califsand
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2007
- Messages
- 237
- Diagnosis
- 01/2004
- Country
- US
- State
- ca
- City
- sant barbara
I found out today that a room is available for him at a nearby Hospice House. He will have his own room with a private bathroom and private patio...it's a big room, all of his stuff and his computer can fit in there. I freaked out when they told me, although they had warned me that it was likely going to happen very soon. The past week has been a rough one with lots of falls, that I have caught him, and my back, neck and shoulders are really sore. Hospice sees that as it being unsafe and they bumped him to the top of the list for my sake I think.
Anyway, I had to tell my father today that he is moving to Hospice in just two days... he is SO mad at me, typing me messages like "I'm not f**king going, staying here, NO WAY" etc. He wouldn't look at me half the day and he's been extremely difficult. I'm so depressed but I know it's the best place for him as he needs more care than I can physically provide at this point. I set up his phone service so we can continue to leave him messages (he cannot talk at all anymore) as well as his internet connection and I've arranged for him to be on an outing while my brothers come over and we move his things there, and set up his room.
I knew that I would be torn emotionally when this happened but knowing and experiencing it are two different things. Why do I feel like such a traitor? I worked hard to get him into a place that not only would provide the best care but where he also would have his own room. This was not an easy feat considering he is on medi-cal and doesn't have money or private insurance! I know it will be best for all of us but his fear and anger really do a number on me. I went to the house today to find out what his room was like and broke down crying! I so seldom cry and especially not in front of strangers but she was so nice and I am so scared, it all hit me.
I really am going to need all of my strength, and all my reserves, to get through the next two days with my Dad. I know that I have to put on a strong face for him because he is terrified and I figure that once he is there and sees how nice they are and how he has his own space, that he will adjust quickly. I just feel like a failure though, unrealistic as that may be, and I'm in bad shape. Any suggestions as to how I can get past feeling like such a bad daughter?
Thanks,
Sandy
Anyway, I had to tell my father today that he is moving to Hospice in just two days... he is SO mad at me, typing me messages like "I'm not f**king going, staying here, NO WAY" etc. He wouldn't look at me half the day and he's been extremely difficult. I'm so depressed but I know it's the best place for him as he needs more care than I can physically provide at this point. I set up his phone service so we can continue to leave him messages (he cannot talk at all anymore) as well as his internet connection and I've arranged for him to be on an outing while my brothers come over and we move his things there, and set up his room.
I knew that I would be torn emotionally when this happened but knowing and experiencing it are two different things. Why do I feel like such a traitor? I worked hard to get him into a place that not only would provide the best care but where he also would have his own room. This was not an easy feat considering he is on medi-cal and doesn't have money or private insurance! I know it will be best for all of us but his fear and anger really do a number on me. I went to the house today to find out what his room was like and broke down crying! I so seldom cry and especially not in front of strangers but she was so nice and I am so scared, it all hit me.
I really am going to need all of my strength, and all my reserves, to get through the next two days with my Dad. I know that I have to put on a strong face for him because he is terrified and I figure that once he is there and sees how nice they are and how he has his own space, that he will adjust quickly. I just feel like a failure though, unrealistic as that may be, and I'm in bad shape. Any suggestions as to how I can get past feeling like such a bad daughter?
Thanks,
Sandy