Dealing with anger issues with extended family

[mndireland]

Linda,
I know and understand your situation, mine is very similar only one of my sisters is literally a 5 minute drive and the other 20mins away, but they have kids to feed and get ready for school etc, and obviously I dont have a life and thats why I look after mom!
Well I dont anymore, but to be honest, what I do have is much more rewarding than a social life, out in pubs and clubs just dont come close. I wake up everyday grateful if Mum had a good night and know that we can go out and do some shopping and lunch (girlie things), and on a bad day, Im just glad that im there with her and doing all I can to help. Just remember these are the days you will remember and you will never feel guilty or wishing youd done more, and its not about what or how they feel but how you feel, and you are getting so much more out of this than these could ever hope for.

It does anger me sometimes, and there is nothing we can do about that. And im just dreading the day of a funeral, and some of these so called loved ones will be crying at a graveside beside me, as I feel my anger will definately burst!
But I also believe in Karma, and what goes around comes around. You will live a good and very fulfilling life, can everybody say that?

 

[CindyM]

They will be crying for the lost opportunity, is what I believe. Caregiving involves bone-tiring work, but many happy bonding moments. They will suddenly realize all they have lost, but unfortunately for them that will come too late to act upon it.

You, on the other hand, will have no regrets. I promise! :smile:

 

[barbell]

Same issues with family

Hello to all on the forum. Don't write often but read a lot. Husband with ALS has nine siblings and only a few will call. I understand they live very far away but he is still their brother. Not sure why they can't call to see how he is. Of course they didn't call much before so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. His is bulbar onset and he can no longer speak and has great difficulty eating. Chokes all the time and severe drooling. is now experiencing remarkable weakness in his hands and I have noticed, along with my family and friends, that he seems to be losing his cognitive abilities. This doesn't seem to be an issue with a lot of PALS but I have heard it before. Am impressed by all of you who go to have all of the tests run and have feeding tubes. My husband will no longer go to the doctor and will not even discuss getting a feeding tube. It is very hard for all of to watch but we don't know what to do but hang in there. Thank you to all who write on this forum. It means a lot even to those of us who seldom write. God bless all of you.

 

[califsand]

To varying degrees, we all know exactly how you feel. I have moments of serious bitterness & anger towards parts of my family and how they just go on with life while Dad lays in a bed struggling. My family is VERY close knit, we are a large family but that has never mattered.

Recently I've begun to come to terms with the fact that we all have different roles and take on what we can handle... I have the biggest role in Dad's care, have from the beginning, but I had to fight to have a role at all. His stubborn independent streak and mean treatment of everyone early on really set the course of his care over the past several years. He refused help from almost everyone, he said horrible things to us when we tried to help, he kicked us out of his house, locked us out of his house, it was horrible, hurtful and frustrating. He pushed everyone away but two of us turned out to be JUST AS STUBBORN AS HIM. He hurt our feelings and drove us crazy but we refused to let it knock down our resolve to be good children to him and as his illness progressed and he came to terms with the fact that he needed more help, he began to accept it, first from me and later from my brother. The two of us handled his needs and he continued to push the others away. I think that Dad knew they couldn't handle it, his instincts and intuition have always been strong and I even think that his pushing was partly a test to see who could be there for him, through thick & thin, without losing their love & respect for him. My brother & I proved ourselves and in turn we have had the opportunity to be so close to him.

As things progressed and Dad's became easier to deal with, I was overwhelmed by the level of care he needed and I became resentful of people not being around anymore. I suppose that I just expect that if I can forgive & forget and love unconditionally without Dad's meanness permanently hurting MY or my brothers feelings that the others could too. While they did all do that in their ways, it was more gradual and even so, some couldn't fully let go of how Dad treated them and refused their help. Recently one of my brothers who has gone to see Dad 3 times in the past year told me he was jealous of me because I GOT to help Dad. That made me SO mad but after thinking about it objectively, I see that he is right. Now that Dad is not mean to him, he is still afraid to go... because it hurts to see him that way, because he missed out on being around him while DAd could still communicate and now really has no clue what to do or say. My other brother has begun to go more often and he reads to Dad... which I don't think my Dad likes much but I'm proud of my brother for his efforts. He thinks that Dad loves it and that is great.

My point being, we are all dealt different roles for a reason and while ours seems harder than others, in the end we all have been given what we can handle... sometimes it feels more than you can handle when you're the main caregiver, I have my share of those days, but we do have the luxury of knowing that down the road, we will have NO regrets, we did what we could. When our loved ones pass away it will be very hard on us. No matter how much we try to prepare for it and feel that they will be in a better place, it will cut deep. However, our grief will be at their passing... others will cry because they missed out and feel guilt.

mndireland... I was just talking to my sister yesterday about a couple of people that I refuse to have at the funeral because they aren't close to my Dad, haven't visited him once but I KNOW they will cry if they go and try to comfort me. I told her that there is NO way they are going and I want that clear to the family. Fortunately my Dad had specific desires about his funeral and he told me a few people to invite & stressed to me that he did NOT want it to be a big event. His obit will NOT have funeral details, just a note that they will be private. Only close family and a couple of my Dad's close friends will be invited... and maybe the fire department

Peg, I worked with special needs children for many years and also with adults who had schizophrenia and your words echo what we were taught. Empathy is something I was born with, it is what made me a great counselor and able to care for my father. It is what will keep me from allowing anger at Dad's illness from translating into anger at family members. It is what gets me into trouble left & right as I try to help others who are worse off than me and they take advantage! But the ability to put yourself into someone else's shoes is a gift that brings understanding, and ultimately it gives us the opportunity to not let other's inabilities hurt our feelings.

 

[paula-jane]

Yep... I've been there, done it and I own the t-shirt. I was primary caregiver to my mum and my brothers/sister in law etc... just couldn't handle it and let me to do it all. I've had the anger/sadness/frustration/insanity/yelling/fighting... all the emotions. At the end of the day... I did chose not to focus on what other's can't do and focus on what I can do. We can't change people... we just have to be responsible for our own actions and try to do our best to live without regret. Karma... Fate... whatever gets you through it at the time. It's a tough road and looking back I have no idea how the heck I did it, but, to date... giving birth to my boys and nursing my mum have been the most defining moments of my life. To me, it's all about dignity, integrity and grace. I wish she was still with us, but, I feel blessed to have given her a beautiful end to her wonderful life. Cheers Mum!

Caregivers, you will get through it! Hang in there!

Paula.

 

[brooksea]

Barbell,

I see you can post now! Glad you can join us in the conversation!

 

[givenin]

Unfortunatly some pepole just don't know what to do or how to handle it. I saw it the first time when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, friends we thought were close never came around others came out of the woodwork. My sister told me in the begining she would be the rock and I would at the end and she was right.
The same happened with my husband. I would run into pepole I knew and they would duck away. His family when they came around never understood what needed to be done and more often than not caused more problems and stress and we couldn't wait for them to leave and as they lived about 5 hours away were here for a fews days at a time.

Try not to stress about it they are the ones missing out, make the most of the time you have.

Take care

 

[KRaye]

Anger

I have also been experiancing a lot of anger & resentment towards my family. I am a 26 year old female. I have sacraficedmy life to take care of my grandmother. I love doing it. I just wish that I had some support. My mother doesn't answer my calls. She has told me that she would be available to help relieve some of the stress when it became hard. Needless to say, she isn't around. She just recently married a man she had known for 6 weeks. She spends all of her time catering to his needs.
I just get so frustrated at her choices. I get depressed that she isn't here for me or for her own mother. I don't know how to deal w/these feeling so I joined this forum just yesterday. I hope that it become easier. Or that I am able to find the support that i need.

 

[freddiesnetty]

Hang in there, It will get better. Just live one day at a time. God will carry you.

 

[tdamess]

i have been there when my mom had her stroke and she could not make sence when she spoke after thier first visit they would never come back and see her , she lived in n.c. my brothers and sisters in mass. ,it was very lonley for me there as my kids and grand kids were in mass also but she grew up there and wanted to die there 3 of us took turnes taking care of her she lived 8 yrs in a room and only one of her sisters came everyday but could not help me as she was old herself the rest of them came by here and there so sad

 

[hopeful warrior]

My boat is very similar to those posted. The saying,"You can pick your friends but not your family" is so perfect, isn't it? I loved reading these posts. I needed the message re: taking back the power to own your state of being. I know caregiving is so difficult. I can't crawl into my husband's emotions and experience this disease, but I can vouch for the sadness of watching your loved one become so helpless and frail and the fear of raising your family on your own. The anger of betrayal of family and friends and my own emotions.

I do know God is greater than any problem. I also know that doesn't always make things any easier.

Peace to you

 

[Katie C]

It all sounds so familiar. My husband's brothers have not called one time since his diagnosis. Not once. Next week is a family wedding... it's going to be interesting to see how they react.

 

[K-Town]

Thank God for this forum. Just reading these posts make me feel better about absentee family members. I cannot believe how these people sleep at night. If a family was dysfunctional before diagnosed, then expect it to get worse. I know Im supposed to pray for them, but what i really want to do is tell them how selfish and hurtful they are being. I want to say Go buy a book about how to be a supportive, caring, unselfish family. unfortunately, its a moral thing...people either, have a good moral compass or they choose to throw it out. the inner moral voice exists in all of us. Judgement day comes for everyone...Some of us will have a peaceful light filled journey, others will not! So May the Lord have mercy on their souls. Thats as close to a prayer they will get from me. today anyway.
ahhhh, a good vent relieves more than a tylenol. lol