I am a 20 y.o male student at psu. I am currently terrified that I am going to die from this disease. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 15 and I am no stranger to unrelenting anxiety and fear.
This fear all started friday 11/2/12 when I searched Muscle twitching. My left tricep had begun twitching about 2 weeks earlier when I was about a week into my MIIT physical training program. I was in the library and It started one of its normal 3- 10 second twitch sprees that happened 5-10 times a day. well I can across ALS of course. What originally caused me the greatest fear wasnt that I shared a symptom with AlS though just having that as a possibility is quite frightening. It was that I shared one symptom and ALS has so few symptoms so it made that one symptom seem like a huge indicator.
As soon as I realized that my muscle having twitching episodes could mean something bad it seemed like they increased in frequency and duration, as though it sensed my fear and responded to it. I spent the rest of the next day and a half worrying about it and looking for more in depth information of which there was depressingly little. (there it goes twitching)(seems to respond to stress)
On Saturday night I was playing Halo with my friends and I was thinking about ALS and worrying when I all of a sudden I became conscious of my right leg, mainly my calf and front of my angle. It just occurred to me that I should see how it feels, and as soon as I started concentrating on it it began to feel tense, not tight, not heavy, just tense. and it has felt like that every time i think about it. It was impossible to sleep with it the first night i just felt like I had to move it. When I sit it just bothers me like I have never been so aware of the fact that I have a leg before.
My leg has become my main fear now. It feels weird all the time. the only time It feels ok are the brief moments when It leaves the forefront of my mind. it also feels fine when I am exercising and my routine is very intense on all parts of the body. I have to walk a few miles a day just to get to and from classes. The entire time I am walking I am always looking down to my feet to see if I have foot drop. I Always am worried that my right foot doesn't pick itself up as far as the other one. even though i think it is. I even use windows to check out my gait as I walk by. hell I'm even listening for a difference in the sound of each foot or a difference in how much bounce each step produces. almost all the time i detect no difference at all. I have not tripped at all in the recent past. I have always been a rather jumpy person, And I get sleep starts and when I am lying still I have always gotten large whole body tics like my whole leg would move or my hip or whole arm or abs would tense for a split second.
I am able to hop around my appt on the one foot, walk backwards down the stares on the balls of my feet, stand on one foot for quite a while, and stand on just the ball of my one foot using my hand against a wall for balance.
my right calf is now more sore than my left today after my workout.
(just got up and walked backed and forth staring at my feet, can't help the compulsion)
I am not foreign to the idea of somatic symptoms and have had them in the past for other obsessions and I know just how much power the mind can command over parts of the body I never thought possible.
I am not sure what reassurance you guys can give me but any would be appreciated. I know i am not suppose to seek out reassurance but I can't live with this much uncertainty.
I will not go out like this, I have never been afraid of death and over the course of my last five years I have wished i was dead when I was in the depths of despair and worry. I will take a header out my window before I have to watch my family watch me slowly die, I can't do that, death is hard but knowing ti is coming for them and being able to do nothing. my grandfather had a stroke and was dependent but he was 80. I will not be a 20 y.o. man who needs someone to help me through life until I die. The only reason I am still here is because of how hard I know it would be for my parents to bury me.
I will not go out like this, I have never been afraid of death and over the course of my last five years I have wished i was dead when I was in the depths of despair and worry. I will take a header out my window before I have to watch my family watch me slowly die, I can't do that, death is hard but knowing ti is coming for them and being able to do nothing. my grandfather had a stroke and was dependent but he was 80. I will not be a 20 y.o. man who needs someone to help me through life until I die. The only reason I am still here is because of how hard I know it would be for my parents to bury me.
the only actual medicalish test I have that could effect this isnt really even froma dcotor. Its from when I gave blood on friday to the redcross they said my blood glucose is normal with what i think she said as a 16.1 and i later read a study that said ppl with MND have abnormally high blood glucose.
I hate having to rely on an internet forum for support again especially since the very people I am asking to help me are actually suffering from what i fear but its all I have. I don't have access to a reliable doctor right now and I can barely afford my OCD meds. so if you can help me by providing your opinions it would be appreciated. Or don't I don't know why you would help to be honest, If i were in your position i would either have ended it or sleep 20 hours a day to keep from living the life.If you are willing tog ive insight and any of this is incoherent please ask me to specify, It's hard to write when i am this scared. To many words coming from my head to type it all.