all soon..

love to all,

stay strong, carol
 

Theresa2004

Distinguished member
Joined
Apr 14, 2004
Messages
292
That was beautiful carol and so very true. i'll elaborate more in a minute.
mike and chris who initiated this topic, logic and emotion rarely go hand in hand, especially under difficult circumstances. admitting the feelings is a huge step. maybe once you admit them, you will feel less of a burden.
elaine and all the others have made an excellent point. this is the way it is, don't waste time on it. love those around you and if they love you deeply enough, their only true regret is not having the time to grow old and watching a loved one cope with everything ahead. you provide many valuable contributions to them as carol said, and i recall her mentioning the debates and talks she would have with henry..carol, i bet you will never forget a word of them. just love them and tell them any way you can every day you do, recognize all That they do for you is because they care. don't fight them out of guilt, allow them in but be honest with them. they are not mind readers. That is the best gift you can ever give them.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top