Hey guys. I miss you. I come here rather often to read the news and posts. I just wanted to say hi. Today is mums 1 year death anniversary. Heavy day for me. What can i say? This year, has been difficult. Iam ok though. Iam strong, iam better, rested, my leg doesnt hurt much anymore, its stronger. I havent managed to lose weight. The fear is slowly leaving me, the fear of having this.
This year has made me a worst person. More selfish. Changed me. I am still bitter. Angry. Iam calmer though. I get out live my life, have fun, had a great vacation. Work is going great. Iam not talking with my brother, i feel he has been unforgivable the way he behaved after mums death. And i guess he doesnt want to aproach me either. Apart from that, me and my sisters remain very close, very connected.
I miss mum. I feel sad because she lost so many things, she couldnt tell us anything. What she felt, what she wanted in life. I stopped going to church much, i still believe but my faith is weaker, i dont hope much anymore for goodness, iam suspecting more about people, i question things, iam more cynical. I used to think do good, hope good, share, offer, give, give and good things will come. Now i believe thats how you become a victim and everybody uses you. Mum was so giving. Such a gem. She never stopped giving even sick. She gave so much love, so much of herself. I actually believe that maybe that had caused her body to rebel, and got sick/
Anyway. I wake up everyday feeling blessed iam alive, i can speak, eat, drink, walk, raise my arms, legs. I wake up everyday, checking the news for a cure. I talk about it. I try to make others understand. But i also stopped talking about it. Its a burden you carry. Not many can understand.
We are having a memorial on Saturday in church, and then lunch, for friends and family. Its the supposed last big memorial the Greek Christian Orthodox hold. After that we honour our dead as we want in private. After that, my mum belongs to me, to keep her alive, as i want to. Smiling, walking so quick, strong, her wonderfull talk, her stories, her hair, her cooking her magnificent cooking that i miss so much, her smiles, laugh, her calls, her songs, her singing her favourite Greek songs. Her voice, her smell. I dont know where she is, i hope she is there she believed she would be. Near God she loved so much, she hoped so much. I hope she is happy.
I would never stop being grateful to found you, this place, and the support and information i got from you. Iam blessed to have shared so much love with my mother, so much care with her, what we shared these 8 months she lived with ALS in the worst condition will stay with me forever.
I dont know what to say. Hope you are good. Hope for a cure. Somewhere someone will find it.
Love and huggs from me.