Jamiekay
New member
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2013
- Messages
- 8
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Country
- US
- State
- Washington
- City
- Edgewood
Well it's been exactly 20 days since my daddy, my hero was diagnosed with ALS. I want to think that I am handling this awful news ok. I've gone to the local AlS chapter and I've done some research, I got my parents in touch with the AlS chapter near them. I've made some lists and I reached out to a therapist so I have someone to talk to. But I feel so lost. Unfortunatly I have just been trying to push down my feelings. At first I was too aggressive with everything, trying to figure out a plan for my parents, trying to figure out my role in all of this. My therapist told me that my parents are adults and they will plan, my mom kinda without hurting my feelings told me to back off a little. So I did. I buried myself in work and my family. I saw dad last Sunday, it went good, mom wanted an ALS free day. So we didn't talk about things. I didn't break down and cry in front of dad, I was really proud of myself. We met at a restraunt for breakfast. How stupid am I? First meeting after diagnosis and we go to eat? Dad started getting emotional at the restraunt and went outside. I've never seen my dad like that, I can count how many times I've ever see him cry in my 33 years. That makes 3. Once when I got married, once when my sister got married and then. It took all of me to focus on the breakfast and not break down. This is the strongest man I have ever known, this man I guess I always thought was invisible and he has to go through this disease that will take away everything. I hate it. I don't understand and I am so angry. At the same time I feel like I'm not really going through this, it's someone else- I am just looking through their eyes. It sucks that I know this is all part of the stupid grieving process. I write this and I know. It doesn't make it any easier, it all sucks.
When we were leaning after "the first visit" all I wanted to do was hug my dad and not let go. I hugged him like 6 different times, I kept finding reasons to go back inside so I could stay longer. Finally when it was time to leave, I was on the verge of breaking down I told my husband to leave and my mom came to the car window and told me that my dad told her to tell me to tell my sister,"Dad is doing good, he is fine, everything is ok."
With that we left and I cried the entire hour drive home.
I didn't see dad this weekend, they had plans to be alone. I respect that, after all they have been married 35 years. Together 39 years- heck maybe 40. Mom was 16 when she met my father. The only man she knows.
Wow. This is really sad, I'm trying to make light of it now. I'm not meaning to be so sad, I'm just so lost and I dont know what to do. I get to see them this weekend, they have a garage sale every year. Mom wasn't going to do it this year but I told her I would come and help, mom didn't want me to- money is tight and she didn't want me to spend the gas to drive there. Finally I admitted that I had duel motives to visit my dad too.
Thank you for reading, for letting me have a place to vent and be honest with my emotions.
- Jamie
When we were leaning after "the first visit" all I wanted to do was hug my dad and not let go. I hugged him like 6 different times, I kept finding reasons to go back inside so I could stay longer. Finally when it was time to leave, I was on the verge of breaking down I told my husband to leave and my mom came to the car window and told me that my dad told her to tell me to tell my sister,"Dad is doing good, he is fine, everything is ok."
With that we left and I cried the entire hour drive home.
I didn't see dad this weekend, they had plans to be alone. I respect that, after all they have been married 35 years. Together 39 years- heck maybe 40. Mom was 16 when she met my father. The only man she knows.
Wow. This is really sad, I'm trying to make light of it now. I'm not meaning to be so sad, I'm just so lost and I dont know what to do. I get to see them this weekend, they have a garage sale every year. Mom wasn't going to do it this year but I told her I would come and help, mom didn't want me to- money is tight and she didn't want me to spend the gas to drive there. Finally I admitted that I had duel motives to visit my dad too.
Thank you for reading, for letting me have a place to vent and be honest with my emotions.
- Jamie