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Pandora

Distinguished member
Joined
Apr 30, 2011
Messages
130
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2011
Country
US
State
Texas
City
Crowley
I fight my demons like everyone else here. Should have, could have, would have, guilt, all the stuff the comes up at night when I am alone. But for the first time I had to tell people who don't know me (or walk the same path as we do here) that my Husband died. That scary question "Are you married?" I replied "I was. He passed away late last year and it has been a struggle. I am doing OK and moving on with what life has to give." It was strange and I felt like someone else was saying it. I was nice and answered all the questions you get, how, why, and when. But as I walked away, a few of the people were still chatting among the group and I over heard one of them say "Pitty, how some people will say anything for attention." Now this just rubbed me the wrong way. Attention really? Yes please, I made this whole thing up and practice and being an emotional mess, fight back tears almost every moment of my day, just to impress some people at my mothers church event.

I didn't retort to their comments, I didn't have the strength. Is it so far fetched that a woman in her 30's could be a widow? Is it so hard to think that I am getting back out into the public after 9 months? I just don't understand. Am I doomed to be locked up for the rest of my life in morning? If I go out should I have to face the ridicule? Should it even be a thought that someone would make it all up? I just don't get it.

I know people are insensitive, and some down right rude. I just never thought that I would encounter people like that at a church after a simple question. It really struck me as maybe there was something wrong with me. I made an effort to get out of the house and into a community project thinking I would feel better about myself but ended up just feeling bad, maybe more alienated, and somewhat forced back into the shadows.

I am not dating, I was just doing something for others. I was trying to feel better and do things I used to do. I have always felt people in need should get a hand up not a hand out.
And I get a back hand so to speak for doing just that. It was just a bad day. Maybe I should have not said anything. Maybe then next time people ask if I am married, I should just say No, a half truth.

Anyone else encounter judgments? Anything to share would nice. Even if it was about dating after and peoples reaction .. anything. I just wanted to see if this is the norm.
 
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I'm sorry Pandora. People are insensitive and they are ridiculous and it doesn't matter if your at work or at the store or at church.. your not doing anything wrong. They are just being people and they really do not understand. My husband is still somewhat mobile and I'm already getting crape about how I take care of him. (Why doesn't she do this...why cant she do that...ill come live with you and take care of him right) they just do not KNOW. My only saving grace is my husband says I take very good care of him.. ignore the sad sad people and do what makes you feel right.
 
My pastor always says that the devil comes to church too and I have to say he is right. Some people don't come to church for the right reasons and some just have problems. That is just the way it is. I have been a subject of vicious gossip couple times. Be with people who bring you peace and stay away from trouble makers. That is all I can say.
 
I guess they would have preferred you to be a good christian and lied to them. It's kind of like when you appear healthy and people say "how are you?"... they really don't want to know. I'm sorry that happened, they were in the wrong, not you!
 
I'm so sorry that this happened to you! Just chalk it up to insensitivity and downright stupid people. Continue to get out and about and do things that will help you. Just ignore the "clods", you'll find them everywhere.
 
Pandora,
It wasn't you at all. It was them, some people can't find a pleasant thing to say about any one! Keep getting out among people...when you are ready. You are an amazing woman with gifts and skills, you are strong because of your experiences even if it doesn't feel that way! Hugs and peace to you!

Jen
 
I agree with Deb, you cannot help it becuase some people are ignorant. I'm proud of you.
 
Thanks guys. I always feel better after getting the stuff out and i know you guys understand. I will keep on going out and getting what a "normal" life should be. I went through things they can in no way understand and as long as I can look and say I am making a an effort then "BLEEP" what they think. :) I can just hear my husband say " Hunny, F them. Put your big girl panties on and do what ya gotta do, by the way, can I see your big girl panties? God I miss him.
 
People in general, in this day and time, have no empathy or sympathy. They are selfish and don't care to see the world from your perspective. They ask a question, but don't really want the answer...too much information. Let me guess, these were the pillars and foundation of the church! (Sorry, I have a sore spot...)

You are vulnerable right now. You want to tell your story, as it is VALID! If someone asks personal questions and you provide personal answers from your heart, they should give you a hug, not GOSSIP behind your back!

Get used to being ostracized as a widow. Unfortunately, it happens all over the world, to some degree or the other. Thankfully, we can say "Get over it you a...hole!"

It would be a cold day in hell before I enlisted myself to help that "congregation" with it's mission again.

You did the right thing! I applaud you for your effort to get out and help other people. Hang in there and know that absolutely NOTHING is wrong with YOU!
 
Hmm I probably would have slapped her silly about right now, yea we just love to brag on our spouses passing, how cruel
 
I'm so sorry, but whoever said get ready for these people everywhere is so right. It's unfortunate this happened at church, where of all places you should have received comfort and sympathy for sharing. But these types of people are everywhere (and usually the ones who will do anything for attention) so don't let it stop you from getting out when you feel like it.
I haven't personally overheard anyone saying anything that direct about me but I have no doubt people gossip and think I play the 'pity card' too much. They just don't understand and I've quit letting it bother me (well, ok I try to)
I've also had people say "Let him come stay with us , I'll take care of him " ... Hmm... makes me wonder how they plan on doing that with jobs and kids. Nobody can possibly understand what it is like going through this - or after the fight, unless they've done it themselves.
And lol at 'Can i See them" sounds like my husband, haha.
 
"Acid corrodes the vessel that contains it."

If you can, feel sorry for her. That comment says a whole lot more about her than it ever will about you.
 
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