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Sammantha

Senior member
Joined
Aug 11, 2007
Messages
501
Country
Uni
State
NC
City
Newport
Well i thought it would never happen, but i am officially depressed.. All i want to do is cry, cry, cry....... The dissappointment i see in my husband, childrens, and family members eyes all the time, the constant health issues and lack of help, and this overwhelming feeling that i am missing someone or something... It is very strange, i feel like i want to go home, and home meaning heaven. That my true love is there and i can enjoy the beauty of the trees and flowers and run, run, run and never get tired or out of breathe. But i am stuck here watching everything i have get taken away, the constant barrage of bill collectors and now that they found a thymoma i still am on a possible ten month long waiting list to go back to UNC. So i get to have scary breathing issues, weakness and all the other stuff, ALONE. No help, no guidance, to top it off i have to find a job that will probably fire me when i get the call to finally go see the neuro again..... Its just one failure after another.... sam
 
hi sammantha.
i am so sorry to read how badly your feeling and things are not going well.
its good to have a good cry sometimes,gets it all off your chest so to speak and you feel a bit better afterwards.
we all go through these bad times when nothing seems to go right,but we have to go on and not give up. keep hoping things will work out in the long run.
if we did not keep hoping alot of us probably would not be here today.
is there something you love you can focus on?
i have daisy my 8mth kitten,she has made making the effort to get up and face the world each day more bearable.
have you tried claiming disability?
you should try,trying to get a job with your health problems and not letting on to any new employer will be impossible to do.
you are in my thoughts:)
 
Sammantha,
I don't know if anything at all I could say will help. I want you to know I wish I could help. I am the CALS here with my husband the PALS. But I am waiting to hear if I get social security disability for me for not being able to work anymore.

I have several physical reasons like severe Carpal Tunnel in both arms, and Sciatica, and popping joints, but another main reason is PTSD and depression. I have had way too much stress what with my ex-husbands's abuses, the fact that my grown kids are calling me a liar and not letting me see the grandchildren (16 of them) and that Rick has ALS and also suffered the near loss of a leg in a homemade cannon explosion. ( not our cannon,)

How about that, Sammantha. There is always someone, worse off than ourselves. I do try to count my blessings, and I do have them. I have the wonderful love of my new husband and a few pennies to rub together, and a home and car that is paid for. We can hardly get around without pain or weakness at 60 and 61, but we are functioning somehow and doing the best we can.

I know Heaven will be grand, but I don't want to rush there yet. It's the getting there that I wouldn't like. Somehow I hope you can keep on going and somehow improve your help and benefits. You must talk to the right people who can help you apply and tell you how to begin. Please let us all know how you are doing. God bless you.
 
Sam,
You're such a dear person. Any disappointment you are reading into the eyes of your loved ones, if its there at all, is being misinterpreted I'm completely sure.

You hang in there, it is going to get better for you. I know you may think its easy for me to say, and another for it to happen for you, you've just got to trust that this is true.

There's time enough to think about heaven after you've seen your grandchildren grow up, and as your boys are no where near old enough to even think seriously about girls, this is a long ways off.

I wish I could do something to get you into to the doctor sooner, if you have this thymoma it needs to be looked into, and removed sooner, rather than months from now. If you have MG, even if you're weak now, you WILL get better.

Try to get out and get some sunshine. If there is someone you can talk to locally, please do it, even if you don't want to. ( ( h u g s ) )
 
Hi Sammantha,

...like Marjorie said I am not sure that anything I can say will help even in the slightest, but what I found is that even just others acknowledging your pain helps. I know depression, I know financial burden, I know how it is to be in a family dealing with this awful disease. I hear your pain and know its hard, the hardest thing in the whole world. Please please please do not take the looks in your family members' eyes for those of disappointment. How could they be disappointed? ...my father was diagnosed with ALS almost a year ago and when I see his struggles and I hear of his sadness the look on my face may be hard to interpret but I'll tell you right now its one of a very deep sadness, a feeling of inequity...as family members we feel helpless! We want to save you, and fix it, and find a cure, and tell you its okay because we know it is. Those looks are not ones of disappointment but of love. Its not easy to figure out how to act or how to feel when faced with a tragedy such as this.

Who am I to give advice at 22 years old, but if I can offer anything its try to enjoy the small things. The sunshine ray coming through the window, the word "love" spoken by someone dear, kisses from your dog/cat, the taste of chocolate, a good story, a black and white photo of the "good old days," the smell of flowers in the spring time, laughing, a good song, and fresh air.

The philosophy of being happy when you aren't is easy to write down in words, but I understand that achieving it is much harder. Please know you are not alone and there is a grand plan. God, or whoever is up there, has a plan for us all I believe. He/she doesn't throw anything our way he/she doesn't think we can handle. Be strong for yourself, for your family, and for all of us! Never give up Sam, never.

In this moment, I pray for you...and send you positivity all the way from California ------> do you feel it?! =)
 
Sam ... there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your doctors have discovered what is probably the cause of the disturbing symptoms you've been dealing with. When they remove your thymoma your condition will probably correct itself on its own. Even if you have to wait the whole ten months (that's a b****!), your cure is at the other end of it.

Is there anybody close at hand that you can really talk to? Your husband, a pastor, a counselor, a good friend, family members? In any case, you're not alone ... we are all here for you and love you and are concerned about your health and your peace of mind.
 
Sam-
Please talk to someone close to home-a neighbor, sister, preacher, friend, someone.

And in the meantime...

Yes, we are here for you, so feel free to rant, ask, cry, laugh, do all of it at once if you want. As my mom used to tell me "this too shall pass". I know it's tough, but you must never give up! Heck, I've had one of the most depressing days of my life today, but the sun is still shining, my head is held high, and why? because I want to keep spreading the news about ALS, yes, it's news to a lot of people, believe me!

I understand the feeling about family, we have days that anything my hubby says to me, I just start crying and crying. And we laugh a lot too. No one ever told us it would be easy, just that it would be worth it.

Some of the nurses I work with love to say "finish strong", and that's what I intend to do! I'm praying for you right this very minute that you find peace today-God be with you, talk to us,
hugs from KY,
brenda
 
Sam,

.... just checking on you. How Brenda said that "no one ever told us it would be easy, just that it would be worth it" echo's my sentiments exactly.

I used to tell my kids that we need the hard times, the bad unhappy ones, so we can recognize the easy happy good ones when they come along. ~ person who lives year long in Hawaii is just naturally not going to appreciate a nice warm sunny spring day as much as a native of northern Idaho or Montana does.

Make sure you post again soon, no matter your frame of mind. Your friends want to know how you are.
 
I was so depressed, constantly sick and up all night - then i met liquid prozac which fixeo all 3 things. Oh add wine ;[0
 
Sam~

I am thinking and praying for you! I know how hard it is when you have a family and feel as though you are letting them down, but you are NOT! You have to rember that this is NOT your fault! As beth said, they may have fond the answer for health issue and that alone is worth celebrating! There may be a light at the end of your tunnel...and it is not heaven, not yet.
It is hard, I Find myself feeling guilty as well on some days. It is normal to feel the way you feel and you should let it out and have a good cry and then let it go......

~april
 
much thanks

I want to thank EVERYONE for their advice and responses...... I dont have anyone to talk to this about, so in one sense i am glad i can let it on here, but i know its not fair to worry others.... I do feel that because i let out my pain that is why i am a little better today. I am not crying at all, just indifferent...... I dont feel like i am missing home or heaven. I hope that this is an upturn for me, it just so crazy all these mood swings. It so crazy i never felt that way, i used to look at nature and be greatful for it, then i started to look at it and it made me cry because i was missing a place, i was homesick.... Like this life here is not my home, my home is somewherelse. My belief in heaven is very strong but i also believe that if one takes there own life they are doomed to repeat until they get through it and learn the lesson and i dont want to do this all over again, thats for sure. I would NEVER do anything that would hurt my children. So i get to this really sad place of hopelessness. There is no answer,, no solution, no way to solve a problem. Thank you all for pulling me out of it.

I wanted to answer some questions: I could probably get regular disability but by the time it goes through i will have lost my vehicle and possibley my house. My disability through my company hired there own doctors to find fault with all my doctors and shot down my request. I need to make money now just so i can go back to the doctors to get an accurate diagnosis, without diagnosis it makes it that much harder to get help.
 
Sammantha

Just remember that you are not alone. My brother Tim has ALS. I don't just hink of him, but all that has it and what they are going through and what they have lost. Do your best to stay strong and as healthy as possible. If you don't have ALS. Be greatful and Thank God! I agree with (hisfirstdaughter) I don't know here name. WE feel so helpless. We cannot fix them. It makes you feel like you are dying inside.

When my brother was in the hospital all last summer. I had a nurse tell me a story about a man that had a wife in the same ICU for months that had an MND. She died. The man told the Nurse one day. You can have all the material things in the world. But when you have a problem or illness that money can't fix. Then you are in the worst place in your life. He is absolutely right.

I hope things get better for you. All of us here are bearing the emotional and physical burdens. Pray!

Lorie
 
Hi Lorie, My name is Chelsea :) I am sorry to hear about your brother.
Stay strong, just wanted to say HI.

Chelsea
 
Chelsea

Thank you. I would be one of the first in line, if what I've been through drove somebody crazy. But you have to find the strength to keep going.

Thanks for Caring!

Lorie
 
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