FORUM FOLLIES: House/Twilight Zone

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Legendary member
Sep 27, 2006
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition. Rod Serling

Although he walked with a very exaggerated limp and had an eye (just one) for the ladies, little did anyone on staff know what he held within that cane. His eye for the ladies was a ruse. His other eye was always seeking opportune moments to use his experimental formula.

Tonight would be special...He had a twitcher...

As he approaches Dr. (Cutty) Rose about his need for approval of the procedure he is about to attempt, He is interrupted as he passes the ER. It is filled with what can only be called a "twitching fifth dimension!" He swears to himself that he saw something move as he rounded the corner and pulled the curtain.

Dr. Chase (Barry) asks, "Need something? Or are you here to join the ranks mate?"
Was it real or imagined? This is a question that commonly haunted Pat, a person now in continual distress regarding everything encountered. Pat could not distinguish reality from a dream but new something was amiss.

"If I could only get in to see Dr. House!" Pat thought, "He could get to the bottom of things for me (or maybe even the top)!

Pat's problems had come on suddenly last week. First came the sensation of pins and needles, then the numbness in the "nether regions" followed by uncontrolable twitching that caused the entire body to undulate. The most troublesome symptom, though, was an almost continual flatulence of a substance never before expelled. Strangely, it had an odor that was almost pleasing to the olfactory senses. With every expulsion, however, came an orangeish hue that brought about clouded vision for a period just long enough for Pat to see into the 5th dimension (which, of course, was a new phenomena to Pat).

In this new (or imagined) reality brought about by the orangeish hue, brought about by the almost continual flatulence, Pat could see things in an alternate reality and there could be seen Dr. House. House was fiddling with his cane. Pat thought the tune, "Blue Bells Of Scotland" could be heard eminating from it. Why was house fiddling with his cane?

The answer came about in the 3rd stanza as the tune began to wildly race into a series of hemidemisemiquavers. The cane began to elongate and open at the end to expose something Pat wasn't sure was real or imagined.

(writers note: Pat's gender has not been revealed - for good reason yet to be disclosed.)
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Damn! I've been waiting to work the word hemidemisemiquavers into the Follies from the beginning, and you beat me to it. Now I'll have to start over.
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I could have said, "The tune began to wildly race into a series of 64th notes..." but it just seemed more poetic the other way. If you insist, I'll tone down my literary prowess. I would like to add the flatulence is usually preferred over fart, farts and farting.

PZ (hmph)
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Dr. Chase (Barry) asks, "Need something? Or are you here to join the ranks mate?"

"When you and Dr. Cameron (CJ) are finished swabbing each other for seminal fluids, please "join" , no , "come" , no , dammmit we have a twitcher"
Double dog damn! I built a WHOLE EPISODE around the word humph, and some wobbly toy beat me to it again. Now I'll have to start all over.

Pshaw! Piffle, I say. PIFFLE!
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Under leg noises

A fart is a happy thing.

Especially for those of you that are infected with the EL (Emotional Lability) .

When you say the word "flatulence" it conjures up images of what ?
a parent or grandparent about to smack you for being rude at the dinner table (or so I have read)
The thought that grampa crapped his pants while sleeping again ?
That dreaded trip to the old age home ?

Now , when you say the word "fart" do you start giggling ?
do you fart while you giggle ? Would they be happy farts ?
There is the fart contest , who can get who ?
How many wives have seen a "Dutch Oven" !
Did you get caught with your mouth open ?
How funny would Duck Flatulence be ?

Obviously , you can see that two different words for the same action can have opposite impact on you.


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"Luuk, I'm too busy to go off on one of your gisses," says Chase/Barry. "What do you really want?"

"I'm telling you the fifth dimension has opened up and the twitching is beyond control. You are going to help me stop this madness!"

Cameron replies, "And why should we?"

"Because it's a virus! It's spreading! This makes the H1N1 look like a stubbed pig's toe!"

They all look at each other knowingly, wondering why there is no world-wide registry for twitching...

"But I've got a hunch. It's something in my Bones (sorry wrong show) - I mean my cane!"
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"Well, we had better call in the CDC, FBI, CIA, RCMP, MI6, KGB, and every other acronym agency we can think of because this is serious" says Doctor Chase "It could be a plot of Osama Bin Shoppin and we can use all the help we can get"

"Don't be so clueless, if we're going to call anyone it should the Ghost Busters but we don't have time" Dr. House interrupts "The Fifth Dimension waits for no man, now let's get to work"

All of the intrepid medical crew make their way through the funny, fruity, fragrant, fermenting, fantastic, floating flatulence (I do love adjectives) toward Patrick/Patricia, the transgendered twitcher (or is that switcher? I am so confused).

"Relax sir/madam, we are here to help" coos Dr. Cutty in her most soothing voice. "We just need to take some small samples" she says as Dr. House pulls a 4 liter syringe out of his cane.....
Its Pat looks at House and gets glossy eyed "Are you the Key-Master?" which comes out in both a feminine and masculine voice and the hips start to twitch.

House looks at Cuddy and says "Halloween is starting early this year - lets just see whats inside" and starts looking for a vein to drain.

Cuddy asks "When was the last time you drew blood ?" "Cameron , get some blood samples"

"Its funny , I had a weird vico-dream that I was a vet , getting a blood sample from a hell-hound " says House "and it asked me the same thing - coincidence? " looking at Cuddy

Pat starts hyper twitching - almost as if he/she was panting.
Osama Bin Shoppin Heels are optional!

LOL Barry! That visual cracks me up!

Now back to our regularly scheduled program...
House come here, quick and check out the colour of this blood i just got.

My god replied house after he made it without a twitch its orange with a tinge of green.

Send it away for a complete rundown, checking especially for LPT's, OTS's, GNS's and FARTS's.

What on earth are those checks House, replied Cameron i havent heard of them.

well they are for

Lower Leg Tremmors
Overall Twitches and Shakes
Giant nodding syndrome

and the one i suspect Pat has
Fifth and Rapid Transgression Syndrome

that would explain the orange blood but the green well we will wait and see.
Dr Cutty's, inappropriately high stiletto heels click furiously as she strides over to take a closer look at the vial. She lets out her (signature) sigh of exasperation, grabs House by the shirt front and draws him close. She murmurs between clinched teeth, in a voice so low only he can hear it.... pssswssshhh psssswshssss [NOTE to reader, this is not code language, remember, only HOUSE can hear her!]

House laughs his sardonic laugh, and turns to his team: Start Pat on an IV, 8 parts saline, two parts this: He withdraws a small cylinder from his lab coat pocket. Then he whipped a FT out of the other pocket. Cameron's eyes grew large as saucers. Is that what I think it is, she gasped. House smirked. Yes, it is a Flatulence Trap. It is on loan from the geriatric ward. The newer improved Fart Trap would be preferable, but the hospital's board of directors, once again, has denied me the funding necessary to do research with anything other than the most rudimentary equipment.

edit add:

Note to the forum "boys" It seems Nurse Rose's avatar got LOST. Sorry about that.

Note to the forum ladies, got my hair cut about 6" yesterday, what do you think? I'm already regretting it.
It looks great! But then again, I think you would look great with your head shaved!
(it's still long enough to pull back & up; but I'm sure will be easier with washing & drying!)
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