Feeling hopeless/helpless/useless
- Thread starter whimsy_1971
- Start date
- Status
checkmat2
Active member
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Messages
- 36
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Diagnosis
- 05/2008
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Royal Oaks
thank you
Wow lots of good stuff to think about, thank you.
Christina
Wow lots of good stuff to think about, thank you.
Christina
Christina, I promise you aren't alone. My husband was a pool contractor, we already sold all our dirt bikes to help stay afloat, we had 10 of them, including 2 brand new hondas we bought in december-
If your husband has paid federal income tax, he should be eligible for SSDI, no? My husband paid federal and state taxes, he didn't pay into the California state disability tax, since that is voluntary, but he did pay federal social security. He only gets 676 a month, but that is better than nothing.
Can you sell your house and still buy something smaller? Or could you put a trailer or a modular home on your property and rent out the main house to cover the mortgage? Also, did you buy life insurance for your husband? If you did, you may have an accelerated benefit rider. We were able to get 1/2 of my husbands life insurance up front, which we will use to help remodel whatever we buy to make it accessable to him. He also bought himself a jeep, (we are selling his work truck to cover that cost, but in the meantime it is a fun little toy he can haul around in) - Can you sell your husbands business? we were able to sell some of my husbands business, it was enough to completely get us out of debt, so we have no car payments, credit card debt or any of that, thank goodness.
It is hard to lose that stuff, I know. It is hard on the kids too. My son was really sad when the last dirt bike sold, but what else can we do? I know it is hard on them, they are used to a pretty lavish life style, and the gravy train has come to a grinding halt. But, there are lots of fun things to do that are cheap, days at the park, picnics, beaches, lakes, etc... that are all wheelchair friendly too! Kids are pretty adaptable, and at this point it is about survival. You need the money to provide the basics for your family, a roof and food... kids are resiliant.
I know it is alot Christina, but something will work out. Really think about the modular home deal, or trailer on your property. It just may work, if your property is zoned for 2 dwellings? I am wishing you the best, and know that you aren't alone... there are families all over this country dealing with it, and going thru it just like us. The other thing I always remember is that even if I won the lottery tomorrow, the only thing that would be different is our home... I mean, it can't buy our husbands health back, and it is just money, at the end of the day, what does it really matter? I know that when you are broke, as we all are, that is easier said than done, but money comes and goes, our time with our spouses is short now... we have to try to enjoy what we have while it is here....one day at a time
Andrea - wife of Pals Jim
Coach's Wife
Member
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2008
- Messages
- 21
- Country
- US
- State
- Ohio
- City
- A small village
Advance on Life Insurance
I cannot emphasize enough about looking into your life insurance policy and getting the (up to) 50% advance. Most companies have this ("small print") clause but they will require documentation of a life-threatening/terminal disease. Using the money to pay off our house loan and do some remodeling was a "piece of sanity" for all of us.
Louie
Former CALS for husband, Jeff (Grumpy Old Coach): 7-5-2007
I cannot emphasize enough about looking into your life insurance policy and getting the (up to) 50% advance. Most companies have this ("small print") clause but they will require documentation of a life-threatening/terminal disease. Using the money to pay off our house loan and do some remodeling was a "piece of sanity" for all of us.
Louie
Former CALS for husband, Jeff (Grumpy Old Coach): 7-5-2007
checkmat2
Active member
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Messages
- 36
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Diagnosis
- 05/2008
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Royal Oaks
Life Insurance
Hi Louie,
We have primerica for our life insurance, have had it for years. But our rep. said it has to be a letter from the doctor saying he only has so long to live in order to get some of our life insurance.....money to pay off cars would be nice or pay the house down and refiance would be even better. Help....do you think I should push the issue more with my rep.
Christina
Hi Louie,
We have primerica for our life insurance, have had it for years. But our rep. said it has to be a letter from the doctor saying he only has so long to live in order to get some of our life insurance.....money to pay off cars would be nice or pay the house down and refiance would be even better. Help....do you think I should push the issue more with my rep.
Christina
checkmat2
Active member
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Messages
- 36
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Diagnosis
- 05/2008
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Royal Oaks
Hi Christy
I feel like the world has came to an end and I don't know how to make things better.......I wish I could go back to Oct. last year and make things different.
Christina
I feel like the world has came to an end and I don't know how to make things better.......I wish I could go back to Oct. last year and make things different.
Christina
sharonca
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Nov 27, 2007
- Messages
- 428
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 12/2007
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Mentone
On the accelerated benefit on the life insurance. I got my letter from my GP last week and faxed it to my agent (State Farm Whole Life). I'm hoping it works - it states possibilty of less than a a year to live. If so I get 75% of my policy amount. I had to really work on getting the letter - explaining what I planned to use the money for and that without ability to modify my house, pay for things health ins won't pay for - my life expectancy would be less.
Sharonca
Sharonca
whimsy_1971
Active member
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2008
- Messages
- 78
- Country
- US
- State
- Illinois
- City
- Noble
Christina
one thing I have learned in this short time is to try and take one day at a time and only look one day forward, not next week or next month. That becomes overwhelming. But to be honest taking one day at a time is hard too.
Its to bad we are all so fare apart. Its to bad w/ cant have our own state to all live with our Pals and be there for one another to get all of us through this, but for now I guess this will just have to do.
one thing I have learned in this short time is to try and take one day at a time and only look one day forward, not next week or next month. That becomes overwhelming. But to be honest taking one day at a time is hard too.
Its to bad we are all so fare apart. Its to bad w/ cant have our own state to all live with our Pals and be there for one another to get all of us through this, but for now I guess this will just have to do.
andyvaughn
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2008
- Messages
- 144
- Reason
- CALS
- Country
- US
- State
- ca
- City
- thousand oaks
Life Insurance
Christina
I got a letter from our doctor that said what she had done in testing, what Jim's current disabilities are, and that " due to the devastating nature of ALS life expectancy can be 1 year or less." She never said in the letter that it would be 1 year or less. My husband was diagnosed 2/20, his symptoms began Jan 08, and we got the 1/2 life insurance up front in about 5 days after faxing in the forms, no problem. I didn't have much life insurance on my husband, we had bought a fairly small policy because when we bought it he was a 48 year old smoker, now he is 51, life insurance in that age bracket, esp when smoking is expensive. But, I am so glad we bought it. I think you should be able to get the money, no problem. Our insurance didn't bat an eye.. I did also submit Jim's history and physical, along with a description of ALS from the ALSA web site. I hope you can get the money and it helps you guys!
Christy, it would be nice to have our own little CALS/PALS city. Where no one would be made fun of because of their voice, or ignored due to their disability, and all the caregivers could take turns getting massages ... ahhhhhhhhhhh, to dream....but for now, I too am happy you guys are here...
Andrea - wife of Pals Jim
Christina
I got a letter from our doctor that said what she had done in testing, what Jim's current disabilities are, and that " due to the devastating nature of ALS life expectancy can be 1 year or less." She never said in the letter that it would be 1 year or less. My husband was diagnosed 2/20, his symptoms began Jan 08, and we got the 1/2 life insurance up front in about 5 days after faxing in the forms, no problem. I didn't have much life insurance on my husband, we had bought a fairly small policy because when we bought it he was a 48 year old smoker, now he is 51, life insurance in that age bracket, esp when smoking is expensive. But, I am so glad we bought it. I think you should be able to get the money, no problem. Our insurance didn't bat an eye.. I did also submit Jim's history and physical, along with a description of ALS from the ALSA web site. I hope you can get the money and it helps you guys!
Christy, it would be nice to have our own little CALS/PALS city. Where no one would be made fun of because of their voice, or ignored due to their disability, and all the caregivers could take turns getting massages ... ahhhhhhhhhhh, to dream....but for now, I too am happy you guys are here...
Andrea - wife of Pals Jim
checkmat2
Active member
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Messages
- 36
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Diagnosis
- 05/2008
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Royal Oaks
Life insurance
Yes, that is what my state as well....I email my husband's doctor at UCSF and ask her for her oppinion on the matter, I am hoping she will have some kind of insight for me.
Christina
Thanks for the help.
Yes, that is what my state as well....I email my husband's doctor at UCSF and ask her for her oppinion on the matter, I am hoping she will have some kind of insight for me.
Christina
Thanks for the help.
checkmat2
Active member
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Messages
- 36
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Diagnosis
- 05/2008
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Royal Oaks
Once again thank you
I email my husband doctor out at UCSF....and we will see where is goes from there.
Thank you
Christina
QUOTE=andyvaughn;44379]Christina
I got a letter from our doctor that said what she had done in testing, what Jim's current disabilities are, and that " due to the devastating nature of ALS life expectancy can be 1 year or less." She never said in the letter that it would be 1 year or less. My husband was diagnosed 2/20, his symptoms began Jan 08, and we got the 1/2 life insurance up front in about 5 days after faxing in the forms, no problem. I didn't have much life insurance on my husband, we had bought a fairly small policy because when we bought it he was a 48 year old smoker, now he is 51, life insurance in that age bracket, esp when smoking is expensive. But, I am so glad we bought it. I think you should be able to get the money, no problem. Our insurance didn't bat an eye.. I did also submit Jim's history and physical, along with a description of ALS from the ALSA web site. I hope you can get the money and it helps you guys!
Christy, it would be nice to have our own little CALS/PALS city. Where no one would be made fun of because of their voice, or ignored due to their disability, and all the caregivers could take turns getting massages ... ahhhhhhhhhhh, to dream....but for now, I too am happy you guys are here...
Andrea - wife of Pals Jim[/QUOTE]
I email my husband doctor out at UCSF....and we will see where is goes from there.
Thank you
Christina
QUOTE=andyvaughn;44379]Christina
I got a letter from our doctor that said what she had done in testing, what Jim's current disabilities are, and that " due to the devastating nature of ALS life expectancy can be 1 year or less." She never said in the letter that it would be 1 year or less. My husband was diagnosed 2/20, his symptoms began Jan 08, and we got the 1/2 life insurance up front in about 5 days after faxing in the forms, no problem. I didn't have much life insurance on my husband, we had bought a fairly small policy because when we bought it he was a 48 year old smoker, now he is 51, life insurance in that age bracket, esp when smoking is expensive. But, I am so glad we bought it. I think you should be able to get the money, no problem. Our insurance didn't bat an eye.. I did also submit Jim's history and physical, along with a description of ALS from the ALSA web site. I hope you can get the money and it helps you guys!
Christy, it would be nice to have our own little CALS/PALS city. Where no one would be made fun of because of their voice, or ignored due to their disability, and all the caregivers could take turns getting massages ... ahhhhhhhhhhh, to dream....but for now, I too am happy you guys are here...
Andrea - wife of Pals Jim[/QUOTE]
checkmat2
Active member
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Messages
- 36
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Diagnosis
- 05/2008
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Royal Oaks
You are right
Hi Christy,
It would be very nice to be together, then I wouldn't have his family members talking behing my back at the fact I am overwhelmed and tried and besides right now, I hate the world......I just found out tonight from a family friend that his family is talking behind my back and think that I can't take care of him. Okay people lets trade places and then come talk to me. They all come over in and out all the time.....no one lends a hand with house work or yard or do they ever offers to cook a meal......no I shouldn't be upset, no not me. I doing the work of two parents, along with a 3200sq foot house, 6 acres.....and trying to get all of our finances together just in case. Living trust and such.
Christina
Hi Christy,
It would be very nice to be together, then I wouldn't have his family members talking behing my back at the fact I am overwhelmed and tried and besides right now, I hate the world......I just found out tonight from a family friend that his family is talking behind my back and think that I can't take care of him. Okay people lets trade places and then come talk to me. They all come over in and out all the time.....no one lends a hand with house work or yard or do they ever offers to cook a meal......no I shouldn't be upset, no not me. I doing the work of two parents, along with a 3200sq foot house, 6 acres.....and trying to get all of our finances together just in case. Living trust and such.
Christina
CindyM
Moderator emeritus
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2006
- Messages
- 3,556
- Reason
- Learn about ALS
- Country
- US
- State
- New England
- City
- Anytown
Christine- if I had a steady stream of visitors I'd put them all to work. :-D I'd start out small, like having them prepare the PAL's meal or bring some milk and bread on theier way over. But before long they'd be doing his laundry or taking the kids for the afternoon. Any that were still willing to hang out after that, I'd hand them some cleaning or gardening gloves! :-D
Better yet, I'd start by asking the very next visitor to stop and get some take-out to feed everybody. You might want to keep these guys around. Someday you will need to teach a couple of them how to clean a vent or feed via a tube. Maybe you should ask hubby who he wants to do some of this.
Better yet, I'd start by asking the very next visitor to stop and get some take-out to feed everybody. You might want to keep these guys around. Someday you will need to teach a couple of them how to clean a vent or feed via a tube. Maybe you should ask hubby who he wants to do some of this.
Coach's Wife
Member
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2008
- Messages
- 21
- Country
- US
- State
- Ohio
- City
- A small village
Advacement on Life Insurance
Checkmat2 - Absolutely, I think you should follow up with your insurance company...you may want to even skip your agent because s/he may not even have any experience with this type of request. If you feel the need to supply your insurance company with reasons then all the reasons everyone has listed are precisely the reasons you should state in your request...and then some. Of course, it's sensible to pay off/down mortages, etc. but the insurance company cannot tell you what you can spend it on...you can get your advance and go on a vacation to Hawaii, if you want! It does not make any difference what you want the money for. You will have to supply the letter/documentation from your doctor...and then it should be a done deal. The way ALS works everything is a "guess-timate" - make your lives less stressful and apply for the money and put a plan in motion. Good luck.
Louie
Former CALS to husband, Jeff (Grumpy Old Coach): 7-5-2007
Checkmat2 - Absolutely, I think you should follow up with your insurance company...you may want to even skip your agent because s/he may not even have any experience with this type of request. If you feel the need to supply your insurance company with reasons then all the reasons everyone has listed are precisely the reasons you should state in your request...and then some. Of course, it's sensible to pay off/down mortages, etc. but the insurance company cannot tell you what you can spend it on...you can get your advance and go on a vacation to Hawaii, if you want! It does not make any difference what you want the money for. You will have to supply the letter/documentation from your doctor...and then it should be a done deal. The way ALS works everything is a "guess-timate" - make your lives less stressful and apply for the money and put a plan in motion. Good luck.
Louie
Former CALS to husband, Jeff (Grumpy Old Coach): 7-5-2007
checkmat
Rather than viewing his family as the enemy (don't take me wrong, I've got the same issues with some able bodied in-laws too!), I would try to picture them as people that are just clueless as what to do about their poor brother, son, etc... I then would play the scene as follows:
Oh, "Jane," I just so surely wished that when you came over next you would bring some of "Joe's" favorite ______ for all of us! That would be ever so wonderful! And I know"Joe " would be so appreciative for your loving way! If only the other family members were as thoughtful as you!
I would do this to every single one of 'em...and change it up to include chores and errands. Let the party begin! Soon you will be seeing less and less of them. Only the ones truly interested in his well being will remain steadfast. (unless they are total jerks) and I would hope some of them really are interested in your husbands well being.
Well, just a thought!
Rather than viewing his family as the enemy (don't take me wrong, I've got the same issues with some able bodied in-laws too!), I would try to picture them as people that are just clueless as what to do about their poor brother, son, etc... I then would play the scene as follows:
Oh, "Jane," I just so surely wished that when you came over next you would bring some of "Joe's" favorite ______ for all of us! That would be ever so wonderful! And I know"Joe " would be so appreciative for your loving way! If only the other family members were as thoughtful as you!
I would do this to every single one of 'em...and change it up to include chores and errands. Let the party begin! Soon you will be seeing less and less of them. Only the ones truly interested in his well being will remain steadfast. (unless they are total jerks) and I would hope some of them really are interested in your husbands well being.
Well, just a thought!
sharonca
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Nov 27, 2007
- Messages
- 428
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 12/2007
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Mentone
An idea... What about having a friend of yours be the lead person for a "Share the Care" group. All of his relatives will be invited to the meeting along with other friends and family. Then they can either sign up for something on the list or politely say no thank you. Then it is clear to everyone what you and your PALS need and what they have or have not decided to do to help. And you would not be the one asking - it would be the leader of the Group.
Sharonca
Sharonca
- Status
