TOUGHTIMES
New member
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2008
- Messages
- 5
- Reason
- CALS
- Country
- US
- State
- NC
- City
- Raleigh
We moved in with my Mom over a year ago to care for her. She has gone from living upstairs and on a walker when we moved in to being in a wheelchair fulltime downstairs. Our relationship over this past year has deteriorated almost as fast as her body has. I have tried to let her be in control as much as possible on decision making and cater to her. In a way, this has backfired on me and she has slowly cut me out of most important things. I have 2 young children (8 and 5) to care for as well, so she hired some private aides part time to assist a few hours a day which has increased over the year. I pull mainly the late afternoon ,evening and night shift and most of Sunday. She continues to take care of her finances through the help of others (she cannot write checks so uses online services or has others write the check and sign it in her name) and go to doctor's visits with her caregivers. She complains I don't ask enough questions. (I don't think she likes me sharing with them when she doesn't do something at home like ROM exercises) She will deliberately reschedule appointments if I offer to take her. We really do not do anything "fun" together anymore except for an occassional rent a movie around the house. She does not want to go to the kids' activities to watch (soccer game, etc) or go to any activities at their schools (they are 8 and 5 and both are handicap accessible and they have asked her to go). She is quick to blame things on me when they are not done or do not go right and has even accused me of beating her, yelling at her, and being abusive (she tells my brother this and not sure who else). All of it is completely false and couldn't be farther from the truth. I have become the glorified servant who is incapable of any decision making duties but can take her to the bathroom, feed her as needed (she can no longer feed herself), get her out of bed and into bed, etc. She beeps I come running. She can no longer stand and is fulltime in a wheelchair. She has loss all use of her left arm and her right arm is very weak. She can no longer use utensils to feed herself but still attempts finger foods by herself. She needs assistance most of the time with lifting a drink. We use a hoyer lift to transfer her between wheelchair, bed, and shower/toilet chair. On top of it all, her speech is becoming very slurred. She got a Dynavox speech machine last summer, but as refused to play with it to learn how to use it. Recently I asked her what will happen when no one can understand her, and she basically said oh well. As it is, I often have to translate for her and even then I am asking her to repeat several times which she gets angry and exhausted with. The same thing happened with the hoyer lift. It sat in the corner for about 2 months until one evening she could no longer stand up to transfer to the toilet. So there I was at 1130 at night with no nursing experience and no training, reading the book on the hoyer lift to try and figure out how to use it. They had showed her at ALS clinic but she again took a health aide with her instead of me. My brother and I juggled our schedules to try and go to the March ALS clinic that she had scheduled and she ended up rescheduling it to June (first availability) because she did not want us to take her.
My question is this. She has several times asked me to move out including last Sunday. Then within the same week she tells me she cannot afford 24 hour care. I could not tell you if this is true because she does not share her financial info with me, but feel that it is partly untrue as I know she has a lot of equity in her home that she could tap. Tonight I gave her an ultimatum because I am sick of it. I told her that our relationsip has deteriorated and the only reason she wants me around is because she cannot afford 24 hour care and she does not show that she wants her grandchildren around. I told her I would only stay if she would go see a counselor with me. (One was referred about 6 months ago, but she refused to call them back). When a nursing agency came to the house to show us how to use the hoyer she refused to sign the paperwork, so they left. She refuses to give up Power of Attorney and wants total control still of the situation. She flat out refuses to see someone and told me if I want to move out then move out. (She has said this before.) I am seeing a psychologist personally because of this constant turmoil. I want to do what is right by my mom, but within reason. I told her when I moved in that I needed to care for my children and that during the day I would not be available consistently. She has manipulated me into helping most days because I feel guilty. I no longer have a life and alot of times my kids ending up fending for themselves which I feel is unfair. The level of care she requires at this point is beyond me when I am also caring for my 2 kids. I tell her this and it seems to fall on deaf ears. We keep visiting the same issues and it takes forever to get resolved.
Ok so where is the question, right? Do I just make plans to move out and go forward with it and give her a date? Do I continue to try and work with her because in her words "I won't live long" but it is draining me physically, emotionally and I'm just plain TIRED. Nothing is left for my kids and their dad/my husband is currently overseas. Luckily my brother came over today and played with them, otherwise it would have been another TV watching day. I am sorry this is so long, just trying to give a little of the history behind the moving out issue. We have looked at facilities but she is beyond an assisted living facility and would need a nursing home. Most of the nursing homes in the area say she would be very young for their population. All along, she has asked to stay in the house which I have tried to help her do. But at what cost? When do I say enough is enough? And if I do decide to move out, how to I get by the guilty feelings?
Thanks for any advice!
Stephanie
My question is this. She has several times asked me to move out including last Sunday. Then within the same week she tells me she cannot afford 24 hour care. I could not tell you if this is true because she does not share her financial info with me, but feel that it is partly untrue as I know she has a lot of equity in her home that she could tap. Tonight I gave her an ultimatum because I am sick of it. I told her that our relationsip has deteriorated and the only reason she wants me around is because she cannot afford 24 hour care and she does not show that she wants her grandchildren around. I told her I would only stay if she would go see a counselor with me. (One was referred about 6 months ago, but she refused to call them back). When a nursing agency came to the house to show us how to use the hoyer she refused to sign the paperwork, so they left. She refuses to give up Power of Attorney and wants total control still of the situation. She flat out refuses to see someone and told me if I want to move out then move out. (She has said this before.) I am seeing a psychologist personally because of this constant turmoil. I want to do what is right by my mom, but within reason. I told her when I moved in that I needed to care for my children and that during the day I would not be available consistently. She has manipulated me into helping most days because I feel guilty. I no longer have a life and alot of times my kids ending up fending for themselves which I feel is unfair. The level of care she requires at this point is beyond me when I am also caring for my 2 kids. I tell her this and it seems to fall on deaf ears. We keep visiting the same issues and it takes forever to get resolved.
Ok so where is the question, right? Do I just make plans to move out and go forward with it and give her a date? Do I continue to try and work with her because in her words "I won't live long" but it is draining me physically, emotionally and I'm just plain TIRED. Nothing is left for my kids and their dad/my husband is currently overseas. Luckily my brother came over today and played with them, otherwise it would have been another TV watching day. I am sorry this is so long, just trying to give a little of the history behind the moving out issue. We have looked at facilities but she is beyond an assisted living facility and would need a nursing home. Most of the nursing homes in the area say she would be very young for their population. All along, she has asked to stay in the house which I have tried to help her do. But at what cost? When do I say enough is enough? And if I do decide to move out, how to I get by the guilty feelings?
Thanks for any advice!
Stephanie