A week ago

[vltsra]

One week ago I lost my PALS. It's still so hard to believe he is gone. I keep expecting to walk in the bedroom and see him with that little smile despite the bipap mask.

I spent the week preparing for the funeral, which is in another week. My family wanted to come and asked for time to get here. I also spent a lot of time second guessing things.. what if I had or hadn't done something. Then the caregiver came over yesterday to pick up some things, and she was saying the same thing, and told me she was very upset. So I sat down with her and talked her through it and explained to her that he wasn't doing well at all for the past few days, with recurrent UTIs and was very anxious and asking for morphine a lot. I told her that he was thinking of stopping the bipap and that now he doesn't have to make that decision. After I spoke with her we both felt better.

I went to church for the first time in 3 years yesterday and started to tear up a little. I hope I won't be too emotional at the services but will make sure I bring lots of tissues.

V

 

[affected]

Thinking of you V - I'm glad you could talk with the carer as sometimes they don't realise how far things have progressed.

 

[lgelb]

We all second-guess ourselves, V. I'm glad, too, that you got to chat with the caregiver.

The funeral is to look back, but not, of course, to go back. Still, it can take a while to get on your own best path. It sounds like you are well on your way.

Bring lots of kleenex for sure-- you may be sharing them.

 

[rmt]

I spent the entire first week wondering if things could have been different if I'd done something different. I still think about it at least once a day. It is so hard.

I sobbed through my husband's service. I also laughed at the funny stories people shared. The service was so hard but so wonderful. You will get through it too. And the relief when it is over is incredible.

Sending good thoughts to you. This is hard, but you are tough. The last 7 years prove that!

 

[MariaScan]

I am so sorry for your loss but glad that you have family around you. You have right to be emotional in the funeral. There will be people who want to support you. It’s time for them to carry you as you have carried your husband.

 

[Mary2]

V thinking and praying for you and your family.

 

[affected]

We all still got you V xx

 

[Jrzygrl]

Yes, we all still got ya, V.

I think we all look back questioning things we did or didn't do. Things we said or didn't. I know I do. I too got together with Jim's aide. She was here the day he died and didn't see it coming. We talked a long time. I think it was good for both of us. She was an angel with him. She was the only one he trusted with his care other than me.

As for the funeral, Jim's was a bit delayed to allow for family to travel too. It was hard, but we were surrounded by so much love that day. Laughs and tears both abounded. Just go with whatever you feel. We're forced not to really feel for so long while caring, it's good to finally let it all go.

I will be holding you in my heart.

 

[Narrowminded]

V I am so very sorry for your loss. It is very tough, and it will definitely take awhile to feel partly normal again. I too am glad you could talk with his caregiver. It helps.

Brian's funeral was also delayed for travelers as well. Not necessarily a good or bad thing.

Just know we are all here for you. We've been there. It will work out.

Major hugs.

 

[vltsra]

The viewing was on Sunday and the mass and burial on Monday. So many people came to the viewing. My family flew out in force and there were 9 total, plus his family and many friends. We had a rosary said and a taquero afterward. He would have loved it.

The mass was said by the priest who has been coming to see my PALS. His homily was lovely and the readings and music just perfect. My cousin's husband, who was such a beloved friend, gave the eulogy.

The burial service went well and the gravesite is just what he would have wanted.

My sister stayed with me until this morning. It's been a long time since we've spent time together this way. Now I'm here in the house alone and it will be another adjustment. It's still hard to believe that I won't see that little smile on his face in the morning.

V

 

[affected]

Have you got people who will still support you in the coming weeks V?
It's a really weird time as you are still on hyper-vigilance mode. For many people, to a degree the memorial really is a big way of saying goodbye, and they return to their lives which haven't changed much in a true day-to-day way.
For you, now that the service is over, you don't have anything big or urgent to keep on track. It can cause a real hitting of many feelings. Not saying it will - some people just sleep for weeks! I became quite manic. At least being on a property, I threw myself into the garden, literally.
We are still here as you need of course

 

[Mary2]

So calming that the mass went well. Will you do some painting during this time? I would probably walk by my favorite pond and
sleep.

 

[vltsra]

Thanks Tillie and Mary. I have been sleeping a lot lately. I'm observing a 40-day mourning period, which is a time for me to reflect and remember our life together.

I went down to the cemetery today. Of course it's sad to see the site disturbed and not vegetated as it is so new. Next time I will bring flowers. I need to get a marker installed. And I sat and told him all about the service and what's going on. It was sad but felt good

V

 

[Jrzygrl]

I'm glad his service went well. I hope those people continue to support you. I count myself blessed to have the support of so many friends and neighbors, as none of my family live close.

So many unsettled things in this time. I was not able to have Jim's ashes buried the day of his Mass and service because the church didn't think they had a plot. The morning of his funeral the parish secretary told me she found one. (Its a very small, old cemetary.) Unfortunately, because of our kids schedules, we couldn't have him buried for another 2 months, so I brought his ashes home with me. Once we were able to bury the ashes, it was months before the headstone was put in place.

I am glad you are getting some sleep. I was so tired, but couldn't sleep for the longest time. I hope you find comfort in the memories of your life together. I will be holding you close in my thoughts.

 

[texastc]

So sorry for your loss V. Get some well deserved rest, you've earned it.

tc