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Jeffpa

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PA
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state college
I am a 20 y.o male student at psu. I am currently terrified that I am going to die from this disease. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 15 and I am no stranger to unrelenting anxiety and fear.
This fear all started friday 11/2/12 when I searched Muscle twitching. My left tricep had begun twitching about 2 weeks earlier when I was about a week into my MIIT physical training program. I was in the library and It started one of its normal 3- 10 second twitch sprees that happened 5-10 times a day. well I can across ALS of course. What originally caused me the greatest fear wasnt that I shared a symptom with AlS though just having that as a possibility is quite frightening. It was that I shared one symptom and ALS has so few symptoms so it made that one symptom seem like a huge indicator.
As soon as I realized that my muscle having twitching episodes could mean something bad it seemed like they increased in frequency and duration, as though it sensed my fear and responded to it. I spent the rest of the next day and a half worrying about it and looking for more in depth information of which there was depressingly little.
(there it goes twitching)(seems to respond to stress)
On Saturday night I was playing Halo with my friends and I was thinking about ALS and worrying when I all of a sudden I became conscious of my right leg, mainly my calf and front of my angle. It just occurred to me that I should see how it feels, and as soon as I started concentrating on it it began to feel tense, not tight, not heavy, just tense. and it has felt like that every time i think about it. It was impossible to sleep with it the first night i just felt like I had to move it. When I sit it just bothers me like I have never been so aware of the fact that I have a leg before.
My leg has become my main fear now. It feels weird all the time. the only time It feels ok are the brief moments when It leaves the forefront of my mind. it also feels fine when I am exercising and my routine is very intense on all parts of the body. I have to walk a few miles a day just to get to and from classes. The entire time I am walking I am always looking down to my feet to see if I have foot drop. I Always am worried that my right foot doesn't pick itself up as far as the other one. even though i think it is. I even use windows to check out my gait as I walk by. hell I'm even listening for a difference in the sound of each foot or a difference in how much bounce each step produces. almost all the time i detect no difference at all. I have not tripped at all in the recent past.
I have always been a rather jumpy person, And I get sleep starts and when I am lying still I have always gotten large whole body tics like my whole leg would move or my hip or whole arm or abs would tense for a split second.
I am able to hop around my appt on the one foot, walk backwards down the stares on the balls of my feet, stand on one foot for quite a while, and stand on just the ball of my one foot using my hand against a wall for balance.
my right calf is now more sore than my left today after my workout.
(just got up and walked backed and forth staring at my feet, can't help the compulsion)
I am not foreign to the idea of somatic symptoms and have had them in the past for other obsessions and I know just how much power the mind can command over parts of the body I never thought possible.
I am not sure what reassurance you guys can give me but any would be appreciated. I know i am not suppose to seek out reassurance but I can't live with this much uncertainty.
I will not go out like this, I have never been afraid of death and over the course of my last five years I have wished i was dead when I was in the depths of despair and worry. I will take a header out my window before I have to watch my family watch me slowly die, I can't do that, death is hard but knowing ti is coming for them and being able to do nothing. my grandfather had a stroke and was dependent but he was 80. I will not be a 20 y.o. man who needs someone to help me through life until I die. The only reason I am still here is because of how hard I know it would be for my parents to bury me.​

the only actual medicalish test I have that could effect this isnt really even froma dcotor. Its from when I gave blood on friday to the redcross they said my blood glucose is normal with what i think she said as a 16.1 and i later read a study that said ppl with MND have abnormally high blood glucose.​
I hate having to rely on an internet forum for support again especially since the very people I am asking to help me are actually suffering from what i fear but its all I have. I don't have access to a reliable doctor right now and I can barely afford my OCD meds. so if you can help me by providing your opinions it would be appreciated. Or don't I don't know why you would help to be honest, If i were in your position i would either have ended it or sleep 20 hours a day to keep from living the life.
If you are willing tog ive insight and any of this is incoherent please ask me to specify, It's hard to write when i am this scared. To many words coming from my head to type it all.
 
Your foot problem is embarrassingly similar to what I'm going through, right down to the checking the reflection of my gait in windows. For me, my left foot feels odd and tight whenever I walk, but whenever I look at my foot or strength test it, there's no abnormalities, no loss of strength, it's baffling. It DOES feel better when I don't pay attention to it (mostly due to worrying about something else). I walk back and forth from classes every day too, and I have tripped (but not fallen), but the sidewalks are filled with potholes and uneven pavement so I'm not too worried. I was worried in the past, but then I realized that I'm tripping equally on both feet; my right foot that feels fine, and my left foot that feels odd.

Whole body tics/leg tics/any tic when you go to sleep are normal, especially when you're anxious and on the verge of sleep. I had those 2 months ago as well when my panic was at its peak.

Your left tricep twitch is normal, just let it pan out and don't focus on it, and it should be gone in a few weeks.
 
You are talking yourself in to having ALS symptoms. Everyone twitches. You admittedly have OCD so I assure you, OCD is your problem, not ALS. Anyway, at 20 it's extremely unlikely that you have anything but OCD and a few twitches. Most people that are diagnosed are much older. Relax and enjoy your health. Maybe see your counselor and talk it out. Good luck to you!
 
I will be seeing my pysch when I get for christmas. if only to get my new prescription. I know the leg thing is most likely somantic its just so much more real than the usual feelings I can force on myself. After reading most of the topics on this page I expect to soon be ousted for not being able to get to a doctor anytime soon. I just wish it didnt pop up when for the first time in my life I am trying to get physically fit instead of j8ust lifting or playing sports. it makes me feel like its gonna be all for not. i keep having images forced into my head of slowly dying or not being able to shower shave or walk. of seeing my parents sitting on my bedside looking down at me. its rough on the morale. so youa re saying that the leg thing does sound like what als would start as? damnit i know how absolutely crazy this sounds i just read it out loud. I hate this. My mind is already gone i just dont want life to take my body so soon too...
 
No No! The leg thing does not sound remotely like ALS! Bigguy does not have ALS. I am so sorry you are so tortured. Is there no crisis counselor at your school? you really sound like you need to talk to a psych person NOW not waiting until Christmas break. Please find a way to get help now!
Good luck
 
I am so sorry for your anxiety Jeff. But, you don't have symptoms of ALS. Do something relaxing for yourself to take your mind off of things. Wishing you the best. Kim
 
I appreciate everyone talking to me.
I will try to make the reassurance last as long as I can.
I can't wait until I have saved up enough for Halo 4 it will hopefully give me something to concentrate on until then I just play chess.
I don't actually know what main campus has. I know at my branch we had a place to talk but that was just to other students. I will find a way to keep on keeping on for the time being. I guess it comes down to trying to make sure as few people know my weaknesses as possible.
I did actually read that thread and it is quite informative compared to wemd or google just saying twitching. But am worry because the only place with facicussions or tations or whatever the long word is for twitching. it my left tricep. the rest of my body might have a singlejerk or twitch from time to time but never have I had these longer single muscle spasm things.
I know it said It would come after weakness but that is just begging me to start seeing which arm gives out on dips first.

I have known this never enough info feeling before. the black and white world of ocd is shitty. hopefully I can get over this within a reasonable timespan and goback to my other obsessions which in comparison are so easy todeal with.
 
just testing to see if my all my posts get blocked or jsut the last one.
 
thank you all for your replies. I will try to find a way to get through this. I don't think I need crisis intervention or anything. I am still eating and going to class. I think i'll wait for my appointment at home My tuition seems to cover nothing but my classes in this school. I read that BFS article thing and though it is helpful I worry because my facs are only in my left tricep. i get a little jerky and a random twitch here and there but never have I gotten these weird little spasm things.
 
Jeff

Most colleges have a med center. Most cities have free and low income clinics. Many of us understand no money. Now, that said, twitches are NOT an early sign of ALS, they happen when the muscle is dying and has weakened already, and ALS almost always starts distally, in a hand or a foot, not a tricep. Are you carrying heavy books? All kinds of things can set of twitches, even low B-12.

Your swearing is what got your posts moderated. You can't afford NOT to get some help for the anxiety if you are talking about headers out windows over a few twitches, hon. ALS at your age is almost unheard of, by the way. It strikes at or above middle age, and even then about 1 in 100k people...WEAKNESS is the first thing. You're not weak. Please get some help.
 
The rational part of your brain must know that having symptoms of any kind for a month is not reason to fear you are dying of a progressive, terminal illness. You well articulated yourself that your symptoms are based on how much fear you are experiencing. Fasiculations after exercise is very common in healthy people.

It isn't ALS you need to worry about - it is the anxiety that will destroy your life if you let it go on like this. As Notme said, most cities have sliding scale clinics for people without insurance. You NEED to find someplace to get help, and nip this thing in the bud before it gets worse.
 
I Didn't mean that I was going to do anything drastic unless I was assured that I had this illness. I just meant that i am not strong enough to be able to live with that kind of thing hanging over my head. I don't know how anyone does it but it is done and it is impressive to say the least. And I mean that as a compliment. You have more fortitude and will than I could ever muster if you can find a way to live a fulfulling life with ALS or any of these dibiliatating diseases.
Today i was less conscious of my leg and in the morning when I woke up i didnt even feel any difference until I remembered to feel a difference lol.
It still feels a little tired from time to time but that has zero effect on its performance so I'm going to believe it is nothing. I am going to begin more punishing tricep routines. I spoke to my dad and he said that he had calf and tricep twitches when he used to workout. His way of getting rid of the annoying feeling was to work them harder, though that seems counter intuitive I will do the same.
sorry for swearing, sometimes they act as place holders in sentences for me.
Trust me I know anxiety has hurt me in every facet of life. I will one day get over it, according to my doctor. If things get really bad I can always call him he said.
The rational part of my mind has never been very powerful compared to my fight or flight mechanism in that lower lizard brain lol.
like right now it is trying to tell me that the reassuring words you gave me in your first sentence really mean that you think i am displaying symptoms of als and I will just have to wait until they get worse. I know this is not your intention and I do know the meaning behind those words so I can overcome that.
I appreciate everyone's help I will resist the urge to come post as much as I can. I spent years refreshing a page on an ocd internet forum waiting for the ultimate reassurance that never came. i don't want that to become a way of life for me again.
 
For now, get off this site. You don't belong here because you don't have ALS. You have OCD so go to one of their message boards Sweets! Address what the real problem is rather than what you're obsessing about. Enjoy your life and health. Good luck! :)
 
I have a feeling that Jeffpa may return to read. I've just stumbled on this site, but I may be in a position to reassure. My family has inherited the gene for ALS for many generations and, when I learned this as a child--I overheard relatives discussing it--I lived in fear. When, some time later, I read about fasciculations, I began to feel them--at times in one place, sometimes everywhere--and soon after that I began to "feel" weakness. This went on for many years. Living in fear, pretending for my family's benefit, that I was cheerful and fine.

Along the way, a number of close relatives succumbed to the disease. None of them presented with fasciculations. None of them presented in a way resembling Jeffpa's symptoms. But it took testing several years ago to determine that I--and thus not my children either--hadn't inherited the gene.

I still feel fasciculations, and I still wonder at times if I may be one of the estimated 2 per 100,000 people who develop sporadic ALS. I then get a bit tough with myself, and get on with things. I hope you have been able to do the same Jeffpa.

I greatly admire the people who have found it within themselves to cope with this illness. I know it is ineffably challenging.
 
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