Color Wheel!

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brooksea

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There are so many beautiful combinations of colors on that wheel. What? Red and blue make purple or red and yellow make orange! Glorious, glorious colors! All of them.

But, what if you want that yellow, blue, green, purple, orange...all at the same time? You keep grasping at the wheel, but it keeps spinning, spinning, spinning. You cannot concentrate on one color, but have a need to take them all in. Blue, green, purple... Oh, but finally, you catch a color on the wheel! Let's say it's blue. You are now obsessed with blue! Everything blue! Nothing will do for you but blue! If you cannot get blue today, you will try to find someone that will get blue for you straight away! You have to have blue!

This seems to be FTD to me. The obsession on all things at once RELATED and then only one of those relations for a very long time. For my husband, this usually involves money. No rhyme, no reason. Just blue for a month or maybe three. Then we move on to another color, but it always involves money.

I am thankful it is not about s e x . But, it is an obsession.
 
OK, I'm going to tell you a story. Glen's obsession was Martha. Martha was a young lady from our church. He'd known her since she was little. During the time of his illness, she was high school age. It started simply. We'd be out and he'd start staring at any hispanic looking high school girl.... "What are you looking at hon?" "martha" "glen... that's not Martha" Angrily: "Yes it is!"

Fast forward: "Glen... where are you going?" as he'd be heading out the door. "looking for Martha. She's being molested." "Martha's fine sweetie.. she's at school." Eventually that wouldn't deter him. "I could hear her... she's at the house of perps!" ummm.. ok.

Fast forward: "Glen... what are you doing!?" as he tried to peer over the fence into the neighbors yard. "Looking for Martha at the house of perps!" well ok, at least I know where the house of perps is.

Then there was the day while he was still driving when he went to a park for a run... and didn't come back for 3 hours. I was looking into a tracker on his cell phone (at least we'd know where the car was) but then he was no longer driving so we were ok. Then he went for a run/walk... and was gone for almost 2 hours... showed up as I was heading out looking for him... he'd been looking for Martha in the direction he knew she lived. Then he went looking for her when I HAD to pee! Luckily found him in the driveway of the "house of perps."

etc etc etc. Oh... he also became obsessed with the Wendy Williams Show...Wendy was "his girlfriend" and he'd get very upset if he missed the show! I don't think we truly understand the evolutionary value of things like empathy and inhibition until the person we deal with day to day doesn't have those qualities any more.

So... here's how I handled it... didn't make it easy but maybe easiER. Step 1: acknowledge that the person I knew, fell in love with and married was not coming back. Step 2: realize I was dealing with someone with the reasoning capacity and self-centered nature of about a 3 year old toddler Step 3: with the help of the neurologist find a PSYCHIATRIST (not a psychologist) interested in neurological diseases, who was willing to work with me to find the proper level and type of medication to keep Glen from hurting himself or someone else... and be willing to USE the medications. They weren't going to make Glen Glen... but they would at least make him less agitated so if he WAS obsessing he was doing it quietly Step 4: (this was CRUCIAL for me AND Kevin!) Find some sort of regularly scheduled respite. For us it was a dementia specific daycare that was willing and able to put up with his shenanigans. For someone else, maybe someone to come in stay with him.

Which brings me back to Steps 1 and 2. You cannot allow him to make decisions that he would have made in the past any more than you would let a toddler make those decisions. CJ, I know this part is really hard for you... but if you can try to let go of the past and allow your relationship to take on a new dynamic..it will in fact lower your stress level. If you have to lie about what a med is for...do it. If you have to manipulate the truth to get information you need... do it. And check out the AFTD support forum. You'll find you're NOT the only one dealing with these issues.

Sending you lots of hugs... it's hard... there's just no way around that. As to how I got through it? After 18 months, I'm still recovering. Still getting counselling. Still exhausted. But day by day...it gets better.
 
Thank you, Katie. I've been moving toward this moment, but it is very hard for me to let go of what was, like you said. I'm working on it.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not the one really losing my mind...
 
Oh honey, it's so hard to NOT feel that way! Glen's first day at day care I had to "talk to the director" when I went to pick him up. It was like being sent to the principals office, and when I found out what he'd done I was mortified. She very calmly said "No. It's fine. This is just information so you can track behaviors." They really helped me understand it was ok to let go, and that I wasn't the one going crazy.
 
Me too CJ, it sure is hard to let go of the way we were definately!
 
Letting go of who we were separately and as a couple was indeed one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life!
 
interesting...my dad's obsession is insurance tags. He can't stop looking at the expiration date of people's insurance. If it is about to expire or has expired, he motions to them on the road or follows them home to "help" them out. Now it makes sense.
 
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