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crissy

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My Dad was diagnosed with PLS approximately 6 years ago. It started with his walking and has progressed to his speech and swallowing. That not being enough he was diagnosed with an invasive form of bladder cancer a month ago.

He still tries to do so many things that are dangerous and has the scars to prove it. I don't know what his decision will be about the cancer, but they won't to take out his bladder and prostate. This will take away even more of his independence, not to mention that the surgery itself could be more dangerous for him because of the PLS.

To top it all of, his wife (not my Mother) is in complete denial about the PLS (always has been) she think he can will himself better. She's a total nut job, but my Dad loves her.
She poses more of a danger to my Dad than he even wants to admit. She has completely lost it since he was diagonsed with cancer, but I have know control of that.

I just feel totally helpless!
 

Al

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Hi Crissy. I'm sorry about your dad but hope we'll be able to help you through this. You aren't alone. We care.

AL.
 

crissy

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BTW, I totally apologize for all the errors in my original post. I should proof read better! I'm really not as ignorant as that post made me seem. (lol)
 

crissy

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Hi Crissy. I'm sorry about your dad but hope we'll be able to help you through this. You aren't alone. We care.

AL.

Thanks, it's just really hard for people who haven't been through this to understand how completely out of control you feel. I just think if it's like this for me, how is it for my Dad?


He's wife completely lost it last week. She pushed him down and then started to kick him. I have to stay away from her, which means I only call or see my Dad when she is not around. She almost lost it with me while he was at the hospital. I just can't worry about her, my Dad is my main concern. She is completely crazy, but my Dad would not support anything to make her go away.
 

laurel

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DX UMND/PLS
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Hi Crissy,
I second what Al has said. We're here to listen and support you so vent all you want and we'll be listening. It is so tough in situations like yours. All you can do is love and support your Dad, and try not to get into conflict with his wife as it would distress him. And in the end it would distress you even more. He knows you love him Crissy. So just carry on with all that love and when things get you down just write and we will try our best to help in some way. Take care.
Laurel
 

crissy

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Hi Crissy,
I second what Al has said. We're here to listen and support you so vent all you want and we'll be listening. It is so tough in situations like yours. All you can do is love and support your Dad, and try not to get into conflict with his wife as it would distress him. And in the end it would distress you even more. He knows you love him Crissy. So just carry on with all that love and when things get you down just write and we will try our best to help in some way. Take care.
Laurel


You are so right! My Dad is all that I care about and the last thing I want to do is put him under anymore strain, but I keep having this picture of her kicking my Dad and him having no way to help himself. It completely breaks my heart.

My Dad is 61 and 10 years ago he was sailing and playing volleyball with people 20 years his junior. It's so hard to see him like this. He could have run circles around me prior to getting this disease and now the cancer. It's just a lot to take.
 

laurel

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Hi Crissy,
I just read your second message about her pushing him down and kicking him. That is something that you have to wade into and stay on top of. I would be speaking to a case worker/social worker about that situation as she has crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed and he is in no condition to be suffering that kind of abuse. I can appreciate that your Dad doesn't want her to go away, but if something like that happens again he should be interviewed by his doctor or a case worker so someone can step in and charge her if need be. She can be arrested for that behaviour, and absolutely you need to protect him. And I would go on record to his doctor and/or police about what has happened so you have documentation if you need to call in authorities to protect him if anything like that happens again. In his condition he is going to feel really vulnerable and so his judgement over her abuse may be impaired due to that vulnerability. You are going to have to be his advocate in this situation Crissy even though it may get nastier with his wife.
Laurel
 

crissy

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Hi Crissy,
I just read your second message about her pushing him down and kicking him. That is something that you have to wade into and stay on top of. I would be speaking to a case worker/social worker about that situation as she has crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed and he is in no condition to be suffering that kind of abuse. I can appreciate that your Dad doesn't want her to go away, but if something like that happens again he should be interviewed by his doctor or a case worker so someone can step in and charge her if need be. She can be arrested for that behaviour, and absolutely you need to protect him. And I would go on record to his doctor and/or police about what has happened so you have documentation if you need to call in authorities to protect him if anything like that happens again. In his condition he is going to feel really vulnerable and so his judgement over her abuse may be impaired due to that vulnerability. You are going to have to be his advocate in this situation Crissy even though it may get nastier with his wife.
Laurel

My brother and I discussed having her committed. She has some serious issues, when I mentioned it to my Dad and asked him "how he thought we would feel if she seriously injured him or worse, killed him how would we live with ourselves knowing what we know?" His reply and he typed it because he couldn't say it out loud "How would you feel if you came in and I had blown my brains out because you had her put away?"

It's a terrible situation. My brother and I are in close contact and believe me one more incident and the gloves are off, but I doubt my Dad will tell us anything else. He could always deny it ever happened! Did I mention she is a total nut job!
 

crissy

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I have gone through this a million times in my head

My brother and I go to the police and she's arrested, we have no proof other than what our Dad has told us. I seriously doubt that anything could be done, if he doesn't press charges and I know he will not. Let's just say she is arrested, he bails her out (or he kills himself) and she's back in the house and now she's really crazy and mad. What do we do then?

or

We try to have her commited. What are our chances? My Dad will not back-up our story and yes we've gone on record, but at the same time she will know what we have done and this could just make things worse for my Dad either way!

It's a no win and it's all I ever think about. It's driving me nuts!
 

awieleba

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oh crissy, I just feel for you and what you must feel!

When people are in abusive realtionships they just dont see it the way outsiders/loved ones do. This can be so frustrating. You are right, he would deney it. I guess you will have to check on him daily for marks and such? Maybe let her know that you are watching her? would she care?

does he feel that she is the only one to take care of him? would you or your brother take him in and care for him? I jsut thought maybe he feels stuck?

In a worse case situation if you fear for him, get a hidden camerea set up. I am not joking! I have seen shows where they have done that, it is AWFUL some of the things that people do. NO ONE deserves to be treated bad---child or adult!

take care!

april
 

wright

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Hello Crissy

I am so sorry for what you and your family are having to go through. You have certainly come to the right place for support.

I wanted to comment on your father's bladder cancer diagnosis: that is typically a very slow moving cancer and is almost always confined to the bladder. It is treatable and so his prognosis is more than likely a good one. Make sure you discuss it with his oncologist and get all of your questions answered.

I hope that helps at least a little bit.

Take care.
 

coolr

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If you and your brother believe your father is being abused by this woman, if I were you, I would seek professional advice. Look for an elder-abuse agency, or a trusted doctor with whom you can ask for a consultation. I would try these first.

It must be devastating for you dealing with all this. Courage. Others here can help. Ruth
 

CindyM

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Hi Chrissy. I am very glad you found us and gald you decided to join us! Your situation is hard, to say the least. It is very hard to help someone who does not see the need.

But everyone else is right- you and your brother must do what is necessary to protect your Dad. That said, committing her might not be your only option. In a lot of states, that won't even be an option on the table for you.

Your Dad's doctor or a social worker at his ALS clinic or MD chapter can sort through this. They have the skills to make him see that he deserves protection and he she deserves treatment. They can help him see that her mental health is making her do these things but still he should not put himself in danger. I wish you the best with all this. Let us know how things work out! Cindy
 

crissy

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Loved one DX
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Thanks sooo much

for all the support and understanding. Here is the thing --- my Dad knows that she has mental issue and has known for a long time and yes my brother and I would step in and take care of him daily if she wasn't around. Here is the problem:

She has been with my Dad for about 15 years. She has no family that lives close by and she has not lived close to any of her family since she was 18, other than a sister that she roomed with for awhile. She has been her 15 years and has NO friends what so ever(that in itself I find very strange). She is 13 years younger than my Dad and he is her husband, father and brother wrapped into one.

I like the suggestion to tell her she is being watched, but I fear that may make things worse. I don't know that she would care. This is not a normal abuse thing -- it's like a switch. I think she is probably bi-polar, and she does need help, but without my Dad's blessing it is a mute point. The doctors or a social worker could take action, but where does that leave my Dad. He would be absolutely furious. I know my Dad, he would go somewhere and none of us would know where! It's really easy to say just call the authorities, but without proof it could just make the situation much worse and put even more stress on my Dad. It becomes a he said she said kind of thing and we all know that doesn't work in a court of law. So best case is the authorities get involved, they put my Dad through more trauma and she's still there. What have we solved? It's not as easy a fix as you think. I've talked to law enforcement and without proof there hands would be tied. It's a lot like any other type of domestic case, if the person being abused is not willing to press charge, there is not much you can do. Now if my Dad was not of sound mind it would be a different case, but there is nothing wrong with his mind that wasn't already wrong before (lol). He's a character!

As for the suggestion of a camera. My Dad has done security all his life. He can access control/the whole nines yards on a multi-million dollar building. There is no way I could sneak a camera in and he not know I had done it.

Also, the bladder cancer my Dad has is not the kind with the best prognosis. It is a transistional, aggressive form of cancer. He has already stated he will not do chemotherapy if they removed the bladder and they wanted to do follow-up treatment.
 

crissy

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Loved one DX
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NC
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Wilson
Hi Chrissy. I am very glad you found us and gald you decided to join us! Your situation is hard, to say the least. It is very hard to help someone who does not see the need.

But everyone else is right- you and your brother must do what is necessary to protect your Dad. That said, committing her might not be your only option. In a lot of states, that won't even be an option on the table for you.

Your Dad's doctor or a social worker at his ALS clinic or MD chapter can sort through this. They have the skills to make him see that he deserves protection and he she deserves treatment. They can help him see that her mental health is making her do these things but still he should not put himself in danger. I wish you the best with all this. Let us know how things work out! Cindy


He knows it is her mental health, but he thinks if he just tip toes around her there is nothing to worry about. She has been committed before, so he is well aware of her mental state. He always has been.
 
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