Forum Follies Break the Wind

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GlenBrittle

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Can you Break the Wind ?

Do you have to clench to prevent embarrassment ?

Are you constantly blaming your pets ?

Do your giggles make people run ?

Do friends and loved ones chase you with a lighter ?

Do you have to sleep apart from your loved ones ?



If you said YES to any of these questions, or you are already giggling , then you need help !

FARTERS ANONYMOUS


We teach you how to avoid embarrassing scenes.
We teach you to have manners, warning innocent bystanders.
Its easier if you make a game out of it.

These sessions are for both the gaseous and their targets.

Gaseous Sessions:
Learn that its proper go to a washroom to "Break the Wind"
Learn how to pantomime the comedians. Waving your hands behind you , yell "DO NOT GO IN THERE"
Learn that animals have to close to that methane cloud, and animals always do SBD's. If you announce, you own it.
Learn how to determine if you are offensive.
- friends show up with gas masks.
- comments like "Im not going if that person goes" and "DUDE YOU REAK"
- the food court at the mall empties

Revenge Sessions:
Sometimes, you need to teach those methane monsters a lesson
Learn how to embarrass them in public
- learn how to hug while stuffing toilet paper under the waistband
- learn the foods that will help you fight back
- learn how drop and dash - so that your target takes the blame
- learn how to drop one in an office just before a meeting
- change a persons email sound to a fart at work - and send emails
Learn self defense
- dutch oven tactics
- when the violater is sleeping with a mouth open - drop one at minimum proximity

Testimonials from graduates
- THIS SHIT WORKS
- Thanks to FA my husband is so courteous after I made him puke

Call for Sessions today 1-800-NOFARTS
 

rose

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Glenn,

That was probably the best commercial break the Follies have ever been sponsor to! BRAVO
 

Zaphoon

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Confederate army major P. Z. Kennedy mounted his trusty steed, Smokey, and headed towards Kansas with his saddlebag packed with classified papers. The papers were taken from the big safe in the home of Colonel Sanders while he was away, dining on chicken.

As he rode into Kansas, the major had to dodge burning fields of hemp. Twenty minutes of this "dodging" activity had made him light-headed, hungry, and longing for the companionship of sweet Sue.

PZ had been commissioned by a union commander to find the Sanders papers, steal them and sneak them into Kansas. These papers were believed to contain secrets that could greatly swing the war in favor of the north. Everyone knew the southern Colonel, along with having an infatuation with fried chicken, was also up to something mysterious.

He could stand it no longer! PZ simply had to stop soon and grab a bite to eat from the lunch he had packed prior to leaving Twelve Tokes. He stopped at a refreshing stream that was a good distance from the burning hemp fields and set Smokey free to drink his fill and graze. The good major took a cool cucumber/tomato sandwich from his pack and enjoyed a refreshing bite, wishing he had some fried chicken instead.

The papers! Just what sordid secrets did these papers contain that may give an edge to the north? No one had told him he was not to read these papers, once in his possession. It was just too much to resist! Major Kennedy removed the papers from his saddlebag and began to peruse their contents. He simply could not believe his eyes!

(insert another commercial break...)

Do you have to clench to prevent embarrassment ?

Are you constantly blaming your pets ?

Do your giggles make people run ?

Do friends and loved ones chase you with a lighter ?

Do you have to sleep apart from your loved ones ?
 
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peter57

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Charlie, meanwhile was cruising with his gun import business, so much so that he decided to leave it in the very capable hands of his second in charge, a young man called Emmitt Dalton with his secretary Laura Bullion to keep an eye on things for him.

He hadn’t heard from his partner Paisley for some time but that wasn’t an issue as he had made some contacts in the army himself and what trades he made with them, well he didn’t have to know about.

He did, however think about his sister from time to time as he heard a while ago that she had fled Atlanta with Beau and headed into the hills to escape the war. He was sure that she would be fine as in their short time together at Twitcher he had taught her how to survive in the bush from his experience in the outback.
Like how to make a shelter from bark, how to light a fire by rubbing two sticks together and what plants were good to eat and what ones were not. Yes he thought Melly will be just fine.

Now I need to diversify my business interest as the war isn’t going to last forever.
He had heard of a fledgling company that had just completed a transcontinental telegraph line earlier that year and as he was keen to speed up communications with Australia, to increase the arms imports. So he bought into that company as a silent partner.

Now Prissy continued to spy for the Yankees in Atlanta but as they were approaching fast she was given new orders to head back down south. They had heard whispers that a new major, a P.Z. Kennedy was moving around and her contacts in the north were keen to see what he was up to.
 

peter57

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Back at Twitcher it was still deserted, well that’s what it looked like from the front of the house. A few people had called in over the past few weeks and seeing the gardens in a mess, dogs and a stray cat roaming around and the front door open and when they entered the house, dust and dirt every where, they left.

Had they taken more notice, however of the dogs and cat they would have realised that they were well fed.
This was Wilton’s doing, for he didn’t leave Twitcher like all thought, instead he and the house boy had just moved to the backblocks of the estate to sit out the war and to grow his crops of “that grass”

Every day however one of them came up to check on the animals, feed them and to see if any one had called in by looking at the sand they had placed on the drive, that any body calling in had to cross.

In the early days the pair of them toiled hard and long, getting their crops in and watering them from the creek, then one day a stranger walked over the hill towards them. He was the house boy from the next door estate and they had heard on the “bush telegraph” about something going on at Twitcher and was sent over to have a bo peep.

To cut a long story short, a deal was struck between Wilton and the head honcho of the help there re suppling labour and a way to get the product out for a share of the profits.

Life was good for all and while they worked they sang songs like.
Turkey In the Straw and
One they made up and called Ten Hours for that is all the time they did at the farm before resting for the day (in later years it was renamed Eight Hours as the push for shorter working hours became prevalent in the land)
 

rose

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Oddly enough, an air of peace hung over Twitcha, and its neighboring plantation, Twelve Tokes. One day seemed pretty much like the next. Cannon fire could be heard in the distance, but it had almost become a sound backdrop, similar to insects buzzing at night, or a rainstorm afar off.

Things could have gone on that way indefinitely; Wilton and the houseboy would not have minded.

But, things can't stay the same.

The necessity of change was what ran through Rhett's mind, and Mel's mind too, as the days unfolded during their self imposed exile from Clayton.

Army Major, PZ, after sneaking a peek at the secret documents, understood all too well that change was upon them all...
 

BarryG

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Frett, finally out of his funk and getting over trauma of having to shoot his horse when it went lame and left him stranded in a most inconvenient place with too much bourbon and too little transport, decided to return to Twitcha.

He had drank away his bourbon burden so was now much enlightened. "Time to find out what had happened to Starlett and Melancholy Ann and to make some money" he thought as he loaded the horse that he had borrowed from his sister.

As he made his way along the road toward Twitcha he spied a mounted soldier headed his way. The soldier, who he recognized as PZ Kennedy, did not see him because he was reading as he rode, a very dangerous practice. And not only was he reading but he was eating too! Not since he had observed Starlett applying makeup while driving her buggy had Frett seen such a dangerous disregard for traffic safety. Overcoming his urge to upbraid Major Kennedy for his inattention, Frett decided that it would be better to slip out of sight and then trail the soldier to see if he could steal the official looking documents. And "damn, that sandwich looks good" thought Frett as he recalled that all of his intake had been liquid for as long as he could remember.

He quietly slipped into the woods...
 

luvnmm

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I didn't see a commercial break and it's been DAYS since there was another post to the story...

By the way Glen, I laughed my butt off at your commercial break - I loved it! I giggled loudly through the entire thing, and didn't break wind once...FA must be working!
 

abbas child

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Melly and baby Beau had found themselves out of the war and in Kansas. She'd been befriended by a woman on a train going west... a woman named Laura Bullion. Laura had plenty of cash and thought if she attached herself to the very bedraggled yet refined spoken Georgian lady, she could make it back to the gang without the law looking unduly in her direction.

Melly was uncertain of Laura. She remembered Frett's friend in Atlanta, and Laura was more than a tad like her. Which made it likely this Laura also had a heart of gold. "Laura, deah, may I ask if there's a way to telegraph Atlanta from your home? Internet? Why, mah Deah, I've not heard of that. How about a telegraph office? I need to send a message to Paisley, my husband?"

Laura quietly pulled a bottle from her skirt pocket, offered it to Melly, shrugged her shoulders and said, "Well, we'll find out about that telegraph when we get to Emmitt's. I mostly just use my cell phone. Oh, never mind. Your baby's cryin. I don't think Emmitt and the boys will want the kid. You might change their minds though." And Laura pulled her hat down, slumped into the seat and began to snore almost immediately.

Melly began to have second thoughts. She was still a Georgia belle, small b. This woman was spooky.
 
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peter57

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Well Frett made it back to Twitcher in one piece and on seeing the state of the place, went straight to the cupboard under the stairs to see if by any chance there was a bottle or two of bourbon left, he needed a drink. Yes none of his stash had been discovered, so he took a bottle, headed upstairs and promptly drunk ½ a bottle and fell asleep.

It was Wilton’s turn to feed the animals and to check the sand trap. As he approached the house he saw the horse tied up at the front. This is not good he thought as he snuck into the house to see who was here. On entering the house he heard snoring coming from upstairs. Quietly going up, he wondered who it could be. On reaching the bedroom he saw Frett, lying fully clothed on the bed, bourbon bottle in the crock of his arm.

He decided there and then that he wasn’t going to leave Twitcher, knowing how much bourbon was secreted around the place, so why not make him comfortable here in the house and he then would be a good deterrent to others.

Grinning to himself he went back downstairs and grabbed a tin of bully beef out of the cupboard and placed it on the table, knowing that when he woke up he would be hungry. Also, on a plate he placed 4 “special” cookies that he had. They were going to be for the dogs, to keep them calm but missing out one day wont hurt them.

He headed back outside to feed the dogs and then back to the far to bake some more cookies.

Frett, on waking up went downstairs to find some food. On entering the kitchen he saw the bully beef and cookies on the table. Eating the biscuits while getting the beef from the tin, he didn’t put one and one together and wonder why fresh biscuits were here, just that they were so nice.
Soon, he didn’t have a care in the world and grabbing another bottle went and sat on the veranda, not thinking at all of Starlett or anybody, just happy to be here.

Charlie, meanwhile had shut down the gun import business as the Yankees had introduced armoured ships to the shipping lanes and they were taking a heavy toll on the ships. The people who he had ft in charge were well compensated and had left to pursue the high life with their moneys.

Charlie had started to make his way back to Twitcher, having heard from several of his contacts that Wilton had not left and had indeed set up a thriving business at the estate. He was keen to see if he could be a part of it.
 
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BarryG

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Starlett, having heard that Frett was back at Twitcha decided that she should head back and reclaim what was left of her home and property. With Charlie dead, Paisley nowhere to be found and both Major PZ and Melly off to Kansas she longed for some companionship, even if it was Frett.

She dressed in her best and most revealing outfit, eager to make a good impression. She got inter her buggy and made her way out onto the road to her plantation to find out how Wilton had been taking care of the place. She soon realized that with all of the soldiers that she was passing on the way that her wardrobe choice might not have been the best one.

As she was trying to avoid all of the prying eyes, eyes that were desperately hoping for a "wardrobe malfunction" she noticed a very familiar, if dirty and dejected, face. "Paisley Silkes, ma deah, is that you?" she asked a soldier limping along beside her buggy.

"Oh Starlett, it is so good to see so much of you" moaned Paisley "War is such hell and I can't wait to see my Melancholy Ann and my son who must surely have been born by now"

"Well fiddlle-de-dee, Melly's gone to Kansas with your boy" pouted Starlett "I heard that she went to visit somebody named Dorothy who has been acting mighty weird since being caught up in a twister, but enough of that, climb up into my buggy and we'll go to Twitcha together and you can recuperate."

"Now I just have to figure out how to get rid of that Frett" Starlett thought to herself as Paisley sat down beside her.
 
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peter57

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Back at Twitcher Frett was at piece with the world. Every morning when he woke from his drunken stupor, he found some more of “those” cookies on the table.

Wilton was beginning to get snowed under with all the work with the crops, what with planting, growing, harvesting, drying, packaging, transportation and selling of it. Not wanting to involve the houseboy much more than he already was, he considered if he could wean Frett off the grog and cookies, if he would be an asset to the business.

Just then a horseman rode over the hill towards him. With the sun in his eyes he couldn’t make out the rider but the way he rode looked familiar.

No its not thought Wilton, he is dead, it cannot be Charlie. As the stranger pulled up and dismounted he said, howdy Wilton what’s up. Why it is you Charlie, you are reported to be dead. Well Wilton it’s a long story but I am not. Lets keep this to ourselves for a while shall we. Now I hear that you have a pretty good business going on here, I am at a loose end at the moment, perhaps we can work together, I have contacts left over from the gun business if they would be a help.

Lets sit down and talk a while, said Wilton, I am sure we can work something out, thinking Charlie was going to be a much better option than Frett.

In the end Charlie ended up being in charge of transportation and sales. With his contacts and wagons from the gun running, business was going to double in one month.

As he was leaving to set up a distribution centre in Kansas he gave Wilton a strange box. If you want to contact me, just open it up and extend the aerial, then on the key tap out my name, oh now I go by the name of Ned so it is easier for you. There is a card in it with what all the letters mean but to send Ned you type in dash dot, dot, dash dot dot. You will soon get the hang of it.

What do you call this thing replied Wilton. Well, replied Charlie, it is only new and the company I have a stake in wants me to come up with a name for it, what do you think of Wireless Internet as one day we will have a network of these wireless devices all over the place.

As Ned aka Charlie rode away, Wilton sat pondering the day. Unbeknown to him the day was going to get more complicated as just then Paisley and Starlett turned into the drive way of Twitcher.
 

abbas child

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Laura prodded Melly with her boot, saying "Get up. We're at Fort Mann, or what used to be called that. Not much here right now", she sighed. Business wasn't booming with that war going on. "Can you get the kid to shut up? Aint' gonna make Emmitt happy arriving like this with a baby."

Melly wondered how she'd gotten here, a place of trails and ghost town buildings. She was a lifetime away from Twelve Tokes and the old life.

Laura gave her a waspish look and pronounced her disgust. "Honey, you'd better look more sure of yourself and put on a smile. You'll need it."

"Where is the telegraph office, Laura? Remember I need to send Paisley a message." Laura nodded her chin toward the south, picked up her satchel and left Melly to gather Beau and to find that office.

In the office, she saw many boxes and machines behind the counter, but when she asked to telegraph, the clerk nodded and took her message, leaving her to go and find accommodations for the time being. My, she hoped Paisley would get her message, she thought distractedly.

Not knowing where to go, she returned to the office and asked where she and Beau could rent a room and dine. The clerk just grinned at her.

"Lady, you got two choices. Cowpoke Saloon or Mesquite Saloon. Across the street down there", he pointed. Melly didn't care for his smile... or the choices... but gently thanked him, and began walking...
 

peter57

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Paisley and Starlett arrived at the front entrance to Twitcher, only to stare at what had happened to their home. Just look at it cried Starlett it’s a mess, and who is that drunkard lying on the porch.
Leave it to me replied Paisley, getting off and approaching the drunkard. Bending over him for, what seemed a minute he suddenly called out, why its Frett, come here and give me a hand to get him inside and tidied up.

Starlett was shocked to see him in this state. True she wanted to get rid of him but not this way as she got the stove going to boil some water to give him a much needed bath.

While the water was boiling they started to clean up the kitchen of all the rubbish and dust, and noticing one cookie on the only clean plate, Starlett took a chance and nibbled it. Why she thought it is one of “those” cookies that the army have. I wonder how it got here.

Wilton had witnessed all this, having snuck in the back door when he saw the buggy in the drive. Things are getting complicated he thought as he left, undetected. I had better contact Charlie, ops Ned and see what to do now.

At Kansas, Melly had a room at the Cowpoke Saloon, while waiting for a reply from Paisley. It was just a room, with only a double bed, which she shared with Beau, a single chair, a wash stand and a small round table. She had her meals in the kitchen after doing the dishes, which paid for her room and meals. It was a far cry from Twitcher.

Ned, that’s what he wanted to be called now had a room at the Mesquite Saloon, well it wasn’t just a room it was more like a house, 2 bedrooms, lounge, study etc. He was so busy during the day setting up his distribution centre and network, that at night all he could do was have his evening meal in his room and go to bed exhausted.

One day however he finished work early and decided to have a drink or two at the bar before retiring. Sipping on his whisky he scanned the room, only to see much to his surprise, Laura paying poker at a table with a bunch of men, who couldn’t keep their eyes off her, in her low cut dress.

Smiling to himself, he knew that she would be winning with the other players distracted, he headed over, stood behind her and said. Madam, can I buy you a drink at the bar. I think these gentlemen need a rest from you for five minutes.

Laura, turned around and not knowing the man, although he did look familiar, said, why of course you can. I am finished for the night.

At the bar, after they had their drinks, how did he know her favourite she thought. He said you don’t know who I am do you? No she replied but I am curious. Well I am Charlie, but don’t call me that call me Ned now.

Why it is you she replied, giving him a huge smile. You are supposed to be dead, just what are you doing here.

It’s a long story, why don’t we grab a table and we will have a chat about what we both have been up to these past few months.
 

peter57

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Well the time slipped by and the war still went on.

Frett, recovered from his drunkard state and in early 1862 he joined up and was almost immediately captured by the Yanks at the battle of Fort Henry in February of that year.
He was convinced by Ulysses S. Grant to turn traitor on the South and was released 7 days later. He continued to report back to the Yankees until his commanding officer, a General Braxton Bragg became suspicious of him and he was one of the estimated 7,400 casualties at the battle of Perryville in October of 1862. No one questioned the fact that he was shot 3 times in the back though.

Back at Twitcher, with Frett gone, Starlett was free to work on Paisley and it wasn’t too long until they were for all intensive purposes a couple, with Starlett convincing him that Melly, if she was indeed still alive, would have made it back to Twitcher by now.
In January of 1863, Starlett gave birth to a Boy and called it Harold, after Paisleys father.

Wilton, having contacted Ned by that wireless thing, it will never catch on he thought, saw Paisley and offered him a 30 % cut in the “grass” business. Paisley snapped it up. If he had held on he could have gotten 40%, but he never knew that, nor did he ever find out who Wilton used as his distributor in Atlanta.

With their share of the money, Paisley and Starlett got Twitcher back to its glory days before the war.

Laura, after meeting with Ned, took up his offer of keeping the books for his distribution centre for the “grass”. They also bought into a biscuit factory, making hard tack for the war. It was easy to pay the workers there a weeks wages every week, on top of their normal wage, for a 4 hour run on the machines to make those “special” cookies, every one was a winner, especially the workers who got to take home any broken cookies.

After the meeting with Laura, Ned found Melly, washing dishes, and having convinced her who he really was, moved her in to the Mesquite with him, putting her in the other bedroom with Beau. She wouldn’t have to work again he promised her.

On one of his frequent calls to Wilton, Wilton told him about Starlett’s pending birth and that Paisley was the father. He kept this to himself for a long time and it was only after Harold was born did he tell Melly.

Melly was upset with Paisley but with Beau growing up and she, taking an interest in her brothers business, she slowly forgot about Paisley.

In July 1864, with William T Sherman advancing on Atlanta, Ned and Melly left the city and headed to the coast. On arriving there they heard that Hood was defeated and Sherman had taken over Atlanta. It was time to leave America as Sherman continued to advance.

Laura, having headed Ned’s words also headed away and met up with some outlaws and joined their gang, having lost all her money playing poker with some shady characters.

On reaching Fort McAllister, he was able to buy passage for the 3 of them on a ship heading to Australia.

On arriving in Melbourne early in 1865 he managed to purchase 50 acres of land just outside Melbourne centre in a place called South Yarra. He built a lovely mansion for the 3 of them, overlooking the Yarra river and the rolling hills of the hinterland. He invested most of his savings in the fledgling stock market and did very well, with such companies as Australian Paper Manufactures, construction companies and of course any company that had dealings with Western Union in America.


This left Wilton to run the business from Twitcher, which he did well, having a network of people doing the delivery’s for him and wiring Neds % every month to Australia.

When the war ended in 1865, Twitcher had expanded, having purchased Twelve Tokes.
Paisley and Starlett had a baby girl, calling it Mavis and living like lords on their cut of the grass money.

The demand for Grass had levelled off and Wilton was planning to retire, leaving the operation in the hands of the house boy.

Ned continued to play the stock market and became an advisor to the Victorian Government on communications and homeland security.
With the government realising that they were vulnerable to attack by others, especially the Russians, Ned convinced them to order an ironclad ship for protection. In 1871 the monitor HMVS Cerberus arrived.

He also worked closely with a Captain Jones who served in the war in America. He had given Tasmania its first Telegraph service and Ned was keen to tie it in to his Western Union Company which was going from strength to strength.

Melly became a lady and was courted by all the men in town, some even married. She declined all their advances, instead heading up a women’s rights movement with Henrietta Dugdale, and eventually the right for women to vote. This involved many trips interstate, especially to South Australia, where the right for women to vote and stand for Parliament in 1894 came into force.

She enjoyed the trips to Adelaide, especially visiting the Zoological Gardens, recently opened, which had some animals from America in it, like chipmunks, squirrels, Prairie Dogs, bears and mountain lions. They reminded her of home.

Beau went to Melbourne Grammar and then the University of Melbourne, where he studied law. After his education he went and worked with Alfred Deakin, and together, along with others they drafted up the basis for the Constitution of Australia, which came in to effect on January 1st 1901



Live was peaceful in the late 1800’s.
 
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