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cheerleader

Senior member
Joined
Jul 6, 2013
Messages
979
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
08/2012
Country
US
State
Midwest
City
Small town
In the short time since my husband's death, have learned much. Sharing it is cathartic in the grieving process, and hope it will be helpful to others. Some things will not apply to everyone- since we were vacationing out of state when he died but.....for what it's worth, will share it anyhow. This post will deal ONLY with the immediate burial issues. More later on all the practical, day to day stuff. Refer to the ideas in "CALS - what to do along this journey" for additional ideas. I include some costs because, unfortunately, they are a reality we have to deal with.

Okay. Your PALS is now free of the bonds of this monster ALS. Hopefully, you have made decisions together about what your PALS wants. If not, you have many options:
Cremation, burial, donating to medical research, organ donation (thanks Igelb)
Because we chose cremation, here is what I discovered about the cremation process.
1. It took 13 days because a medical examiner had to certify the death, death certificates had to be issued, etc. maybe less time in other places. We also had thanksgiving holiday which added to the time. The hospital ( in our case, a VA hospital) arranged for the pick up by the funeral home we requested. It is my understanding Hospice will make the calls as well.
2. Two forms of death certificates. Long form lists the cause of death, short does not. Some places require an original, others will take copies. Each original cost $9, but you want to be sure you have enough as they are more difficult to obtain later. Unless you have a lot of really involved finances, 5 long, 1 short should be ample and copies usually run 25 cents.
3. Knowing ahead of time what you/your loved one want will save you a lot of money. Even ethical funeral homes will encourage you to go bigger and better. And when you are grieving, hard not to be swayed! Because my husband wanted his ashes scattered, we didn't need a fancy urn, and because the only viewing was by us, there was no need for "a special viewing room", etc. Another thing to keep in mind if you go this route is the ashes can be divided. My hubby chose some here in Florida, some at our
home. The funeral home will divide these for you into separate bags within a single box.
If you are choosing burial of the ashes, you will need to arrange for that with your cemetery, as well as for a marker or gravestone.
4. If you need to travel with these, check airline restrictions. Some require them in checked luggage, others like Southwest require you to carry them on. Some may require the death certificate so, carry one with you.
5. Ask the funeral home for a checklist of things to attend to. Some will provide this as a helpful guide. (Ours did not, so I'm learning by doing!)
6. Write the obituary. Most newspapers publish a death notice for free. A regular obituary is usually priced by the #of words/letters. Our daughters had written a basic one ahead of time and found a great picture to go with and it was a big help to me as a starting point to turn it into my tribute of love to him. Again, be prepared for sticker shock. An average length obit will run over $500.
7. In both our home state and here, the basic cost of cremation is about $1900. Be prepared though, as there are lots of add ons- cremation container, container for ashes, fees for the medical examiner and those death certificates.
8. If your PALs was a vet, some things are reimbursible. Keep your receipts and check with your VA rep or PVA rep. You will have lots of forms to fill out regarding these.

Because I could not return home right away ( sadly, our house was totally torn up- being remodeled for handicap accessibility) we had to postpone a service. In retrospect, think it was the best way for MY family. It is giving us time to shed our tears, make a video of his life, not be as rushed in finalizing the obituary, choose a time that works for family needing to travel, coordinating with our church, etc. and hopefully since we are not totally in the"shock" stage of grief, this can truly be a celebration of his life. Think that is one of the advantages to cremation, that the immediacy of a funeral isn't there. ( THIS IS NOT a recommendation for others- it is just working with our circumstances!)

Sure our past CALS will add to this with ideas if you choose something other than cremation.
Donna
 
Thanks Donna, so glad you keep giving wonderful advise and information.I have learned
a lot from you.

Andrea
 
I especially like the idea of taking your time to hold a service.
 
donna i will add to this. when i go i hope i get the same loving thoughts as you have given. you couldn't ask for more. you have hugs here
 
Davbo, thank you for your kind comment! Sure Jane will do the same. But darn it, just when I think the tears are gone, someone like you makes me cry!
 
Just a comment -- we paid half of what Donna did for cremation, which included a basic container (which we took on a plane both ways; one airline wanded it and another one didn't) and a death certificate copy (in our neck of the woods they are $20 and there is only one type, but no prob to get more later), by using a non-profit co-op.

Here is one site where the co-op we used is listed, so it should be helpful to find low-cost places in other states as well.

DFS Memorials LLC. - Low Cost Funerals & Cremations

I just want to emphasize, because the need is so great, that cremation OR regular burial can happen after any organ and/or tissue donation for research and/or people who need it. You can have an open casket if you want. Morticians are very skilled.

Also, there is a deadline for filing the PALS' original Will after death. You will need a death certificate to do that.

Peace and strength for the season to all.
 
Next step when the journey is done: Getting YOUR affairs in order. PLAN on hours and hours on the telephone, and filling out paperwork!

1. Call all utilities and have your PALS name removed ( unless it doesn't bother you to have mail come with your PALS name on it!)
2. Call your County Clerk of the Court to have PALS taken off the deed. This will require of small fee (ours was $19) and an original death certificate.
3. Call your county appraisers office to remove PAlLS from property taxes.
4. Contact bank or credit union. You will need a death certificate. They recommended to leave your PALS on the account for 6-10 months in case any checks came in with their name. Also, apply for a new Visa card if you have one jointly, destroy the old ones.
5. Contact Inheritors Services at any investment agencies you use. Even if you are listed on the account, you will need to fill out papers to set up a new account in your name.
6. Social Security- go to your local office with a death certificate and a marriage certificate. It is my understanding there is a one time death benefit of $255. Be sure to ask about it.
7. Notify all doctors, dentist, eye doctors, etc. to close your PALS files.
8. Credit card companies- will send you a new application to fill out in your name. Then you can close your joint cards.
9. Call all pension plans. You may be entitled to survivors benefits or life insurance policies through the plan. If you are currently receiving payments for the PALS, they may be reclaimed so----don't spend the money until you know.
10. Home, car, umbrella insurance all needs to be changed to your name.
11. If you have a safety deposit box, you may want to check for any important documents your PALS may have stored there.
12. Cell phone service- canceling your PALS phone will mean you lose things stored there. So be sure to pull off any photos, etc. before you close.
13. If your PALS received VA benefits, you will need to contact them. Your state's regional service center is the starting point. The next monthly stipend will be rescinded following the death, but will be reissued in your name. Then the PALS ALS monthly payment ceases. You can apply for Dependency and Indemnity Compensation as a surviving spouse (and for children under 18) through your PVA rep, and also burial reimbursement with a copy marked paid from the funeral home. You will also need your marriage certificate and a copy of your PALS discharge papers, as well as the long form of the death certificate.
Do not assume the Various VA departments communicate! Even though my hubby died in a VA hospital, I got calls from them to schedule appointments, etc. after his death, and it was up to me to notify the regional office.
14. If your state grants property tax exemptions to 100% service related disability vets (Michigan and several other states do) you can still receive this. You must submit a copy of the VA grant for survivors benefits to your local tax assessor to be granted during their Board of Reviews. Ours meet in March and June.
15. THIS IS REALLY number 1! Check on your insurances- health, vision, dental immediately! If they were through your spouse, you may find you are WITHOUT insurance beginning the month after the death! Cobra can be obtained (at a very high rate) or you may be eligible for something else because of what they term a "qualifying event". Don't neglect this one!
16. Cleaning out your PALS things! For me, I found it gratifying to donate to places that I KNEW would please him. For example, all his cases of Boost, clothing, hearing aides, eye glasses went to a place that helps homeless vets here in Florida. At home in Michigan, we were able to send his Boost to a senior citizen apartment complex where my mother lives- and it was snatched up immediately. Food banks, hospices, etc. may also take these things. His pwc is going to a dear friend who has MS- but can also be donated to the ALS organization. This is our chance as CALS to make their death help others! (My personal philosophy!)
17. If you have a converted van, your mobility company may buy it back outright, as ours will. Contact them if you want an easy way to sell it.
18. THIS is not a necessity but- I found it healing to write thank yous to the close friends, neighbors and family who stuck by him/us and went that extra mile to make him feel loved and"normal". As someone termed it, "they are the angels who walk the earth!"

Hope this will save you time trying to figure out the steps to take as you muddle through life without the person you love. For me, it has been frustrating, time consuming but cathartic as i review his life through all the aspects of closing things we jointly lived. FAIR WARNING! Take good notes! This is a time of intense grieving, and memory gets befuddled! I found I couldn't always understand my notes during those first few weeks. The VA benefits person and the funeral director both told me not to rush, to take my time- even wait 6 months to do some of these things. BUT waiting on things like your health, dental, vision insurance could mean you are without. And frankly, keeping busy has been my salvation.
Sorry this is so long but- closure on a loved one's life IS a long process. Unfortunately, it doesn't make the hole in the heart close. Donna
 
Oh, add to the list- Stop all magazine subscriptions, newspapers that your PALS had that you aren't interested in. The publishers will credit the unused portion back to your account.
 
Thank you Cheerleader,
Love Gem
 
I'm so sorry for your loss, Donna, and how generous of you to be so helpful to the community in a time of loss and grief.

We will all be there some day, and I know I am and will be grateful for your helpful advice once I have to confront these same issues.

Thank you, and I wish you peace and comfort as you remember and honor your husband.
 
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