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joni51

Senior member
Joined
Sep 8, 2010
Messages
992
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
10/2010
Country
US
State
Al
City
Valley
As most of you know I lost my first husband after 19 years of marriage to melanoma cancer, my kids dad. He fought a 2.5 year battle with 3 brain surgeries,radiation, chemo,trials.It devasated me when we lost him, during his illness my mom developed alzheimers, she did not even know me. I lost them both. Found myself in love again 4 years later, he is great, loves my kids, my dogs, everyone until August when he was diagnosed with Als. This is so bad that I am living losing him, and reliving losing my first husband. I work every day cleaning houses to try and pay bills, actually 12 house in 5 days this week, I am so tired when I get off, and still have to try to get something fixed that he can eat, clothes washed ect. Mediacare is dragging there feet on the dynavox, we can't afford an Ipad. I am just so burnt out. Oh and my eye exam showed I needed new glasses, but I have no eye coverage. Was diagnosed last week with arthritis too. I feel like a queen if I get a new tube of mascara...lol Today I was so depressed I really had some bad thoughts as far as myself, stupid I know, but I thought for a minute..just run your car off the road, or take a few extra pills. I know that sounds pissy with all that the people on this forum face, and I am truly sorry. I am just tired depressed, nothing to look forward too..work work work, see about things for Bruce, as he can't talk no longer. I just feel like I have a huge weight on my shoulders, and I don't want to face it. I am sorry this is long. Just had to get this out. Yes I am on an antidepressant, and something for anxiety, still does not take these feelings away some days.
 
Hugs! You aren't alone! How brave of you to speak of your thoughts. I trust you are safe but in case you are having such thoughts continuously please call a friend or family member you can trust. Your husband and kids need you. Especially your kids since the have already lost one father. Hang in there! Hugs!
 
Joni you have had to bear so many burdens. I often wonder why this happens to good people like you. I think perhaps God knows that you have inner strength and that your first husband needed your strength--as does Bruce right now. It's so terribly hard on you, but I think you will be rewarded with many blessings. Sending a big hug to you Joni, and if things get beyond your control with your feelings of not being able to take anymore please go to someone you trust and tell them that you need someone to take care of you because you can't take anymore. Lots of love to you Joni.
Laurel
 
Oh Joni, my heart aches for you so much, I am truly so sorry, Life has been so cruel.

I know that does not help you much but I can relate to what you are saying. Life seems so overwhelming at times you just want to give up. When you begin to look at the whole plate full of all the resposibilities, wants, needs, exceptations, heartbreak, disappointments, etc it is to much! I have even had the same thoughts you expressed. I know I have been there and am now returning by not trying to swallow the whole plate full at once, but cleaning that plate and dealing one day at a time, one problem at a time, one monemt at a time. Only what I can swallow easily. If I didn't do that I would totally lose it, and choak.
It is hard but so worth it to find some peace knowing I cant do it all. I am human and so are you created by God and He said...

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day [is] its own trouble.

One Day at a time, I TRY and do this, I hope you too, can find peace in this. We can do only so much no more. And dont be afraid to ask for help, it is ok to need help, we all find it so hard to ask. I will keep you in prayer.
May the Father rap His loving arms around you and keep you safe, give you peace that passes all understanding, and pour His oil of gladness upon you and see to your every need.

I also try to look at all my blessings and miracles as the thoughts of all the disapointments and failures flood my mind. I hope this has helped in some small way. You are not alone. When you are weak He is strong.

Thank you for sharing with your friends who truly care about you your most intimate thoughts of what you are truly feeling right now, I know we are here to help you and encourage you in anyway we can even if it's just a ear to listen when needed. It's good to get it OUT.
We are here for you! Tomarrow will be a better day! In Faith, Hope, Love
((((BIG HUGS)))))
 
Joni,
Hugs 'n' Kisses to you...XOXOXOXOXOX
PRAYERS are going up for you to have a peace that passes all understanding. You are never alone, Joni. I read your posts and helpful replies to so many. You are so loved on this site and by your dear family and friends. Chin up shuga pie... God will never put more on you than you can bare especially because He is there as your Rock helping you every moment of every day. Take comfort in that knowledge and get some rest this night. Kaye :)
 
I am pretty new on here but wanted to also say how sorry I am. I can't even imagine having to go through this twice. I do know how tiring and hard it is. I also know about those thoughts. Several years ago, I had to really battle them. Every time one came into my head I pushed it away because of my kids. They had gone through so much already. I just couldn't do it to them. At the time I couldn't even pray but did take comfort knowing other people were praying for me.

I cried everyday on the way to work and back. One day I noticed something in nature ( can't remember if it was flowers, changing leaves or what now), but I realized that just for a second my hopelessness lifted some. I started looking for those little things that helped and started trying to hold on to them for a second longer. I called them my little pieces of joy. Eventually with God's help, that pulled me through.

I don't in any way have it together though. My husband has gotten weaker recently. In the last 2 weeks the way we have done things no longer works. Everything is taking so much longer and more effort. I have also been in a lot of pain this year. I am getting 3 steroid shots on Monday and am hoping so much they will help. I no longer work, but still can't keep up. I have really been feeling overwhelmed. My daughter was telling me about a book she was reading. All I could think was I wonder if I will ever have time to read a whole book again.

Hopefully we will all get through this though and someday be able to know what free time is like again. My heart goes out to you. Like I said, I just can't imagine having to go through all of this twice. You are a very special person and an inspiration. Praying that God showers you with pieces of joy.
 
I will remind you of your quote on your signature to help you a bit maybe plateau out of that 'downward spiral' you are facing....

Every tomorrow has two handles, the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith

Choose the Faith Joni....
 
Joni...Dear sweet friend, You've gotten some great advise above. I am lifting you up before the Lord. I'm so glad you shared your grief and exhaustion--reaching out like this. I love you dearly. (((HUGS))) Ann
 
No one should have to face what you're facing--and what your kids are facing. I wish there was some way I could help. Does anyone know if perhaps the Guardian Angels have a Dynavox they could loan til Medicare gets off their laurels? Or an ALS loaner closet?

Communication is important for both of you. There must be some way to get you the things you need to help. I wish there was something I could do.
 
Joni, holding you up in my prayers. Such a heavy load.
 
Joni,

Please hang in there. We are all hoping you are better today. When I got to the line about driving off the road, I had a flash of memory. After both kids were born I had post partum depression. This was back in the day when it was hardly heard or spoken of. I had many days where driving off a bridge seemed like the right move. I was also the caregivier for my mom and dad (mom died in '78 and dad died in '82). My mom died when I was 18, my dad when I was 22. I somehow got through it and you will too. Please take the advice found in many posts above and call a friend you trust when you feel like this. It will help - I promise.

Thinking of you,
Mary
 
Joni, you are such a treasure for your family and for us...I am praying for courage for you, and strength to rely on God, not yourself to get through all this...my heart aches for you, I feel your pain, but put it ALL in God's hands, yourself included!When we first hit these devastating parts of life, we feel the full brunt of it...but something of inner wisdom and strength comes forth from us, a resevoir we never we knew we had...the important part is not to feel that you are facing this alone...we are here for you...is there a close friend you can confide in?
Good for you to not face this alone, but share it with us...that takes GREAT courage! Lifting you and your family into the arms of God! (((hugs)))
 
Many of us have felt what you are feeling. I don't know what snapped me out of it. Certainly not just antidepressants. My thoughts are with you while you wade through this difficult time.
 
Thank you all for reminding me how lucky I am and proud that I have each and every one of as my caring friends. I'm sorry if I caused anyone to worry.
 
Joni,

Please hang in there! We are all behind you.

Does the ALSA or MDA have any kind of communication device that could tide y'all over til the Dynavox is approved? Also, (I don't have time right now or I'd look it up for you) have you checked to see if your state has an organization that has a loaner library of assistive technology?

I'll see what I can find out for you later - gotta go to our friend's memorial service.

Hugs to ya!
 
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