Advise from PALS - How would you Feel?

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Mar 3, 2007
Loved one DX
Grand Ledge
Hello everyone,
Needing some opinions. Mom passed last Sunday. She and Dad had all legal issues taken care of ahead of cremation, wills, etc. Mom specifically stated to all of us she did not want a funeral, memorial service....nothing. She wanted Dad, my sister and myself to scatter her ashes in a specific spot and call it good. She was insistant and became agitated near the end as she was trying to make sure her wishes were carried out. We all promised her we'd follow thru. Well, Dad has changed his mind and is organizing a big production with tons of friends and relatives at the end of the month. How would you all feel if you knew your wishes weren't going to be carried out? My sister and I have tried to talk to Dad....and we understand that she was his wife of 56 yrs and it is not the "norm" to not have any type of service but it is not what MOM wanted. My sister and I are considering not going. We both said our good byes and feel we have our own closure with MOM and her passing. Just looking for a few opinions. Just curious. Thanks again for everything.

I'm a CALS and IMHO, usually a funeral or memorial service is intended for those still living to show their love and respect and celebrate the life of the deceased.

Perhaps your father finds this is the only way to let go of the one he spent so many years with.

Can't you honor her wishes by spreading the ashes privately and then have a separate "celebration of life?"

As far as not going, haven't you and your Dad hurt enough all ready? Why risk losing another piece of the family by not attending? (no offense)

We have no way of knowing what the afterlife holds, but don't you think your MOM would want you ALL to be happy and compromise for the sake of your DAD?
I agree. Older folks stick to old ideas. Good or bad, the way your dad wants to do it is probably best for him. No disrespect meant but your mom probably isn't going to mind now. Family is important, don't pull away from your father now.
My mom's family traditionally never had funeral or memorial services, so my grandmother, grandfather, and aunt all asked that there be no services. Their families followed their wishes. This meant that my mother had no time when she could get together with the still living members of her family to remember, hear the stories and memories of others that perhaps you would never hear otherwise, and to say goodbye. We never went in person to give comfort to my uncle and cousins when my aunt died 3 years ago. I know this bothered my mother, who would have wanted a memorial service for her sister. We had a simple dinner gathering where just my family spoke of our memories.
I understand your mother's feelings. Perhaps this is her family tradition. But I agree that the memorial is really for the people who are living that loved and respected the person who is gone. Your father is hurting, and wants to have others around him who can be with him to remember and say goodbye. A memorial can be a powerful thing. You hear from people you have known all your life and maybe some you didn't even know, all who were touched by your mother in her life. If your dad needs this, I would say help him. Make the service something that will bring you closer together, and forgive each other any slights or disagreements. Your mother is beyond all the petty issues of humanity now. She will understand and love you still no matter what. Holly
Hi there,

It's very tough...but your dad had no control over your mom's diagnosis or progression of this disease. I would support your dad over something which he does have control, that is the manner in which HE chooses to honour and say good-bye to his wife.

Your family has been through enough strife. Let your dad have his way on this.
I am on board with this one, too. Memorials are for those left behind. Your friends, co-workeers, and the rest of the family want to extend their condolences, which is a gift you should not reject. You all respected mom's wishes, now it is time to respect Dad's. It is hard and emotionally charged, but you will not regret it. Cindy
Thank you

Thanks to all for the thoughts and feelings you shared regarding Mom's memorial and Dad's choice. It's always great to have another perspective. I want to respect both my parents wishes and it's just difficult when we are still so raw over losing Mom. Whatever we all choose to do, we will still love and respect each other and this moment too shall pass. We are a tight family and that always prevails even thru the disagreements. Dad understands my point and I his. We have been fortunate to all get along well and we'll continue to. Thanks again for your insight. I will most likely go for Dad and hope Mom doesn't haunt me for disobeying her wishes...hahahah. That would be just like her to do that. Thanks again....I'll let you know.

good luck Laura! We'll be thinking about y'all. I hope all goes very smoothly and y'all gain closure. Good to hear you have such a close knit family!
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